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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was strange behaviour from this 17 year old? Or maybe it's normal you tell me.

57 replies

Flamingo1980 · 16/05/2016 21:46

I had a bit of an odd experience this week. I went to meet my colleagues daughter as they are local and she wanted some childminding work with my daughter.
The girl is 17. I took my daughter to their house and knocked on the door. My colleague answered the door and greeted me in a friendly lovely way. She's really nice, down to earth woman, I really like her.
Then her daughter steps forward and we are introduced and shake hands. All fine. Then, her daughter then looks at her mum, throws her arms around her neck and gives her a long, clingy, hug. Erm. Okay. Then my friend's husband arrives and we are introduced. He seems nice. Daughter then throws her arms around his neck, more hugging and cuddling and embracing ensues. I have been there less than two minutes at this point.
We go into the kitchen and make small talk about the weather and her house for a bit as you do. And the daughter continues with the hugs and embraces at around 5-10 minute intervals. Doesn't pay that much attention to my daughter.
Now, I'm no expert, and I hardly came from a normal balanced amazing family, but is that much affection required by most 17 years old girls from her parents? In front of a total stranger? Who is potentially wanting her to be in charge of their child?
And mostly, WHY? Why would a 17 year old girl be doing that? I was there for about two hours and it reduced but didn't stop. She just hovered around her parents mostly and kept up some sort of physical contact.
I might add I will not be requiring her to look after my child I'm not sure she's... Mature enough? Grownup enough? Independent enough?!?
What's going on here do you think? Or is that totally normal and am I over reacting?

OP posts:

acasualobserver · 16/05/2016 22:33

Do you think she did it, realised it looked weird and then tried to normalise it by doing it constantly? In this sort of vicious cycle each new hug could only be justified by another one.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/05/2016 22:36

I agree she's probably on the autistic spectrum and her mum has tried to get her integrated into some sort of normality. My friend has a daughter (14) who constantly hugs and kisses her parents in front of others. She's a lovely girl and doesn't understand that it's not socially ok to hug your parents beyond a certain age because it is the trait of a younger child

Spangletangle · 16/05/2016 22:36

My dd is younger but they are all very huggy with each other, much more than I remember being with my friends. But then in the nineties we all started endlessly hugging each other in nightclubs and fields, and this has in turn rubbed off on our children. That's my theory anyway.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/05/2016 22:37

The teens I know are always draped all over each other!

Iknownuffink · 16/05/2016 22:38

All of my alarm bells are going off. She made no attempt to befriend your child.

Orda1 · 16/05/2016 22:38

I don't think it's too weird. I sometimes sit on my dads lap for a cuddle! But I can see how it's odd for others, depends how close/cuddly the family is. Odd though I front of a stranger.

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 16/05/2016 22:39

I'd say she was too emotionally immature to leave in charge of a young child.
Attention seeking is what I'd think of her behaviour.

Kenduskeag · 16/05/2016 22:39

Oh come on, does everything have to be Autism? Any minor deviance from social norm, 'autism'... it dilutes the seriousness of actual autism.

I'd say she was just immature. If she's that shy, nervous, lacking in social awareness and needy for whatever reason, be it personality type or learning difficulty, then the conclusion's still the same - she's not mature enough to babysit your child.

TheTartOfAsgard · 16/05/2016 22:40

I think it depends on the family. My friends 18 year old son and his mate(s) regularly come shopping/out for lunch with us and he's very cuddly with her - he holds onto her arm as we walk along, and even gave her a piggy back to the car cos her feet were aching! They have a brilliant relationship and I think it's lovely he still wants to, and is not embarrassed to give his mum a hug

ssd · 16/05/2016 22:43

thats just weird

Meeep · 16/05/2016 22:52

All families are different, she sounds v shy / anxious to me, but she might be great with kids one on one?
Of course, you don't have to use her as a babysitter to find out if you weren't comfortable.

MrsJayy · 16/05/2016 22:52

Im sure if the girl had Autism the ops friend would have mentioned it in the passing . My dd is 18 and 1 of those annoying over dramatic schreechy huggy teens that you sigh at when you see them screeching at their friends but she wouldnt hang all over me if there was people in the house and not if that person was going to offer her a babysitting job

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/05/2016 22:53

Oh come on, does everything have to be Autism?

My friends DD has autism. The OP's description sounds like my friends DD. My reply to the OP was based on my experience on autism.

Of course not everything is about autism but my reply was relevant

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/05/2016 22:57

And my friend doesn't automatically tell everyone her DD is autistic because she's terrified of people reacting negatively towards her DD

GarlicShake · 16/05/2016 23:05

Did the parents respond in kind?

I'm wondering whether:

a] She was making some kind of witty or passive-aggressive point following an earlier row;

b] She has been through something terrifying and happened to need stacks of reassurance at this time.

There's also possibility

c] She's a bit unusual in some way.

I'm impressed you didn't ask! I don't think I'd have been able to resist the temptation!

MrsJayy · 16/05/2016 23:12

spare if a friend approached your friend about her dd babysitting she would mention it im sure

Travelledtheworld · 16/05/2016 23:14

I have a very cuddly DD 17 but no way would she embrace me in front of strangers.

I also think your friends daughter could be on The Spectrum.
Good luck with dealing with it sensitively.

OralB123 · 16/05/2016 23:16

Are people saying that the cuddling is an issue, or the fact that it was in front of a stranger? I cuddle my mum all the time! I did as a teen too... Not my dad though, a quick hug and it's done I'm very close to my mum though.

LizKeen · 16/05/2016 23:17

I wish I was making it up. It was incredibly awkward for me. I am not a huggy person at all and she was just there sitting on his knee. I remember thinking he felt uncomfortable with it too but he made no effort to move her.

CarolH78 · 16/05/2016 23:19

That's definitely unusual. My DD is 16, nearly 17, hugs me in private but wouldn't dream of doing so with other people around, except as a normal "hello hug" sort of thing. None of her teenage friends would cuddle parents like that in front of other people either. It does sound like she could be either shy or emotionally immature, or both, or possibly somewhat on the autism spectrum as sparepants suggested. Unless she's gone through some frightening event recent that you don't know about. My daughter was unusually tactile with me for a week or so after being mugged.

Frankly, though, I'd be more concerned about the fact that she didn't pay much attention to your DD. Was the childminding job her idea or is it her parents trying to nudge her into it?

Kr1stina · 16/05/2016 23:21

I have a shy 16 yo DD. She is huggy and tactile in private but not in public .

None her friends act like that with their parents in front of a visitor . They might hug a parent once , if they were going out . Or as a kind of game " aw poor mum let me give you a hug " . The girls all hug each other . But draped over mum and dad ? No .

Not even her best friend who comes from a Very touchy feels huggy family and is extremely close to her parents . She doesn't do that l

My 9 year old would do it in front of people, as a form of attention seeking . Especially if I was paying attention to a cute 4yo visitor , he would be jealous .

Mabelface · 16/05/2016 23:21

I have three 17 year olds; 2 boys and one girl. One of the boys and my DD are very huggy, particularly my DD who will hug me and her dad no matter who is there and as often as she can. I don't think it's weird, in fact, it shows that she's likely to be very affectionate towards your daughter.

mummyto2monkeys · 16/05/2016 23:33

I am a Mother of an autistic son, I am also an ex teacher who has read over forty books on the autistic spectrum and been on several training courses. At several points over my research I have come across case studies that sound identical to the OP's post. I have listened to parents who are beside themselves with worry over this type of behaviour, particularly when their daughters are in a mainstream setting. I gave my opinions based on my training and research.

As an aside I have been working on this with my son recently. I am using a social skills program that uses a visual stimuli alongside group activities, to teach children about the importance of personal space, as well as appropriate behaviour depending on which circle (family, friends, acquaintances and finally strangers) on the visual example the person belongs to.

The fact that your friends daughter showed no interest in your dc, confirms that suspicion for me. As for the friend telling her, there may be many reasons why the parents would choose not to share this information. A very strong reason being that her daughter may have requested that she withhold it. My son has expressed that he would rather I don't post his pictures on Facebook, I respect my son's wishes.

Apologies for any typos/ grammar I am typing in the dark, one handed as my son injured his eye tonight and was too overwhelmed to sleep alone.

manicinsomniac · 17/05/2016 00:05

It seems a bit strange. I'm not sure how strange though.

When I was 17 I would sit on my parents' knees briefly when hugging them and would sometimes go and sit on their bed when my dad was lying in/reading the paper and cuddle up with him. Possibly because I'm physically very tiny it's just something I didn't grow out of? Is this girl small?? (clutching at straws!)

I would never ever have gone beyond a brief hug in public though - and only then if it was a hello or goodbye hug not just a random for no reason one.

IDontBelieveAnything · 17/05/2016 00:07

One of my DDs is a bit like this although I'm pretty sure she wouldn't do it so much if there were visitors. She is 19 and if she comes to watch tv with me she has to be practically on my lap and if we are walking together she leans into me. it's both endearing and irritating

She is happy to living away from home whilst she is at Uni so I don't think she is needy or immature. I think she just likes physical contact. Preferably with her boyfriend but if he's not about then I'll do.

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