Trying to not be unreasonable about my MIL

[bubbathebuilder]

Right. I have changed my name so as not to be recognised. Also, really trying to avoid being the snarky unreasonable twat I know that I am. So I am after advice really.

I have great PIL - they are phenomenal. We chose to stay where we are now because my wife wanted to be close to her parents to help us with children when we had them - rather than move closer to my parents (who are 00's of miles away).

However, I am fed up of my MIL listening to me, agreeing, smiling sweetly and then happily undermining me as soon as my back is turned.

An example - we went for a meal. Had a great time. FIL paid for us all. Wonderful. Left the restaurant and my 4 year old who had eaten a massive dinner, and his dessert, and most of everybody else's too says he is hungry once we get to MILs house. He isn't - he is just being greedy.

I tell him he can't have any more to eat. Grandma suggests a biscuit or yogurt. I say to her and to him - "No, he has eaten enough I really don't want him to have any more to eat. " She replies OK, sorry you can't have any more. I go to the car to put something in the boot - and come back in to see him eating a biscuit. "It's OK" he tells me "Grandma said I could just have one little biscuit".

This is one little example - but it is a continuing and constant pattern. If they don't agree with our way of parenting vs their way of grandparenting, they simply ignore us.

The problem is that every time I raise this with my wife, she promises to do something about it but wont. She never actually challenges her parents - I think because of a lifetime of PA from her mum.

If I say something to them I will come across as a bad tempered angry rude arsehole - I know this because that is what happens when I get upset.

The unreasonable options are:

1. I open up on them both barrels and irrevocably damage the situation.
2. I am honest but manage to not lose my temper with them and my wife faces a couple of years of PA from her mum on how terrible I am (although natch, nothing will be said in public or my earshot).
3. I cut off all contact (and they help out a lot) and spend money on childcare for the time they do look after my children, only allowing them to see the kids on our terms and when we can control the situation.

Really looking for what the reasonable option is here. I should add that we are having issues with my son following instructions - and I don't know how much is his age and how much is that he realises that he can get his own way if he asks enough people.

Often, firm and polite is a good stategy.

I can't help but wonder though, how much she will be going against your wishes during all that childcare when you're not around.

onemagnum - that is an excellent way to look at it thank you. Yes when they are doing childminding they follow the rules - when he is visiting at the weekend etc they can be a bit more lax. Thank you. Genius.

Apologies also - I would never have stopped them seeing him altogether, although in my anger I made it sound as if I would. What I meant was I would pay for the wraparound childcare they provide, but that would have hurt them equally.

RB68 - thanks. She has seen the letter. However, my MIL is the matriarch of the family and extended family and KNOWS BEST.

my MIL is the matriarch of the family and extended family

That may well be the core issue. Rather than be about a lot of individual small things like the biscuit, it may at the bottom line be about a power struggle, it's a pretty common family dynamic. MiL may not even consciously realise she's doing it. But that's what the calm, firm, cheerful not letting it go will help with.

If its just well intentioned overenthusiasm and pampering then it'll ease away. If it's about a power struggle then you'll see it escalate before it gets better.

"If its just well intentioned overenthusiasm and pampering then it'll ease away. If it's about a power struggle then you'll see it escalate before it gets better."

Possibly - I am already on thin ice because when she starts doing her "thing" to exert control I just laugh and point it out (to be fair, so do the other outlaws who are a real help). I also mention problems openly because if there is one thing that is held dear as a rule it is "If nobody ever mentions it then there definitely isn't a problem there". However it works within their family. I am lucky however - I was raised by a violent mother and an alcoholic abusive father - so somebody giving me the silent treatment, or MAKING A POINT etc. really doesn't impact me.

Everybody Loves Raymond? With a mother in law like yours, you could learn a hell of a lot from Ray Barone.