Can't cope in mornings

[Maisy313]

I hate losing my temper with the kids but almost find it impossible not to. I live in London and have to do a 20 min walk with 2 year old and 5 year old to breakfast club at school, then try and get on a bus with pram (often too full so have to let three go by) to nursery, then another bus and a tube to work. We leave the house at 7.30am and my dh is gone at 6.30am so am I on my own for morning routine, both of them scream about getting dressed, leaving the house, not wanting to go in rain. I feel so stressed about getting to work on time. I honestly just feel like screaming at them both to shut up and leave me alone. I don't. But I do raise my voice when five year old has meltdown about brushing teeth etc. Feel like we are constantly forgetting school bags, water bottles etc etc and just feel like such a shit mum. My dh does pick ups but it is a stressful rush to get them in time and then it is really dinner, bath, story, bed, my five year old gets upset if you try and do reading books with him as he is so tired so we just read to him. The truth is they are both normally sweet, easy going kids but they are tired out. We need to work, just hate this cycle of constant rush and stress and feel like I'm failing both of them and just turning into a horrible shouty mum when I want to have time to play with them and listen to them properly.

Mornings were always the most stressful part of my day and I didn't have anywhere near as much to cope with as you.

Have you given sticker charts a try? Just for morning activities?

A cm wouldn't cost more than nursery?

I think doing two drop offs is the problem, a cm that can take the 2yo and drop the older one at school would be much easier. The cm could also take and collect the 2yo to a preschool if there is one locally. Cm would also read with them and give them a chance to relax before and after school, they could even do things like teeth and hair brushing there.

If that doesn't work then leave London

Can't offer any advice sorry, as luckily never had to cope with this...but wanted to say PLEASE don't think you're a shit mum.It sounds like a totally stressful situation, and in a way its so sad that so many people HAVE to live their lives like this because of work and financial demands. I know for certain I personally would not cope either, seriously...I'd be off work with stress!

We actually ended up downsizing because work was becoming too much of a priority and making us miserable. I live in a little 2 bed house, (not in London, no way could afford that!) run one old banger and never have holidays abroad...hardly ever have holidays away from home full stop! But we are happier now than we've ever been, it's been the best thing for us.

Ok, I know not everyone can do that, but at some point you have to step back and say 'OK- whats the most important thing here? Food on the table, roof over our heads, health and being together. Everything else is a bonus that that WE decide how much we want and WE decide how much shit we're willing to put up with to have it'.

Your post reminds me what it was like when mine were that little. I had to adjust my hours at work, I was a single parent, and I found the mornings the hardest. By having the flexibility to drop off at nursery and do the school run, I was less stressed and happier when I got to work.

After school nanny is a wonderful idea too. I started doing that when my lovely cleaner was pregnant. She stopped cleaning and started picking my son up from school two days a week. He was so much happier and relaxed when I got home. She did that for me, till her baby - who she brought with her - had to start school himself.

is there a flexible working policy at work? you could apply for flexible hours to go in say half an hour an hour earlier and stay later at end of day or work late one day to make up the extra time? assuming your job is able to be done that way.

I think the cost of 3x breakfast club and 3x after school club is a lot of money that you could put towards the cost of the nanny / CM that people have suggested.

Otherwise -I totally get the not-sleeping-as-worried thing! Get EVERYTHING ready the night before, bags packed, snacks, books, right down to complete set of clothes per child AND YOU including shoes and coats. This revolutionised my mornings. Good luck

Wow- apart from minor details your mornings sound like mine!
My husband leaves at 6am and it's chaos- I don't find it hard to cope after school or weekends/ holidays, it's literally just those school mornings.
I hate shouting but I shout more in the mornings than any other times and no matter how organised I am the night before it still always feels rushed!
So no advice but lots of and

You poor thing, it sounds awful. It's so stressful when you are rushing to get out of the house.

I have found that the only thing that works for us is to get up a lot earlier (I get up 40 minutes earlier than I did, and get the DC up twenty minutes earlier than I did), allow more time for everything, and leave the house 10 minutes earlier than we actually need to.

It effected a huge transformation when I did it (I felt it was counter-intuitive, because my DC were tired too, so I felt they needed more sleep, not to get up earlier) - DC now get themselves dressed happily, there is no stress, no screaming, and it actually takes them so much less time to get ready than it did when we were all rushing round getting stressed that we often have time to sit down and read a story together before leaving. We had screaming and shouting before, half-eaten breakfasts being abandoned, arguments about getting dressed, we kept forgetting stuff.

Now we have serene mornings and leisurely strolls to school, it has been 100% worth missing out on that little bit of sleep. Don't know it it would work for you too, but hope you find something that does.

I agree with the others - be kind to yourself. It sounds incredibly, incredibly stressful. I have (at various times) stayed at home to look after the kids, done breakfast club/ nursery drop offs plus mad dash to work, and now have an au pair... DH works long hours and travels a lot so can only do the odd morning. Whatever way I've done it there have been stresses in the morning and yours sounds doubly hard. I think if there's a way to get a CM and/ or start later that might be easier for all of you. Not sure there's an easy solution but wanted you to know that you are NOT a shit mum you sound like you're doing everything humanly possible! XXX

1. Get all bags packed and sorted after dinner before you go to bed (after DCs are in bed unless DC5 can "help").

1. Get yourself up and dressed and ready before waking either DC.

1. Leave out clothes the night before for DC5.

1. Pack clothes for DC2 into bag and ask nursery to dress him.

1. Wake 1 first, deal with them, then get the 2nd up. First is decided by who is easiest to sort, and who will sit quietly somewhere (eating banana, reading book, watching tv....) while you deal with 2nd.

1. Look at what foods they might eat on the walk/bus. So just get them dressed and clean to leave the house.

1. Look at what else you could do (as a follow on, once mornings are sorted) to make evenings easier - bulk cooking dinners to freeze, so you're only reheating sauce and cooking rice/pasta (can mostly ignore pots in favour of giving attention to DCs), prepping food the night before once DCs are in bed to just turn on pots/pans and cook (no peeling/slicing etc to do), or setting the oven with things that can be ready as you arrive in home (lasagna, cottage pie, fish pie, mini roasts) etc.

1. If DC5 has homework to do, concentrate on that as soon as you get in, if you can, rather than leaving it til later when even more tired. And some nights, just abandon and catch up over the weekend or other "good" nights instead - teachers generally understand once the work is actually done and there is a reasonable pattern of doing it.

Mornings can be hard with little ones, OP. It does get easier.

To cheer you up:

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/mum-sets-new-record-for-losing-her-shit-on-school-run-20150925102309

I have this - one DS age 6 though, and a car journey to breakfast club but DH has gone by 6.20 and we have to be out at 7.30.

It helps for us to get as much done the night before as I can - DS and I both have a shower at night to cut down stuff to do in the morning and clothes for both of us are laid out with bags and shoes by the door at night as well. I race DS to see which of us can get dressed fastest or put shoes on, and I wouldn't rule out a sticker chart for your 5 year old to get teeth brushed well and into shoes and coat. Also consider putting bowls, cups and spoons out the night before - DH looks at me like I'm mental when I put cabbage on the side at night for the guinea pigs the next morning but all these little things eat into your time.

Work out what you can leave if you need to - my DS prefers reading in a morning as he's less tired but it gives if we need it to.

Can you ask your 5 year old to count buses or taxis as you're walking along, or to use a baby carrier rather than a pram to get you onto the first bus rather than the 4th?

Big hugs as it can be hugely stressful. If you want to scream, start singing instead. Strangers will think you're barmy but the kids might join in.

Maybe one of you could go down to a 4 day week? It would give you one day where kids don't have to attend nursery and one at school can come home at a normal time. You could spend some quality time with your kids and catch up on stuff at home. Kids may be less tired if they have one day in the middle of week where they are not rushing around. Even though it is one day without being paid, it is also one day of no childcare or transport cost. My friend does this and it is the only thing keeping her sane - she works in London but only has 2 children.

Second the backpack suggestion. For work travel (trains) I bought a school/student rucksack with a laptop section. I'v since had a third baby and it's also great as a changing bag and fitting in plenty of stuff for the older two. It's this one, or very like it. www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00WNXXBLM/ref=twister_B00K8X80J2

Oh, and scrap the daily bath. Every 3ish days is plenty and tbh reading is more important. Mine shower or bathe roughly every other day at 10 and 8 and the baby has a bath a couple of times a week.
Dh and I have our (daily!) shower in the evenings.

Its tough. I think you need to cut back on their first breakfast. I only give mine milk and they eat well at nursery.

Get DH to set out milk in their cups and maybe cut up some bananas before he leaves. One eats and drinks whilst the other is getting dresses and vice versa.

I agree it is madness to miss a bus with a 2 yo. New buggy asap.

I meant to add a handhold too.

DH and I work FT, DH travels a LOT internationally, (I don't at the moment but expect to be back to it this September), no family locally, and only 1 DC but has ASD/ADHD so challenging. Our lives only work because we are ruthlessly organized, and when DH started 1 particular project meaning 2 consecutive weeks away every month, we got an au pair (for 3.5 years) and since then have a CM come in for an hour in the mornings (so we both leave for work, DC might be up but CM gets her up if need be, and gets her to school).

The bit someone else said about losing more sleep by getting up earlier - is actually true. By knowing you have more time, it does take pressure off and things are a lot less stressy.

And I use a backpack for my commute, DD has always had a backpack for her gear in crèche and now school, (we commuted into city centre on public transport for 4 years), it is a lot easier to deal with. There are some surprisingly stylish "laptop bags" for ladies now, that are quite smart for offices rather than just the more casual/adventure style ones.

What about an au pair? Do you have the room? That would solve all morning and evening issues plus get you some babysitting. Cost is around 100 per week.

I use a black laptop rucksac that was from Argos for my work stuff as I have a huge laptop and like lots of pockets for all the bits. Much easier to carry round, and I have a tiny handbag which goes inside for using in the day.

I have a whiteboard in the kitchen that everything goes on, so bags are packed the night before. And I'm a big fan of Boffinmums 'box of last resort' with spare socks, tie, tights, change etc so if you really can't find things you have a backup.

Could the children have a hot lunch at school/nursery so you don't have to do dinner for them beyond soup/beans/omelette?

I agree about the bath. It didn't ever really relax them as babies, as it is supposed to so I bathed them whenever, and certainly not every day. They were clean and tidy despite this.

We get up extremely early, and have a rigid routine.

Me up, dressed, washed, coffee.
DD up, starts dressing.
DS up.
Make breakfast.
DD eats breakfast, I help DS get dressed.
DS and I eat breakfast, DD gets washed.
I help DS get washed.
TV and Minecraft.
DS toilet.
DD toilet.
Coats.
Grab bags, out the door.

It's mostly stress-free!

I second the 'getting up earlier' idea. I do that - not sure why I didn't suggest that! I get up at 6.15. that's an entire hour or so before the kids. I come downstairs, feed myself, bung clothes in w/m, unload dw (or the other way round). gives me half an hour to look at emails, delete those that are pointless, answer those that are easy. I also make the packed lunches/fruit snacks then (I have friends who make packed lunches on the weekend and bung them in the freezer and take them out daily).

7.30am, I wake them up. we leave for school at 8.20. previously when one was in nursery, then I get one to nursery and dh gets the other to school.

Yes mornings suck. Our DS4 is always faffing about and a few times a week kicking up a stink about something.

I always try to get everything ready the night before.
To get them out of bed, each morning they take turns to select a dance video (Dance Revolution for Kids type of thing) and we dance to it. Sort of a morning exercise thing.

The recommended thing is to take the time on a weekend to talk about the routine.

You get a bunch of postcard sizes pieces of paper
Ask them what you all have to do in the morning - draw/write each step down (you draw and/or the kids)
Ask them to put them in order. 'What do we do first? And then what?...'
Then you post them on the wall, door, somewhere in easy sight.
Then, in the morning, instead of yelling telling them what to do, you say e.g. 'What should we do after getting dressed?' and (in an ideal world) one will shoot off to the pictures to check and run back excited to say 'Eat Breakfast' (or whatever).
In practice, they still faff about, but it does help all the same.