to ask exH to bring DD back early from holiday?

[partridgeappletree]

DD is 9 years old. She has mild learning difficulties and was selectively mute up until 18 months ago. She was being bullied and so moved schools after Christmas and has been much happier since. Two summers ago, exH booked a long weekend away mid September meaning DD had to miss Friday and Monday at school, even though he had obviously just had the summer holidays when he could have taken her away. I was not happy and DD was very anxious about missing school.

Now he has informed me tonight that he's booked a holiday which means DD missing the first day back in September this year. His holiday is booked from Monday-Sunday but he said he's leaving a day early because his GFs friends wedding is on the Sunday, which he also wants DD to attend. So effectively he wants DD to miss the first day back at school and have no rest time after holiday before going to a late finishing and 1.5 hour away wedding, meaning a late night on the night before going back to school even though she's never met the person who's wedding it is.

When he booked the holiday in September a couple of years ago, I specifically said it's a good idea not to book holidays at the beginning or end of the summer holidays because she's usually run down and poorly at the beginning and needs to be home and getting back into routine at the end. I have been fully flexible as we're going on holiday in October and said he could pick any weeks to have her.

Because of her anxiety/friendship difficulties/previous mutism, I think she could really struggle with having a disrupted start to the year and I've been thinking of asking him to return her to me on the Thursday afternoon so she doesn't miss the first day back at school. The holiday is 2.5 hour drive away. I thought I could then offer to collect her from the wedding at a reasonable time so she can still go, his plans aren't disrupted and she isn't too tired for school on Monday. AIBU to ask these things of him or do I just need to let it go?

Yes she is back on the Friday. So he wants her to miss the Friday for holiday then most likely not be in bed before midnight the night before going back to school on the Monday.

Watch that the school dont try to fine YOU for HIS choice. There was a poster a while ago who was called into school to ask why the DC were late every time the DH brought them in. Pure sexism.

partridgeappletree that sounds awful, your ex should be thinking about what is best for dd. Is he a reasonable person, can you appeal to his better nature? Can you get him on side?

You are totally within your rights to point out that she will find it stressful to miss the first day back, especially as she has had friendship issues before, and has selective muteism.

I personally would not be too worried about missing a day of school, and can't really see what all the fuss is about generally but even I can see the first day of a new school year is key!

AND the important thing is your dd will not want to do that and it might disadvantage her in some way to miss the first day back. Plus if there is a fine, it needs to go down on his record as a parent, not your record and he needs to pay it. Does he know that?

I agree that she shouldn't miss the first day of school. When mine were little the last week before school started was spent at home relaxing and getting gently 'reacquainted' with the school time routines.

Perhaps you should call the school and just let them know that YOU don't approve and would prefer they not permit it?

I would move mountains to get her into school on the Friday, if that's the first day. I'd pick her up from the holiday myself actually. I was a very anxious child and that first day always caused me a lot of stress.

The first day of the school year is the very worst day of the whole school year to miss; it is when children find their places in class and cloakrooms, receive stationery, books, timetables, learn class routines and rules, meet the staff who will be with them etc. etc. If she is already anxious it will put her at a disadvantage before she starts. He is being extremely unreasonable.

I would talk to the school. Express your concerns make it clear that you are not happy with the situation, you have offered to collect her early but he is refusing and is there anything that they can do to help persuade him to bring her in.

I feel like I'm being a hypocrite because I let her have a day off near her birthday so I could take her out for the day, just the two of us. But that was mid-year and she was settled and happy to miss it. The first day of a new school year is very different, IMO. I know he'll say if I don't like it I can collect her on the Thursday but I don't drive so it's impossible.

Missing the first day of the year is terrible, it is the day everyone chooses their seats for the year, and you end up sat somewher crap.

Well that was what happened to me the one time i missed the first day of autumn term.

Missing the first day is a bad idea. Plus, from what you said earlier, she'll be back late the day before she goes to school, so she'll be tired. That will not make the teacher happy- having already missed the first day she'll then be tired on the day she does turn up. Mention things to the school if poss.

Suggest she goes on the holiday but not to the wedding. Missing that Friday won't be the end of the world - I doubt she'll be the only one. However, the Monday will probably be when things get started properly, and the wedding of someone she doesn't know isn't a good enough reason for her to be tired and crabby for that.

Why does he want her at the wedding anyway? I might be being cynical, but I detect the hand of the new girlfriend here. Is it possible that she likes the idea of all her friends saying 'X is amazing, she's so great with her boyfriend's little girl, she's so lucky'? To be honest I see very little in for your ex - it's not as if it's a family wedding. He'll probably spend the day looking after your daughter - who may well find it difficult being in a room full of strangers given her history - and not speaking to anyone else. It's hardly quality father-daughter time.

If you give in over the Friday but put your foot down over the Monday, that could be a good compromise that means a) less chance of a row, b) your daughter gets a full week with her dad and c) she misses minimal school time.

I spoke to the school today. They said they also disagree with her missing the first day and that they won't authorise it but he won't get fined if it he does it anyway. DD doesn't want to miss it. I am going to tell him that it's unfair to make a unilateral decision when dd, her school and me all disagree and all for the sake of him not disrupting his holiday. I will say I am not prepared to let her miss the first day and I think he'll say I can collect her on the Thursday then, which he knows I can't.

I guess I'll have to ask him to guarantee he'll return her on the Thursday or else say she can't go. I really hope he won't be petty enough to make her miss the whole holiday then blame me.

He's planned the whole thing badly really, selfish and thoughtless. As pp stated, mist families spend the last few days of the holidays quietly settling down for the year and reinstating/reinforcing school time routines. Your suggestion that he avoid the beginning and end of terms for holidays wouldn't be unreasonable upgraded to a strict condition rather than suggestion. How can people like this father not see that we don't have rules like this to limit the adult's freedom, but to care for the child? He sounds utterly selfish.

Is there any risk of him saying he'll return her on Thursday and then reneging once you've let her go, returning to his original plan? Although it sounds disruptive and inconvenient, are there any public transport options you could use to collect her yourself if need be, a train, bus, coach?

Yanbu he ibu and inconsiderate of his own child.

I have two younger children, one with additional needs, so using public transport to fetch her isn't an option.

He could renege on his agreement to return her to school but I guess I could say if he doesn't return her to school as appropriate then I will be forced to withdraw contact that takes place from/to school which will inconvenience him so hopefully he'll comply.