I'm utterly done with dds behaviour

[systemdone]

She is 13 and honestly she is horrendous. She is waiting to see camhs and has some learning difficulties but is high functioning. She is physically and verbally abusive and I have had enough. It hasn't always been like this, secondary school has completed changed her.

Tonight she has been utterly vile for no reason at all. She has been plain abusive and has sniped at me all night, scoffing and pulling a face when she thought I was getting upset. She laughed in my face, told me she hated me, I was nothing and a stupid snitch because I have told someone else about her behaviour. She has scratched me and ripped at my clothes. Banged on the floor and screamed because she knows the neighbour complains at me about it and she gets a kick from that and smashed possessions.

I'm a single parent, little support , nothing seems to work anymore.

I'm done.

OP it must be so hard. I have brought up 4 and the teenage years are the worst, special needs or no special needs. One of mine was a nightmare, when I look back I don't know how we stuck it out. He could start an argument in an empty room, everything we did was wrong, everything his siblings did was wrong. He is 23 now and he still isn't the easiest person to get along with but very different to how he was. I wish there was a magic wand and we could solve it for you but all I can suggest is keep pushing CAMHS. Good luck.

I think she can change her response to anxiety (if that response is hitting you) but she probably cannot change the fact that she is anxious in the first place.

So first find out what is causing the anxiety? Has she been diagnosed with anything, Sensory difficulties? Social Communication difficulties? as well as the learning difficulties you say she has. How are school tackling these aspects? Counselling isn't necessarily what she needs...she might need some strategies in her school day ...a place to calm down, some extra help from a TA, less homework, help with bullying..the list is endless. Just asking her what is "bothering her" might be pointless...has she been assessed by a Ed Pysch or a SALT or an OT?

Is there a pattern to her behaviour - could it be PMS?

As older women we are aware of symptoms and I can behave in an atrocious manner at times, it is almost beyond control - but whilst we all say teenagers with raging hormones as a general "thing" - it starts somewhere - but is possibly unacknowledged as a trigger to some of these excessive displays of anger.

It sounds to me like the girl is absolutely terrified. Terrified you will leave her, maybe, so she pushes you away as hard as she can - then she can be controlling it, and also it makes you have to prove you are staying. Sounds a bit like younger me...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how awful it is for BOTH of you. I'll leave it to wiser posters to offer proper advice, but I do hope you get some support

Her behaviour sounds very much like my own DC's (in year 4 though)

I've found the acting out with mine has been down to control - or feeling out of control - and needing the safety of lots of boundaries. Not saying you don't have them in place. But some SEN kids need stronger, black and white rules to feel less anxious.

Primary she would've had her own peg, her own drawer, her own desk etc in secondary you are expected to move between classes, no real 'space' that is your own and many transitions through out the day.

Mine behaves in school but takes out all the anxiety and frustrations with me at home (single parent too) and its taken 2 years of constantly hassling to school for help and buying my own interventions after school promised to fund them - weighted and sensory therapy, fiddle toys etc.

things I would do.

• keep a diary of all behaviours and moods, suspected triggers, sleep routine etc. This will help enormously when you finally see camhs. Its your evidence and a way to jog your memory.

-go back to your GP and find out if, in the meantime, they will help support you with implementing some measures in school until camhs can take over.

-find out in school if your DD can have a 'safe space' somewhere quiet she can retreat to of a lunch/break time when everything gets pretty hectic. Just eating her lunch away from the noisy canteen could really be beneficial. The school SENCO and GP can help with this. This can also help if she is the victim of bullying during these times.

• find out if anything is bothering your daughter at all. See if you can arrange a meeting with some feedback from her teachers if poss to see if a particular subject is the problem (my DC is worse on days English is taught. Better on maths days iyswim)

Kicking off in class, being disruptive etc can hint at a problem in school with learning, bullying etc. Being bollocked for her behaviour in school can lead to home outbursts as a way of pre-empting the telling off. Starting a fight is easier to manage than an unexpected one.

plus she's 13. She's probably dealing with body confidence issues, puberty, hormones racing, new school environment on top of the additional needs. Her head is probably in one hell of a mess and anger is the only way she can deal with any of it until she gets support.

at home remain calm, walk away from her rages if she is safe. If she breaks her property don't replace it. Don't even try to engage with her mid rage wait until she's calm.

A friend told me that often kids need a safe place to vent, to yell and scream and most often the safest way to do that is to our parents because no matter how much they call us an arsehole, tell us they hate us, we will still be there.

great advice here but not sure I would call the police on her. Yet!

knittingwithnettles Thu 12-May-16 12:16:02

great post

The Op must have posted now because either the violence has escalated or the behaviour is more frequent. this is why I have suggested she contact the police. this isn't a one or two off that's just happened. it is sustained. you can tell by reading her post how desperate she is.

she must not wait until there is lasting physical injury before she acts. I am as concerned about her welfare as her DD's.

OP, I have a family member going through this with a 7 year old. Once the violence started she was forced to call police and social services because she couldn't protect herself against him. Both services were very good but SS have been great. They have taken him for residentials to give her a break, got counselling, liase with the school about his behaviour etc and she now feels like she has some support. The issues are ongoing but at least now she feels like she has some support that can actually help (family members are slowly falling away because they can't cope with the severity of his issues) and get through to him and get things done, in SS.

Ok great advice thank you!

Yes she has seen Ed Psych and Salts. She does have some diagnosed sensory issues and learning difficulties.

School have given her access to a sen room at lunch and break times which has helped and limited homework.

She doesn't kick off in class and is mostly very good there.
I have however seen her behaviour slip from outstanding to good/satisfactory very recently but at parents evening they said it was minor low level stuff and mostly getting involved in others arguments or getting annoyed with others.

She doesn't like other kids at all. Definitely no bullying she just doesn't tolerate other kids or their noise.

'Primary she would've had her own peg, her own drawer, her own desk etc in secondary you are expected to move between classes, no real 'space' that is your own and many transitions through out the day'

THIS ^^ has been a massive issue

Yes the violence has become regular and sustained (four hours of kicking off, screaming abuse, lashing out, holding on to my ankles whining is not uncommon. She says horrendous stuff. She hs hit, kicked, bit and raised her hand to me. If she physically hurts me she tells me to shut up, go away, that i brought it on myself or i should shut up moaning as the mark isn't that bad.

It is exhausting.

www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour.aspx

Give the National Autistic Society a call, they run workshops for parents and will be able to advise you on getting more practical support.

Thank you. I will ring them tomorrow.

Sounds like there could be an underlying sensory issue too. Lack of tolerance of other kids could be down to this. 13 yos are noisy, hyper and often very tactile.

How is she with things like hugs or touch generally? Tastes - is she picky? Sticking to bland foods or only a safe list? Does she find shopping (clothes/food etc) hard work? And is she easily offended by smells/pick up on smells you can't?

It's not a comprehensive list but any of these could himt as a sensory difficulty.

Ok, so transitions are a major issue. What's her timetable like? Daft question I know but is it clear for her? Maybe she needs daily ones or one that is more visual with colour coding for each lesson - red maths, blue English etc maybe even something as simple as making sure her maths books have one colour that matches up with her timetable English another. It'll help with organisation too and won't look like a massive blur, calming any anxiety. Getting Senco onboard with this will help if you can.

Perhaps she needs to be allowed to leave lessons before everyone else so she move to the next class without the hell of the noisy corridor? Again I'd get onto the GP and Senco about this. You'd need their support to implement it in school.

Having her time table up at home might be helpful too. A way to prepare for the next day.

Another random question. Does she seem to calm down during the holiday too? Mine has a complete personality transplant 3 days into any school holiday. It's a glaringly obvs sign anxiety is school related.