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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP's stunning colleague

37 replies

PersonalSpace · 17/05/2016 21:15

AIBU to be bothered by this?

DP works with a stunning young woman every day, they are basically partners at work. I don't want to give too much away but she had a bit of a public profile for being a stunning sex symbol. She has a bombshell figure and a huge fan following.

I trust DP completely so can't quite put my finger on the problem or why I feel the way I do. I hate seeing photos of them together and although I would normally have decent self esteem feel like he can't help but find me lacking in appearance after spending all day with this girl. I'm just normal, I can look good when I make an effort but nothing like her and they are together all the time and get on like a house on fire. I have never met her. There are always comments from him typical to this: X had been offered thousands of pounds to do this/ I was having a coffee with X today and this person was checking her out...

As I say, I don't have suspicions that DP would do anything, it's more that it just affects my self esteem as how can he spend all day most days with this person and then come home to me. Even when you know your partner loves you you want to feel like you're very attractive to them and basically I just feel I can't compete. How can I get over this issue?

PS I don't think DP knows I feel like this, I tend to just brush it off and change the subject when she comes up.

OP posts:
Iwasbornin1993 · 18/05/2016 01:48

YoureSoSly and Disco I was thinking that too!!

TheNaze73 · 18/05/2016 07:48

Are people genuinely saying her DH is a prat, for having an attractive work colleague?? FFS.

CoolforKittyCats · 18/05/2016 07:54

I fail to understand how the OP's DP is a 'dick' or a 'prat' simply because he has a good relationship with a work colleague and talks openly to his partner about it hmm That's a horrible thing to say.

^ this.

Mezzy34 · 18/05/2016 08:18

I can be jealous, insecure and silly over women's looks...its natural to feel a little competitive aswell, we are all human, for me it's mostly my weight and I get so envious of the slim figures at times, men can be so foolish about beautiful women and not actually see what's underneath, tell him to stop being star struck and take you out on a date. Spend some quality time together, forget her, she's not the issue, you both just need to reassure each other and concentrate on your life together. Totally get you on the green eyed monster thing though!

Thefitfatty · 18/05/2016 08:29

I don't see how the DP is being a prat for talking about his work colleague? If he is, then I'm a prat too because I always talk about my colleagues to my DP! In much the same way that the OP's does, as in "XX got an award today from..." "XXX just got $$$ from XXX."

OP I think you need to realize there's more to life, and particularly attraction, then looks. Just because she's beautiful doesn't mean she's perfect. And frankly, if your DP is only with you for your looks, then that's not a very solid foundation for a relationship!

shovetheholly · 18/05/2016 08:40

Sorry, this turned into a bit of a mammoth post.

I think you need to distinguish between two behaviours (both a little bit pathetic): pride in competitive male attention and bragging rights ('She was with me at lunch and this guy was checking her out') and actual sexual interest ('She's gorgeous, I want to sleep with her/be with her'). They are not the same thing at all!!

In particular: the former has very little whatsoever to do with the personal. It's social, and it's all about competition between men. It's the male version of the woman who is just compelled to flirt all the time, not because she's interested in the men she's flirting with, but as an act of oneupmanship with other women. My guess is that his slight bragging about this to you is a sign of how secure your relationship really is: he wants your admiration of how glamorous and attractive he is!! Which means you still have that spark! Smile

It's easy to assume that other people, particularly people in the media spotlight, are superhumanly attractive not just physically but mentally too. But that's not always true. Personal story alert: I dated an actor for a while, not a major star but someone C-list who is in TV and big enough to be on billboards occasionally - and the glamour wore off very quickly, revealing that he was, in reality, a really normal and rather boring person. It was fascinating, though, to watch the spell that celebrity casts on other people from the inside of knowing the person who leaves pants on the floor and can't wash up a coffee cup. It is like living in two places at once: the normal world (which of course is the one we all inhabit, however famous) and this parallel 'verse where every gesture of a celebrity is kind of endowed with strange, magical powers because people really believe there is a world-through-the-mirror that works very differently. There is almost a saint-like veneration: I can remember watching a very pretty and slightly drunk girl try to steal his dirty napkin (ew).

When DH and I first got together, this guy was my previous ex, and DH was completely thrown by this. We were in Tesco, and a DVD of a terrible film the guy had made was being advertised, and he looked at me suddenly and said 'I can't give you this - I don't know why you want to be with me'. It was really heartbreaking, because all I wanted at that point was DH. I just knew he was the right one, but I couldn't convince him of that.

So my point with this digression is that I think you are really, really underrating what you have to offer. When you are up close with celebrity, you find they are just normal people, often slightly screwed up by having to negotiate levels of intrusion and attention that are quite hard to handle. The spell is broken and what becomes interesting is watching other people who are still under its grip. My guess is that your DH's comments about other men are very much coming form that place. I don't think, though, that it would hurt to talk to your DH about your feelings about yourself (not really about her, but about you not feeling adequate). I imagine he will rush to reassure you.

Shakirawannabe · 18/05/2016 08:40

Am I the only person dying to know who she is??Smile

summerblues · 18/05/2016 08:50

Was also thinking Philip Scofield!!

mrschatty · 18/05/2016 10:37

No way Phillip schofield... Holly is v happy married no threat there!

monkeypuzzlesandwich · 18/05/2016 10:39

I would be keeping a close eye on this situation.

RivieraKid · 18/05/2016 10:53

Awesome post by shovetheholly Male bragging aside though, you say you 'brush it off and change the subject when she comes up.' So I guess I'd ask - how often is she really coming up?

PersonalSpace · 18/05/2016 11:35

Thank you all for your posts you have been very rational which is what I needed and I feel a lot better about things so thank you!

If I told you who she was half of you wouldn't know her at all- it's not Holly and I'm not married to Phillip Schofield! I can't out anyone but she's a former model/ relatively well known personality but nothing excessive. She's about 10 years younger than I am. She's now no longer in the wider public sphere and that's where she and DH work together on PR events but her profile is sometimes used to boost publicity.

Anyway I know the issue is my self esteem but it's nice to know my reaction is relatively normal and I'm not a raving loon!

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