To feel a bit hurt that Dh didn't come home from work on my birthday until 10.00pm?

[YellowPrimula]

I know I am a grown up in fact I am middle aged with three almost adult dc and I also know he has a very full on job ( never home before 8.00pm on a good day) . He would just say it's his job , I don't understand his job( I do I've lived it for thirty years and work in a not completely unrelated field myself), he literally can't leave , others work even longer hours, can't let clients down etc etc .Can you tell we have had these arguments before ?

I want to be cool and laid back about it , after all it's just a birthday ,but I feel so hurt .He was away all last weekend,which involved a day off, admittedly a rare occurrence and I didn't mind at all but it feels like he can leave if he really wants to.I 'm not wanting bells and whistles just home in time to have dinner as a family , maybe a present that doesn't come in the post because he can't find an hour to go shopping ( it was a voucher from somewhere only 10 mins from home ) but he couldn't even find the time to pick it up so it came addressed to me in a brown envelope! Apparently that was from the DC as well but as it wan't signed or in a card even how would I know ?

Maybe Aibu wasn't the best place for this anyway you are feeling neglected and sidelined he is prioritising work over his wife all the time and that s unfair he is choosing to stay till 10 PM not having to yanbu I guess this is just another thing that has happened because he chooses to stay late a bit of effort is all you want

Flip it, if he was over attentive, out of work & always there, how would you feel? YABU

Naze, what an odd -and irrelevant - post. Not helpful.

Kr1stina

He doesnt have to agree, you are already living seperate lives.

Stop being his laundromat and restaurant, if he has no concern for you or the kids and sees you as his 'image' only then let him get on with his selfish life himself.

Start looking for somewhere to go with the kids and have it all in order then just up and go. You are basicaly a single parent now anyway but with the added stress of a selfish git to run after while he ignores everyone else in the house.

You really dont need to put up with this, he is doing exactly as he pleases and its all about him. You need to do whats best for you and kids and this isnt.

He isnt paying the kids attention now so whats the difference if you move out? Kids will know already he is rubbish dad/partner so will not expect anything else.
If he doesnt see the kids then thats HIS decision, he will be the one to blame and people will see him for what he really is a selfish egotistical man who only cares about himself. Right now the kids will be picking up on the atmosphere and how he treats them anyway so the whole 'staying together for the kids' doesnt apply in your situation, the kids arent getting anything out of the 'family' anyway.

You deserve better, not to be someones servant, treated like an inconvenience unless they want something done, take control, he doesnt get to rule your life, you do.

YANBU. As you say even if he was very busy he could have called during the day to wish you happy birthday, booked a restaurant for the weekend to celebrate. He could also have made more effort to get a present (personally I think that vouchers are a crap present from a spouse especially if you have a joint bank account).
I think you should tell him how unhappy you are. Maybe he will make the effort to do something at the weekend and also do more on future birthdays.

YellowPrimula

You need to have a serious chat with him over his work. It seems to be the only thing in his life that matters to him and thats not only selfish but disrespectful.

If things continue this way you will grow to resent him more and more and it will be too late to do anything about it.

He needs to know he has a wife and family who come first, nobody needs to be working from 6 am to 8pm every day and then extra hours on top of that I mean 4 extra hours?? Whats so important that his clients need something that late at night? If its his work then they need to rethink their work/staff ratio to cope with the workload.

I would be p'd off if my oh couldnt make time for me and kids cos his work came first all the time.

Couldnt he have got the kids to get you a present and card and then signed it? if they are nearly adult then they could pitch in. My kids are yonger yet when we were out just before my birthday they got a card and flowers for me, same on mothers day. Maybe they are copying their dad and think not making any effort for their mum is acceptable?

Is he a lawyer?

I was thinking lawyer, too. Oddly over invested in their work some of them.

OP, you have to make your own fun and sod him or consider your options. Can you tell I have some experience here? Book a fuck off meal somewhere and buy yourself a stinking present. Up to you whether you invite him or someone else.

YAvvvDNBU. It's not birthdays per se, it's about being low on the list of priorities of someone who should hold you at the top of that list.

A stonking present, not a stinking present. That would be strange.

Krtsina - hope you are not doing his laundry, ironing, shopping or cooking? If so, why are you not making it easier for him to separate? You can go ahead with a separation without his agreement.

OP - your H sounds very disengaged, has he always been like this or is it a fairly recent thing? I wouldn't want to stay married to someone who has his wife and family so low down on his list of priorities.

I agree with other posters, this is not a good sign.

30 years in a career, I assume he is secure in his job! Not good sign.

I would be very very hurt.

Yes he's a lawyer , all those with kids taking law take note ! Dc3 definitely has the lawyers brain , very academically able too but said the other day not wanting to do law as doesn't want a job like dads.

He has made no effort. I would be hurt. Being busy isn't an excuse for being selfish and not bothering with the people you are supposed to love.

He already prioritises work over and above you and the family, so it's not particularly surprising that he made no exception for your birthday.

He could be a workaholic, he could just not give a shit.

But I think you should LTB. If he's never there, what's the point?!

You could give him an ultimatum (work less or change jobs or we split) but you have to actually mean it. Which means being prepared to LTB.

For those who asked - I've stopped cooking for him about a year ago as I don't know if he's even in the country so how can I prepare a meal? I eat with the kids earlier.

I've just stopped doing his laundry this month , although he's only noticed when he began to run out of clothes . I never iron .

I've stopped buying the food he likes so he's had to start doing some food shopping for himself . But obviously he eats what we have in the cupboards / Fridge.

No other domestic servicing is provided . He was never very interested anyway ( too busy, too tired ) and when I stopped initiating he just didn't see to notice .

I know it's not ideal for the kids, but I'm working on a longer term plan to leave . Or rather to get him out . It's not a good model of a marriage but it's not as if the children will see a happy relationship after we separate . And he's away so much of the time anyway .

Yellow primula - I'm sorry , I didn't mean to crash your thread . I hope you are ok

I'm sad for you both. YABU, YellowPrimula, and neither are you, Kr1stina. You are worth more than this.

Generally if he is a caring and loving partner I would let it slide.

My 40th was yesterday. My husband booked to take me to Florence. No present though and I literally know it is because he hasn't had a spare minute. He works similar hours to your husband and is under an awful lot of pressure.

A gift doesn't show me he cares. The way he treats me when we are together means more.

Claire
Have you read the OP's posts?!
They're hardly ever together because he's not there. That's not my definition of a caring and loving partner.
Your husband didn't ignore your birthday because he's taking you to Florence. The OP's husband is doing no such thing.

I haven't. Apologies.

It's all about compromise. I won't be able to get home early for ds' 16th nor will his dad and his sister is auditioning a long way off, but we have talked about it in advance and made plans for the weekend: it's all about showing that you do take an interest.

Which clearly the OP's dh does not.

Urm florance is a birthday gift and a very thoughtful one the op got a voucher in the post and a husband who could not be arsed to come home to have dinner

MrsJayy it is. I've already apologised.

What is it about law that requires this sort of hours and commitment? And why on earth do people do it if it basically means not having any sort of life outside work .

Because by the time you realise that it's a way of life not a job it's too late to get out . Also he genuinely thinks this is how people work , he thinks it's normal . He has worked in this environment since 24 he simply can't imagine any different .

My dh is not like Kristinas , he is not cruel he does try not to work on holiday etc et. But he does put work first , he takes the fact that we love each other for granted and just says this is his job

OP YANBU, i could have written your post in March... adding in pregnant and not home till 11.45, having left at 6.30. Guess what?! City lawyer too!

He did call during the day to apologise and i know he felt bad, he bought me a pot plant (?!) yes really which he gave to me that night. I was so upset i hid in the loo and cried and cried- a bit like you, my birthday is on the same day every year, could you not have organised something in advance rather than grab the quickest thing in a panic on the day?

Have you spoken to him about it? Asked if you could do something nice at w/e together? I would tell him you are hurt that he couldn't get back in time. My DH is a lawyer, my DF is still a lawyer, and contrary to other posters i get that it is a devils bargain- you get well paid for it but there are no half measures. The client is king and if they want it doing now, it gets done now. My DF is about to retire. He does a very specialised type of law, which v few people can do. His firm want him to stay on (late 60's) and he said he would love to if he could do it 2 days a week etc, but it is just not possible in this type of role. So i suppose what I'm saying is i disagree with some posters saying that it is him being selfish/workaholic/about his ego.

Depending on his level etc, exactly what it is he does, I would assume it is take it or leave it- no half measures. Maybe you two need to sit down and work out whether this career is what you both want for your family, would you both be happier doing something else? Can you afford to? My Dh dislikes his job- not the work so much but the 24hour, client arse licking nature of it, but right now we can't afford to take the HUGE financial hit for him to change careers so I try and not take it personally that I maybe see him for 20min a day (i stay awake to say hello, he has a shower and collapses into bed, that's it).

So after a bit of a waffle, no you are not unreasonable at all to feel this way. I really would try talking to him about it in a non accusatory fashion, and certainly if he is like my family, and friends of ours who are city lawyers, it is NOT about his ego/lack of care for you, it's how the job is, and what is expected of him. Good luck