To still be angry?

[paperchase0verdone]

My mum moved to Aus 10 yrs ago, the year after my DD was born. She moved with my younger siblings and step dad. I was a Teen mum, full time job with no partner around. She said she was going on holiday and never came back. Didn't offer me or my 2 other siblings to go. Just packed up and left. Didn't see her for 4 years then she came over and I just felt anger. I struggled so much with working and raising my DD.
She has given the best life to my 2 younger siblings, they want for nothing. Yet with us left behind, she couldn't care less. Younger siblings are now 19&20, she does everything for them still, pays for University, holidays etc and I feel resentment as she never took us on holidays, never went shopping with us, never done anything like that.
When I have bought it up with her she cries, says she knows she is a bad mum, why do I hate her so much etc, all why me kind of cries.
The other month she had enough and left her husband (and the kids) and flew back, I dropped everything and picked her up, paid for petrol, was shoulder to cry on, for her to tell me 4 days later she feels bad on the 2 children and has to go back to them. She NEVER thought of us like that. I'm so hurt for many reasons. I wanted a mum who I could rely on, could talk to, visit and have for advice and just a mum. I feel so jealous when I see/hear other people doing that with their mums. Still now. 10 years on.
People say I should get over it, not bother to think about it, but it hurts still now. I don't have any contact with my dad (have seen him once in a year) and my UK siblings - well we just don't talk at all for various reasons.
I have a fantastic partner and great kids, just filled with anger still. Should I be? Should I still think about it? Or am I over reacting?
Sometime you just need your mum and through the toughest times of my life, I haven't had one.

Also, I parent differently to my parents as I don't want to be that kind of parent. I tell my kids everyday that I love them, I try my best to support them in any extra curricular activities they want to try/do, I take an active interest in their education - both inside and outside the classroom and am tactile.

I decided that my focus would be on how I parented my children and not how I was parented.

And you don't sound like a teenager or a child - you sound like someone who has been profoundly hurt by the actions of their mother and hasn't come to terms with it yet. I was 17 when I realised my father didn't give a shit. One of my siblings was in their 40s when it struck them and they're still struggling.

Maybe counselling is worth considering? Be kind to yourself. These emotions take time to understand and come to terms with.

How awful for you. Your feelings are completely understandable and valid. You have a massively disappointing set of parents and you sound like any parent should have been proud to have you. I think you're right to look into counselling and do let yourself grieve. It's a massive gap in your life. I'm without my mum so I do understand part of it. You're always going to think of her and be patient with yourself because you'll always feel something. At the same time, you can't keep setting yourself up for a fall by hoping things have changed. It sounds like there is something about your mum, perhaps something in her past, that means she can't be there for you in the way she should have been. Her behaviour isn't normal. Your younger siblings are in a different situation obviously but don't go down that road, it's a head wrecker. I would do the counselling, give yourself space to grieve, and look at other relationship possibilities that might be fulfilling. There might be something in the adoption idea.

Scarlett It does truly feel like she is dead. Sometimes I think it would be easier (I know how that sounds!! but it is true feelings coming out My nan is around, I don't see her as much as we would like, I live 300 miles away and she goes abroad 7-9 months a year. She struggled so much when mum left herself which still effects her now.

Even when mum was here, she just didn't treat us right, my 2 youngers would get Xmas and we wouldn't. Just silly little things. Even through my bullying and torment she wasn't interested. But did for the younger kids. I found it (and still do) hard to be friends with people, keep friends & bond. My therapist thinks it is to do with mum, even to the point where I find love hard. A natural bond that I should have just didn't develop the way it should have I really am trying to be the best mum I can be but sometimes I think I'm too messed up (sorry if it's turning into a Mental Health post)

Paper I have no words to describe the behaviour of your mum. Rest assured that it is all to do with her & not at all to do with how you are. I could not behave that way & it is beyond my comprehension. I have seen people use the term 'narc' (narcissist) on here & refer to the 'stately home' threads which might help you to realise that you are not the only one who has experienced this from a parent.
It is obviously difficult to see your nan given the distance.
Keep going with the CBT- there is no quick fix. Hopefully you will end up feeling stronger & that pain will ease. You have your own lovely little family & you do not need a mother who is unwilling to be loving. There seems little point in engaging with her in the hope of winning her over. I know the ache of not having a mum there. Behind closed doors not everybody is having a great time- it just looks rosy to us on the outside. You are probably very busy with your family but just wondering if there is a visiting the elderly scheme near you or something similar which will fulfill the needs for both of you.

Hi paper

Sorry your mum wasn't good enough to deserve the title mother and there stems the problem.

She wasn't good enough, but you carry the can for her inadequacy.

You feel guilt cause hey it's ya mum and I feel,bad about feeling this about her
I'm angry and frustrated, but she just says sorry I was a shit mum, sort of takes the air out of your tyres really.

It's easy for her to say that, it requires no real thought no action on her part, no need to make any thing up to you, cause hey she's shit right? That just about excuses her everything you feel she did to you.

As far as your CBT is concerned it's not,going to touch the sides of what your feeling, you don't need a coping mechanism, you need talking therapy with someone who understands how to walk you through the process.

Your mum is selfish, out of sight out of mind, you stepped up instantly when she called and your reward was what? Straight back to square one. I won't even bother with your dad that's a whole other conversation.

Your dealing with issues around abandonment my lovely and all the feelings of why weren't I good enough for them to give a shit.

What you start with is what have I been good enough about.

I gave birth I had my beautiful babies all on my own, I found a decent partner and I cracked on,
You are a good enough mum and person, you learnt that about yourself and with no help from anyone else.

Most importantly my darling is you will never make the same mistakes she made, your mum is who she is, sadly she learned those lessons from someone else possibly her parents. Luckily for your kids they skipped a lesson with you.

Chin up lovely

paperchase0verdone

CBT is unlikely to help with this, you probably need a really good psychotherapist. Having a parent who plays favourites so obviously is hell on earth, it messes with your head (and your heart) to an unimaginable degree. Detaching is the only way to protect yourself, it is also gut wrenchinly!

Coming to terms with the situation is neither easy nor pleasant, but it's not impossible. Trying to understand your mother is an exercise in futility, unless you're capable of behaving like her you'll never really understand her.