To think that after 30-odd years she should understand me?

[vvviola]

It is possible I'm being a bit over-sensitive.

I'm quite reserved and hate having attention drawn to me. DM is the complete opposite. She's outgoing, loves a fuss, will talk to anyone about anything. She doesn't understand me.

It is my birthday today. We went out for dinner this evening - me, DH, DC and my parents. And again, despite me asking her not to, DM disappeared before dessert to arrange for the whole candle-on-dessert, staff-singing-happy-birthday thing.

She knows I hate it. I'm not 7 anymore (although I'm pretty sure I hated it when I was 7 too). AIBU to think that at this stage of my life she should just accept my personality and not inflict things on me because she would like it or she thinks it would be fun.

(I didn't make a fuss, incidentally. I kind of half-smiled, said "I wish you hadn't done that", thanked the staff and ate my dessert)

And if I try to bring it up it will all be about how I'm no fun/a stick in the mud. But I just don't like that sort of thing. I'm dreading my 40th.

And kitty- that's a rather pathetic thing to say.

Get over it at least your mum is still here

There is always one person on a thread like this who comes out with this sort of irrelevant, guilt tripping platitude. You've handled it well op, so well done for that.

I also hate a fuss being made about me, so understand completely how annoying and upsetting it is.

I would hate it too OP, but I think you need to take a firmer stance.

Sorry pressed post too soon.

I would make sure that I headed off any of this sort of thing before it happened - talk to the restaurant, tell my mum that if it ever happened again I would never spend another birthday meal with her or whatever it takes. The stress of waiting for your your mum's big moment would be too much.

Can't you just accept and love your mother for how she is? You moan that she doesn't understand you, but you are equally unable to appreciate her for what she is and want to change her. You are different, neither is right or wrong, enjoy your time with her and accept she likes attention. You have all the times you are not with her to shirk the limelight.

Your post made me smile! You sound lovely.

I think the issue absolutely isn't a practical one - 'how to handle this when it happens' - but an emotional one: 'why doesn't she damn well listen and understand me enough not to do this in the first place?!'

I don't have answers to that latter question. All I can say is that I think some people have more sensitivity and capacity for empathy than others. Some people go around the world with an attitude of 'I like this, so everyone else must like it too', others are the absolute opposite, and will tend to assume difference. Some people just assume an immediate similarity with the rest of the world and therefore a right to impose their way, others assume that the world is made up of intricate differences that mean that what is shared needs to be constantly and cautiously negotiated. Your mother is in the first camp, you, I am guessing, are in the second!!

I am not sure there is much you can do about the divide with someone so utterly confident in imposing Their Way. To get the message across is like convincing someone medieval who believes in a flat earth that it is round: you are likely to be met with stunned puzzlement!! I think this can be particularly hard with mothers, because the bulldozing is kind of connected into a parental attitude that doesn't quite accept you as a full-grown adult with your own views and ideas. I know how very annoying this can be - more annoying than can be overcome by simple platitudes like 'She means well'. It can feel like a kind of erasure, like someone just isn't making the 'space' for you to exist. That's why it's so important to keep such relationships as a small part of a rich and diverse adult social life that includes lots of other people who do 'see' you for who you really are.

Thanks for all the comments - even the "suck it up/get over it" ones. Thinking back, I've realised this is the first time in years we've done the restaurant thing for my birthday - probably since DD1 was born 9 years ago. Between kids being to young, me living abroad, deciding to have meals at home instead, we haven't gone out for a birthday dinner in a long long time.

The thing is whatthese I do accept my mother for what she is. I'm quite used to her asking waitresses for their life history, dancing with my DC in the middle of the town square for no apparent reason, and generally drawing attention to herself. And would always make the appropriate fuss of her birthday. But that's about her drawing attention to herself, not her drawing attention to me. It was my birthday and I don't like a fuss, and I don't like attention to be drawn to me in a public place (no problem with cake and candles at home)

Anyway. I have a year to find a way to prevent it happening again...

I actually think Kitty has a point. If your mum's singing you happy birthday and "not understanding you" is the worst thing about her, then count yourself lucky. Unless you think she's deliberately doing it to be horrible, I think that a forgiving attitude is best. She's expressing her love for you, however misguidedly, and I think you should focus on that.

I think that it's fine to talk to your mum before your next birthday and explain that while you understand she means well, you'd rather not have the cake and song in public. Maybe suggest doing it at home instead, so SHE doesn't feel snubbed. I agree with a PP that your birthday is not all about you, it's also important for your mum.

FWIW, I'm surprised you think you have a right to be understood by your parents and are angry that you're not. I also have a super-insensitive mum who doesn't "get" me at all. It's never occurred to me to be angry at her for not "getting" me - what's that going to achieve anyway ("grr - if only you had more emotional intelligence")? It's annoying at times, but I've just accepted it, and I still love her a lot and have a close relationship with her.

I'd also say that by the by, it's not a bad thing for a very self-conscious person to occasionally be pushed out of their comfort zone and find that the world doesn't end.

I read back over my original post to see where you might have got the idea I was angry nobility. I'm really not.

I'm exasperated. Perhaps a bit irritated.

It's not, by far, the worst thing she does (I mean we could get into a list of the buying me clothes in odd shades of orange, getting my DC hyped up on sugar and her frankly dreadful timekeeping ).

I was exasperated that she doesn't seem to understand, 30 years later that I don't like a fuss being made in public and that I'm a very private person. I didn't make a drama, I didn't burst into tears when I got home, I still love and appreciate her.

I just wanted to vent about being made feel uncomfortable on a night out. I didn't need to get told I was lucky to have her. I know I'm lucky to have her. Almost a year to the day after discovering her collapsed on the floor in her kitchen with ehat turned out to be a huge stroke, and having to call ambulances and relatives to let them know, I'm painfully aware of how lucky I am.

I think it's a bit unfair to expect the op to embrace her mother's extrovert nature, but not for the mother to respect her daughter's more reserved personality.

Also at my age and the op's age it's not for our parents to push us out of our comfort zone. What a cheek! Maybe you do that with a child, but not an adult and I would be fuming if my mum thought I needed to be treated like a child.

Also the op doesn't sound very self conscious. She sounds comfortable in her own skin and fully aware of what she does or doesn't like.

I'm a fairly secure person, but I loath all that happy birthday, sparklers in cakes stuff. Thankfully no one in our family imposes their own ideas on to me.

Your DC are 9 and a bit younger? At that kind of age this is the sort of thing mine absolutely loved - 'surprise' and singing happy birthday to Mum. Even now, they get very excited about surprises and general nonesense on other people's birthdays. WIBU to say it's not all about you? I do get what you are saying about your DM though.

YANBU - my DM (who is also generally wonderful) is like this too. It's not the actual event that's frustrating so much as the feeling of never really being heard when you express a preference - as if she knows better than you so what you would enjoy.

On a practical level, I deal with it by putting DH in charge of these things and telling him what I do/don't want. He'll then arrange things with my parents and will be clear - "We'll be at X restaurant, and we'll do cake beforehand; Jilly hates any fuss in public" etc. It seems to work pretty well, (DH and DM get on well, which helps). Would your DH be up for being The Organiser, so DM doesn't get the chance?

Hmm, yes that's a possibility Jilly. Although we had organised the meal ourselves this time and DM still managed to slip out to organise the candle etc.

I should have just gone with my initial instinct of skipping dessert!

For my 40th (still a little while to go) I had half thought of a nice dinner with extended family in a nice restaurant - mainly to avoid the whole "people giving speeches about you and bringing up hilarious photos from your past" type party that seems to be common among my friends. But now maybe a party at home might be the best idea (I'm quite delighted to have cake and candles and singing when I expect it and when I'm not surrounded by strangers).

vvv ...there are starving children in this world who don't even know what CAKE is. How could you be so insensitive?

vvv ...there are starving children in this world who don't even know what CAKE is. How could you be so insensitive?
grin

vvviola. You do sound lovely. Would you like to spend your 40th Chez Fatmomma's? We'll (quietly) drink too much. My DH (who is an amazing cook) will cook you something. It'll ALL be around my DD, because everything is in this house (as she is my SPECIAL snowflake, and I have to screw her up for generations to come).
When she goes to bed, you and I can go on AIBU and post galore.

Sound like a night to you?

I'm 40 this year and I lost my mum to cancer two years ago. She lived embarrassing me and knew I'm a non centre of attention person. She just loved me so much ... She didn't understand my self confidence issues. She thought I was perfect !!!!i wish she was here to make a total fuss of my 40th and to embarrass me and tAke way to many photos and post on Facebook .... You don't know what you've lost until it's gone !!!

Sorry for all those whose relatives have died. But it should be a rule that nobody is allowed to come on such threads saying their mum is dead and OP should think about that.

We all know that death is part of life. I don't think OP should just grin and bear it on grounds that her mother will die one day. We'll all die one day, right? But we still try to improve our relationships to make each other happier.

My mum sounds similar, OP. She loves me a lot, so she says, and calls us best friends, but a lot of our relationship is based around what she wants and what she thinks I should be. She boasts about me - when im not there it's her prerogative, but when I'm there i wish she wouldn't force people to pretend to be impressed about my very average life and achievements - she always passes comments on my weight and appearance, when I was in my 20s would forcibly direct me towards or away from certain jobs, and in my 30s started publicly shaming me for not having kids yet (she once shouted at me in front of people for it, which she thought was funny). I have brought it up with her but she just says that I've always been oversensitive and need to toughen up.
On the other hand, she is there for me if I have problems and is always very welcoming when I see her.
It's totally frustrating but she can't or won't see my side of it, much like your cake situation. I think our only choice is just to take it on the nose, focus on the positives in the relationship, and try not to repeat the same mistakes with our own children! Xx

Oh Kate, it's not like that at all. I don't expect my DM to be silent, or to not be herself. I love her in a slightly exasperated way just as she is. I think she is amazing, and I love the way she can interact with my DC and bring a whole load of craziness and silliness into their lives that I just can't. I just wish she wouldn't drag me into her spotlight, that's all!

I can assure you not all introverts judge extroverts. Shake our heads in bemused amazement maybe, but not judge...

fatmomma, now that sounds like a plan