An extraordinarily exhausted single mum

[princessbeer]

Hi mumsnetters
Posting here for traffic.
My life; I work in a stressful job with vulnerable adults 30 hrs PW.
I have a 3 year old. She's great. She deserves to spend quality time with her dad & have a mum who isn't exhausted. Properly exhausted.
I never stop.
Dd dad goes through phases of being interested in Dd.
He didn't have her for a single overnight stay Oct-March. Then he had her for 3 over nights in April but now not interested again. He works away a lot and is an actor.
He is in UK a lot tho (lives 4 miles away from us) - he will never ever instigate having her. I have to chase him. I Want to arrange mediation as I'm so bored of him ignoring me when I ask when he can have dd. My dad was never around when I was a kid.
I feel selfish saying this but recently my mental health isn't great (feel negative, very emotional) dd gets up at 6 so no lie ins (am going to bed in a minute to catch up) my phys health isn't good, I'm grumpy, angry, feel like my friends don't like me, feel pissed off with myself & lost loads of self confidence. I need a break. And some sleep.
I know I'm lucky to have a roof/job/lovely daughter but most days I feel like I might explode with tears or anger or both & it's horrible.
Because that's not me.
Aibu to just instigate mediation to get him listening to the importance of having a relationship with his daughter? She needs him & I need to have some space.
When he is around he's a Disney dad wannabe. I just feel like a washed out mess.
Any advice?
My family are miles away.

Thanks elephant
Yes jonsnow my sis is going to have her for a night next month
It's a bummer nobody lives nearby
Can't imagine moving as we love where we live & have good friends

Those Fridays sound really good!

Dc do get easier as they get older! And it'll be easier for friends to have her on occasion.

I would stop being so "easygoing" with your ex and would try mediation to seek more consistency from him for DD, but then detach if he lets DD down (again). I would stop organising things for DD and your ex's family, that's up to him and you sound very busy! If you got on with them well and think they are really good for her, however (families vary in this!), you might contact them directly and say they would be welcome to see DD if visiting the area etc.

A stressful job - any scope to change jobs for an easier one?

My nearest family member is over 5000 miles away, I very seldomly have a babysitter or other people who can take care of my child, I even remember a time when in the space of 6 months I only have a single occasion when I was't working or was with DS (a couple of hours in an afternoon) but, as you say. I wouldn't move anywhere else, this is my home. So sometimes it is just about holding there until calm is re established

Poor you...ive only been a single mum for the last 2.5 years...i have 3 teenagers....it is the hardest thing i have ever done x

Forget about mediation, that only works if he has actively wanted to have access to his child. If he doesn't, whatever is agreed in mediation would be forgotten within a few weeks. Unfortunately, when it comes to uninterested parent the phrase "you can take a horse to the water..." Does really apply.

Hugs OP.
I've been a single mum since DS was born. I'm 48 with a 3.5 year old and I've got a very stressful job in the NHS.
DS's father lives miles away so only sees him every 2 months or so. Other than that it's the 2 of us, so I sympathise!
I'm permanently knackered but I stay up late - finding head space (after a day at work and getting a 3 year old sorted and to bed) so important! If I go to bed early I don't get any 'me' time at all...
Don't know what the answer is really, but taking encouragement from PPs saying it gets easier!

Oh my god we should start a 'soul saving advice for single parents' thread. Some great thoughts & advice on here. Thanks everyone

I'm a lone parent to two children, 7 and 15. My son's father died and my daughter's father sees her once a week on a Saturday, no overnights.

I promise you things do get better!

It is harder when they're younger as they need so much more of your time and attention, but the older they get the easier it gets. Sometimes the teenage dilemmas are hard work and I end up wishing I had someone to discuss the situation with and work out answers with, but I do always manage to get through everything on my own.

My daughter didn't sleep through until she was 3 years old and it was bloody hard work, but now she sleeps a lot!

I actually enjoy being a lone parent now (I never thought I'd ever feel that way!)
I'm proud that I'm raising them by myself and doing a good job at it (even if I do say so myself!)

I think you do right to ditch the chores sometimes and have some "me time".
Everyone needs the time and space to relax and consider their own needs. It took me a long time to realise this and at first I was bombing around everywhere trying to be super mum and clean and work and never rest.

Now I have a lazy day every Saturday, where I do absolutely nothing productive all day! It recharges me and allows me to recover ready for the next busy week!

For me, a big part of it is not being able to understand my ex not wanting to be a big part of his daughter's life. She is amazing
He said to me last year that he won't have her at weekends anymore cos that's 'his time with his girlfriend'
Anyway, thanks for all the comments & advice. I'm in a cafe having lunch at the moment. Me time. And Mumsnet time

Stop trying to get him involved. Your dd is young enough to forget him. She won't miss him, on the three years she has been alive what has he actually done for her?

If he starts complaining have it dealt with formally. Contract. Set hours. Child maintenance etc.

I have in the same situation as you without a partner or parents around and my advice is to give yourself a break. You are doing a marvelous job. Grab any free time you can and don't feel guilty. It's also ok not to be do the washing up once in a while. Also it gets better once they go to school. Soon you will experience the joy of sleepovers. Hang in there.