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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DD's doctor shouldn't have told her that she needs to lose weight?

59 replies

Shorter12 · 10/05/2016 21:26

DD is 10; she is currently fighting AML - she is responding really well to treatment Smile

She has to get many blood tests/have lots of chemo, but as an out-patient (currently)...

She has to have her height and weight checked, amongst other things, before she gets it - she has just made it into the 'overweight' section. Maybe due to lack of exercise and me getting her anything she wants - I admit, it's all my fault, but when your child has cancer and you don't know their life outcome, you do absolutely anything you can to keep a smile on their face. She enjoys ice-cream, lots of it! It helps her dry and blistered mouth (so has 3 scoops through chemo) and then she picks a restaurant of her choice; she also cannot do much exercise. I get it, it's awful of me, but she's bloody happy and never goes without smiling and right now, that's all that matters.

She doesn't look overweight... She has only just touched it though, so isn't exactly noticeable.

Anyway, her doctor just decides to go "so, (DD's name) you seem to have put on weight" and taps her tummy, like WTF Hmm

She looks at me; she didn't laugh along either. He then says how she needs to come back down in weight, etc. etc.

So, I've now had a crying 10 year old, telling me how she is no longer pretty - I've spend so long trying to get her to believe she is beautiful without hair (which I think I have finally achieved) and now this! Nothing like knocking a little girl's, who is going through so much, confidence.

AIBU to think she should have just mentioned it to me, if he was going to mention it?

Fuming Angry

OP posts:
Mummyme1987 · 10/05/2016 22:34

I sometimes think Drs don't think before they speak. We have had some very upsetting things said very flippantly.

GigiB · 10/05/2016 22:34

It was totally tactless, but there's bound to be a medical reason behind it. Doctor should have told you on the side. I'd be tempted to ring the surgery/hospital and ask if it will increase chemo effectiveness.. and if that was what doc was driving at just to double check how seriously you should take it. ie was it just an ill timed comment or is it having a medical impact that you as a non medical person needs explaining..

Mummyme1987 · 10/05/2016 22:34

Huge hugs for you both xxxx

ootsideinbacktaefront · 10/05/2016 22:36

I would actually have killed him, Flowers

cakedup · 10/05/2016 22:37

I actually cried reading that. What an irrelevant and thoughtless thing to say to a little girl who has gone through so much. And poor you too Shorter12 how awful for you to see your dd upset like this.

Was this her oncologist? I remember my oncologist upsetting me more than once, he made me feel really bad for breastfeeding (I had previously had breast cancer and didn't realise that it could be a trigger).

Is there a chance you could get to see another doctor? One you could get in touch with beforehand, explain the situation, have them on board? Then go in for an appointment with DD and let them reassure your DD?

And of course it's not awful of you, to 'spoil' DD a bit during treatment (if you can even call it 'spoil') don't ever think that. You sound like a fantastic mum.

2Creamteas · 10/05/2016 22:37

Your Dr is a comp!ete tosser! Mine is as well, I was offered a free gym membership because Im 11 St 9 llb and I'm 5 ft 6.😉 Complete waste of tax payers money, just because I don't fit on their charts.
My daughter received a letter from the school nurse, they said she was over weight. She was in yr 5 at the time. I never even told her, just threw in the bin. She's slimmed out nicely now , walks a fair distance to school every day. Don't worry, ignore it, keep doing what you're doing your doing a fab job.

Fwaffy · 10/05/2016 22:38

Oh God, your poor DD.

Can you tell her something along the lines that her body needs a bit of extra food as energy to put into fighting off the cancer and that once it's gone her body will get rid of anything extra? You may need to put a scientific gloss on this to help her feel better.

What a terrible thing to have said though. Really. Bloody hell.

Flowers for your lovely DD and you.

DoinItFine · 10/05/2016 22:40

Oh my God

I just can't believe that.

I was already a YANBU when you said she was 10.

But she has cancer?

I can't even. What kind of a person could say that to a sick kid going through chemo??

Also, isn't it better to be gaining than losing weight during chemo?

My Dad's dietician was so insistent that he had to maintain or gain weight at all costs.

And my Dad was definitely overweight.

I'm so sorry that happened to your little girl :(

I'm also a bit furious for you because you should NOT feel guilty for your decisions to do what you could to help her through.

:( :(

EskiVodkaCranberry · 10/05/2016 22:42

You sound like a lovely mum Flowers

VimFuego101 · 10/05/2016 22:46

If she's taking steroids that will definitely cause weight gain. I'm sure there are other meds which will cause weight gain as part of a cancer treatment regime too. Not to mention that food may taste strange as chemo can cause a metallic taste in your mouth - surely it's better that she eats whatever she can stomach, to keep her strength up? Even if she is a little overweight, he shouldn't have said it to her directly, or in the insensitive way that he did. I hope you complain Angry

Drivingqueen123 · 10/05/2016 22:48

I'm livid for you. Especially with the ongoing trauma of treatment and her hair.

You sound like a wonderful mother.

That doctor needs to be given a strongly worded talking to. He's utterly insensitive, and clearly has no filter.

bluecarpet · 10/05/2016 22:51

I'm a GP, and that was terrible. Even without all the things that have been going on, I'd never talk to a mildly heavy 10 ear old like that! At that age you give parents the advice and hope they can grow into their weight. Obviously different if morbidly obese or neglect issues.

Tapped her tummy?! WTF?! Please complain.

Paddletonio · 10/05/2016 22:54

What an absolute fucking arse

Livid on your dds behalf

JustABigBearAlan · 10/05/2016 22:56

Your poor little dd. That has actually made me cry. I can't believe anyone can be so unkind and insensitive to a child who has already gone through so much.

Of course you'd give her little treats, ice cream - anything to get her through chemo.

Would you have a chance to speak to the doctor again, without your daughter present? I'm normally very non-confrontational, but in this case I'd want to tell him how his words had upset my child. At least that way he might think in future before upsetting other families.

Original poster
Shorter12 · 10/05/2016 22:56

Thank you all so much!

She isn't taking steroids - I remember when she did and that causes swelling.

I think it is down to her food intake and exercise... However, why shouldn't she eat what she wants!? I am pretty sure there is no 'health reason' Hmm it is obviously just because being 'overweight' isn't healthy. However, she really doesn't seem overweight and even if she did, she is going through enough, without the comments.

OP posts:
zoemaguire · 10/05/2016 23:17

That is appalling, please complain. Apart from anything else, it sounds like a load of bollocks from a medical point of view. My DM ended up losing 30kg after a bm transplant for AML. If she hadn't been fairly overweight to start with, she definitely wouldn't be still with us. Nobody ever mentioned anything to her except trying to ingest as many calories as she possibly could. In her situation, fat reserves are good!

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 10/05/2016 23:24

Please do complain - doctor was an insensitive twat in what he said, plus touching a patient like that, how the fuck is that ok?!

I bet your daughter looks gorgeous, and if she can smile while coping with chemo, she's doubly amazing!

Blossom591 · 10/05/2016 23:28

Oh no poor dd that's awful so sorry you're both going through this Flowers
Play it down as much as you can, when she's better she'll burn it off (if she even needs to)

Blossom591 · 10/05/2016 23:29

Ds consultant is so insensitive, tries to make 'jokes' about shaving his head, mummy has said its ok etc Angry makes me flipping mad!

Blossom591 · 10/05/2016 23:31

But now we play s game of 'what silly joke is dr x going to come up with this time' & give eachother a knowing look

Northernlurker · 10/05/2016 23:32

Please complain. He was insensitive and that needs pointing out. He's also wrong. As others have said, for cancer patients the struggle is usually to keep their weight up enough. What she's gained now will stand her in good stead if she gets an infection and is unwell and struggling to eat.

LucasT · 11/05/2016 10:33

That's awful.

dowhatnow · 11/05/2016 10:41

I had just been given the all clear from cancer and after his operation 12yr old ds's doctor wanted to tell him that he was more at risk of a certain cancer and that he should be extra vigilant when he was older. I asked him not to tell him that and that I would ensure this message was given to him later when it wasn't such an emotive subject. He was told anyway Angry

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 11/05/2016 11:08

How awful. Its well documented children going through chemo will not only lose weight but gain at certain stages Steroids making their appetite monsterous, like you said preference for more calorific foods due to sore mouth, chemo altering taste buds. And of course kids feel comforted eating something they enjoy and whilst fighting cancer why the fuck would any parent deny their child this? I say this as an NHS HCP who doesnt advocate complaining often but PLEASE complain about this disgusting doctor.

Mamadothehump · 11/05/2016 11:45

As others have already confirmed - he is a complete and utter arse. I'm sure your daughter is beautiful and it sounds like she is doing so well Flowers to you both