Redressing the balance between GPs - more of a WWYD?

[YumBountyChoc]

I'm not really sure what to do about this situation so want some advise. Sorry for the mammoth post.

I'm 24, have a 10.5month old DD and I'm recently married. I freely admit I did things like having a baby a young, but I'm happy with my life and I love it.

Mum feels my PILs are favoured over her with regards to spending time with my DD. I try not to do this but unfortunately due to circumstances it's happened. DH works 4 days a week, usually Wednesday-Saturday but occasionally Monday-Thursday, 11am-7pm which means he spends very little time with our DD during the latter half of the week. My mum works Monday-Friday 5am-5pm and MIL works Sunday-Tuesday 7am – 12noon and then Thursday and Friday 12noon-5pm. This is all relevant. Sunday is family day that me, DH and DD spend together as it's Hs only guarenteed day off – I do not arrange anything with anyone for this day unless it's a special day e.g mothers day or it is a birthday.

I try and spend time with my mum and DD every other Saturday but this can be difficult. My mum spends both weekend days with my elderly granddad and this means we can't really do things together as there's not room for my granddads mobility scooter and DD's pushchair in the car – as said above DD can't crawl or walk yet so can't leave the pushchair behind as she's too heavy to carry everywhere. My mum won't not go out with my granddad and if we stay home we have to go to my granddads tiny one bed flat, which is cramped so I don't stay long. My brother has mental health problems and too many people in his house at once triggers his anxiety so my mum doesn't invite me there often. My 2 aunts live nearby and are happy to help with my granddad whenever he needs it, so I suggested to my mum about having one Saturday a month just me her and DD, my granddad was not offended by this and perfectly happy to go to my aunts houses or see one of my cousins on that day but my mum said no. I do see my granddad once a fortnight alone when I take him for a coffee or for lunch so it's not like I don't want to see him or spend time with him, I do, I just wish I could have some time with my mum alone.

I'm currently job hunting, and as MIL is off on Wednesdays she's offered to have DD every week so that I can apply for as many jobs as I can without distraction, it also gives me a bit of break. On Monday or Tueasday if H is off he'll take DD round to his mum in the afternoon for an hour or so this is usually once every 2-3 weeks, so in a fortnight MIL will see DD a couple of times while my mum will only see her once. My mum says this is unfair, but I don't know how to redress the balance. I pay MIL to have DD on Wednesdays despite her wanting to do it for free as I do feel it's not fair of my mum who can't offer the same. I can't take DD round to my mum in the week due to her work schedule as by the time she's home from work it's 6pm and I'm starting bedtime with DD at 6.30pm (she's in bed and asleep by 7), so unless I was to only spend about 10minutes with her (25minute bus journey each way to my mums) then I can't really go round.

So should I stop the Wednesdays with MIL? If I get a job they'll likely stop anyway as the nursery I want her to go to has places for Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday only.

WWYD?

"Going to speak to her again I think and say that she either excepts my offer to come round 1-2 evenings a week and see us one Saturday a month or she doesn't see us at and stops moaning unless she can come up with another solution which everyone including MIL and DH are happy with."

You have done more than enough OP. The ball is in he court, she either makes space in her life for your DD or she doesn't. I would not change your Wednesday agreement.

I agree with those pointing out her martyr tendencies.

You don't need to 'redress the balance'. She needs to decide on her priorities, act accordingly, and stop moaning that there aren't 8 days in a week or 30 hours in a day.

Her choices are not your responsibility.

She is being very unreasonable and unfair. It sounds like she is still treating you like a child.

I think you have to be firm that she isn't to comment on how much time your DD spends with her other Granny. I'd tell her you are happy to discuss ways for her to spend more time with your DD but that it's got nothing to do with 'being fair'. Make it clear that you will NOT discuss your arrangement with your inlaws as it's got nothing to do with your DM

I suggest it might be an idea to not tell your DM too much about your inlaws.

OP there is never going to be a balance. My DM and DF see my DD nearly every weekend (overnight with DM) and my DF will pop over to my house during the week sometimes also. Neither drive and it can be awkward to get to my house.
My MIL sees my DD sporadically, despite having access to direct public transport and access to a car.
With work and school and us not driving we don't see her as often as my parents, because my parents actively visit us. My DH and I live with it, would he like his DM to see our DD more, yes, do we expect it, no.

There is no ideal balance, and your DM is being dramatic and awkward about this. She should focus on making sure the time she does spend with you and your DD is fun and nice and building a good relationship when she can.

"I suggest it might be an idea to not tell your DM too much about your
in laws"
^
Agree strongly !

WWID? Beyond saying "DM I have offered you solutions and alternatives. The ball is now in your court" - absolutely nothing! Definitely jealous of your MIL but unwilling to accept any of the very reasonable solutions you have offered.

I suspect, like others, that she simply wants MIL to see DD less. Which is ridiculous. Life isn't like that.

Just keep repeating "DM I have offered you some choices. Pick one or shut up wingeing "

Your MiL sounds lovely.

Yes, you can hardly cut back on MiL's time to keep it 'fair' - you've offered DM several options to increase her visits, she's choosing not to take them, that's her decision. Expecting you to ration MiL's time to match hers is not reasonable. Particularly when MiL is supporting you and by extension the whole family so much with her offered Wednesdays.

Although it sounds like your mum is juggling a lot, probably feels under various pressures as you say and is seeing it through that light, and hasn't realised yet how unreasonable it is.

It's obvious your DM is very jealous of your MIL having more access to your DD and that in the absence of her making any effort to change arrangements, she would be just as happy if MIL saw DD less even if she didn't see DD more (if you see what I mean).

I wouldn't get wound up about it. If she's not prepared to do what is necessary to see your DD more, tell her that's down to her.

I spoke to my mum tonight, offered again for her to come over 1-2 nights a week when DH is working to help me with bath and bed, she just said "can't you cope with that by now? She's 1 in 6 weeks time". So I offered again about seeing me once a month on a Saturday, even suggested I speak to my aunt myself and arrange it, knowing full well my granddad just wants to see one of his family members at the weekend.

When I spoke to my granddad last night he said he didn't care who he sees and when as long as he sees us all regularly and he's happy for my mum to spend more time with her only GD even if that means dropping him for one weekend (he actually said he'd have a word about it and suggest he sees her every other weekend, and goes to my aunt on the others).

So just got to wait and see.

My mum is incredibly jealous of MIL, not just due to the lifestyle but because DD recognises MIL, and had even started to say "Gee-gee" (pronoused like the first part of Geese) when we see her. DD barely recognises my mum and I know it's because we don't spend as much time with her.

Your mum is being ridiculous and you are trying to pander to her tantrum y running around and changing other people's routines. She has been offered solutions. She isn't interested. Your DGD isn't even bothered if she sees you instead of him, she can't do that. Tell her "oh well, nothing we can do then" and let her get on with it. She's an adult. She'll cope.

Interesting that your brother managed university but can't manage people in the house or a job. Why doesn't he claim benefits? Not that he necessarily should. I'm not sure why anxiety means you can go to uni but not work.

Well you've done your best OP. Hope you didn't resent the "coping" comment too much, just try to ignore that nonsense.
Best thing now is to limit how much you tell your Mum about in-laws. Need to know basis will suffice!

Well if she wants your DD to recognise her, taking part in the bath and bed routine would be a great way to go about it. And if she doesn't see that then I'd say she prefers to do the woe-is-me martyrdom.

Please OP do not see less of your mother in law because your mum is jealous.

It is perfectly normal for grandparents to sometimes have more time with a child r because or circumstance. Your mother is turning down opportunities to see her grandchild.

Her comment about you coping with bedtime is thoughtless.

I think you need to really let this one go. There are many years of family life ahead and your mum is an adult who will have to make time for her grandchild herself.

Just to add...you sound like you are taking on a huge emotional burden of trying to make your mum feel better.

You should just focus on your little girl and leave the door open for your mum to fit in to your family life when she decides she wants to.

If it helps send her an email outlining all the various ways you could facilitate her visiting and then say I'll leave it up to you we always love to see you.

Don't worry i don't resent the "coping" comment, it's typical of my mum, speaks then engages brain.

My brothers anxiety and depression apparently started after university had finished when his now ex-girlfriend, dumped him and moved back to her home town - brother went to university in the next town across. I'm not sure really though as he graduated from University after I'd move out.

I'm not going to punish my MIL for Mums decision not to see me and DD, I will continue. And I won't punish my granddad either, I will still continue to see him once a fortnight for coffee/lunch.