To expect her to at least let me know

[JacksRagingBileDuct]

Please be gentle, this is my first AIBU.

My brother lives abroad with his family (too far for us to be able to afford to visit). He comes back, with his OH and kids, to see family once a year.

He visits the family home, roughly 2 hours from us and from the airport (slightly different direction although we are half an hour from the airport). We are expected to drop everything for that weekend to see him there (he won't visit us despite having an open invitation).

He has booked his family's tickets for this year several months ago (I know this from conversations with other family members), but hasn't let me know when his visit will be. I know it will be during term time so we are limited to a weekend visit.

AIBU to expect him to let me know when he's coming over? I know the expectation is that I will join them at the family home but I can't keep every weekend free.

I get where you're coming from OP - we have similar.

Everybody else gets included in plans, and we're told at the last minute and expected to drop everything and rearrange or lives around them - if we don't/can't then we are the unreasonable ones.

I get you OP. I don't understand why family and friends coming from abroad happily book tickets before saying "hey folks, thinking of flying in on X date, would love to have a meet up on Y date, how are you suited."

But they will do it and announce at short notice (the day before) that they're here and ready to hang out. I wouldn't mind making the effort to travel a couple of hours when they're coming from abroad but a bit of notice would be nice!

I think yabu.my sil lives abroad, visits once a year and takes ages to confirm dates. We live a 5 hours drive from pil where she stays so it really takes some planning for us to see her. But she is the one travelling a massive distance with 2 small kids and we appreciate her making the trip back to the UK so we keep weekends free and move heaven and earth to fit in with her. You sound determined to take offence, when really it's no big deal.

Could you offer to pick him up from the airport and have him stay with you for a day or so?

If he at least could let you know when the dates are it would really help, it it just him being useless? Could you call his wife?

YANBU. Be busy the next they visit and don't go to them.

If he can visit others, then he can find time to visit you. Or he could be considerate and give you advance warning of his visit.

You are not at his beck and call.

My db lives abroad. Comes home with sil and 4 dc every summer to visit. Huge expense but they are trying to maintain family connections. My dm is too frail to travel to them any more and we all used too go but college fees have put a stop to that. We pull out all the stops when they are here and it becomes a lovely time for the whole family. They stay in one place and we come to them as have already travelled so far. I check with him every year what dates they have picked so don't book own holiday while they are here. You sound mean and not interested in your db and his family. They travel. They miss going elsewhere. They pay huge money. They are family. It wouldn't kill you to do your bit. Check dates. Keep it free. Fall in with their plans. Build happy memories for your kids and their cousins. Make it fun. And stop complaining.. YABU.

Wow. I think YABVU. You haven't been to visit him ever. He makes one short visit per year and you expect him and his family to spend 4 hours of that short visit, almost half a day, on traveling to see you because you can't be bothered. Why do you need a personal invitation rather than just finding out from relatives? Why don't you just ask him if you need to know?

TBH, if I was your brother I would find it highly rude that although I was taking the time each year, taking the effort and absorbing the expense, my sister couldn't be bothered with any effort and wanted to sit at home and receive invitations and visitors. It's one weekend. You are in this country every weekend.

Expecting people who've already traveled a long way to travel even further during a very limited stay for no particular reason other than your own convenience is rude and inconsiderate. Complaining that you need to know when they're coming and that they should have let you know if you've made no effort to find out and he may not even know you don't know is silly and immature.

If there's someone in this situation who simply can't be arsed, it's you. I think you're being very, very rude.

Wow another mean-spirited, selfish Mumsnetter finding problems where there need not be any. I agree with June and Bill.

Those mumsnetters telling you your brother and his family are being inconsiderate are more likely those, who have never lived abroad and or travelled to see family abroad.

I lived abroad for almost 10 years and very few family members came to see us. Or if they did, it was only once. I have also been in the position of visiting dhs family far longer as my dh is from France. I absolutely HATE parading around to see everyone. Spending time visiting people to have dinner/lunch and chats is hellishly tiring. This year I refused to go to France. No one ever bothers to come and see us. Even when we lived in France, they still didn't bother. Why should I spend my precious family holiday running after everyone else when they couldn't be bothered to get in the car and come and see us when we lived just over an hours drive away from us for 3 years?

Op I understand that you think your brother is bu. I assure you, boot on the other foot, you wouldn't. I think hissy's suggestion is a fab idea. From my perspective, your brother and you don't communicate well - sounds a lot like my family. Yes, it would be nice to be told but really this isn't a tit for tat situation. Stop stressing and just ask for the information or ask for what you want.

I visit family over 6,000 miles away nearly every where and I don't think the OP is being unreasonable.

It does sound like her brother is not bothered about her.

I don't think OP is that upset about her DB not visiting her house or having to free up her weekend to see him.

I think she is bothered that:

• he doesn't take the time to drop the OP a quick text to say 'by the way, we'll be there on this date, would be good to see, so please keep it free'.

-she has let DB know it would be good to discuss dates ith him (OP, I'm not sure if you meant that you want your DB to arrange dates around you as that would be unreasonable).

• he has the time to visit others in the country but not OP

When my sister visits, she calls me to let me know, it's a courtesy, not a duty.

OP, don't worry, you don't sound mean at all, just a bit fed up at having to do all the running about.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Really interesting to see the huge variety of viewpoints, I guess it justified me asking the question at least

To clarify a few things, I would never expect them to make their plans around us, but a quick 'this weekend or this one' if they have options would be enormously helpful. They don't pay for flights so the money isn't an issue for them (they fly business class all expenses paid).

They will undoubtedly have already made plans with other people, I guess I just feel a bit left out, and as the only family he has (aside from our father, there are no cousins) this is what saddens me.

I have now spoken to my Dad (our only parent) and he's managed to find the date (which he thought he'd lost) - luckily it's one we can do with a bit of juggling so I'm happy the kids will see their cousins

Tell him once, in writing and very clearly: if he doesn't give you the dates then you can't guarantee to be free. Then carry on to organise your life as you would normally, but on the basis that if doesn't give you the dates in advance then you ensure that you aren't free.

Basically you're trying to get information out of two men then. Perhaps not the easiest if they don't communicate well either. I agree with Augusta but imagine he will need reminding. Probably more thoughtless than malicious so you're going to need to be very clear.

Just ask!

Unfortunately you sound like you haven't been consulted and your pride is hurt.