Contact with DC

[rockabillyruby82]

Hey all, I'll try and be brief. Split with STBXH in September. I was working nights at the time and was willing to cut out my midweek nights but ex said he was happy to have DS1 so I could work. At the time I was 18 weeks pregnant, shocked, upset and worried about living on my own so I agreed.
It's now 7 months later and this arrangement is still in place. He expects to have DS2 for the same nights. The midweek nights have become a problem though. Ex doesn't collect DS1 until 6-6.30pm. At this time he will have normally had tea and be chilling out before bath and bed. But if he's going to his dads he is having tea late and going to bed late and the following day he is knackered! I've tried to talk to ex about it and he just dismisses me and gets annoyed. I want to cut out the midweek nights completely and I've offered for ex to visit the boys in the week if he wants.
AIBU?

You are not taking his children away from him - he chose that when he had an affair.

This sounds like a really difficult and heartbreaking situation. Other MNetters have better advice than me, and I hope mediation helps. Haven't got much advice myself other than it seems to be a good idea to send an email so it's written, and clearly explain what the issues are. Make sure you're really clear what you want to happen - is it a different amount of contact, or different rules when DS1 is there, or no overnights for DS2, etc.

I understand that too. My ex is also very controlling (he got the house because he managed to convince me he deserved it - and then moved the OW straight in!). Its a horrible feeling, especially when all you want to do is move on and forget him.

You can't though. And your son wouldn't want that. If he's a crap dad, your son will discover it in his own time. He neither needs or wants you to be telling him. He's got you 8 nights a fortnight to care for him and do all the things you think need to be done. He'll be fine.

You are not taking his children away from him - he chose that when he had an affair.

Don't understand this outlook either. My ex cheating on me didn't give me more rights to the children than he has. I'll never forgive him for destroying what could have been an intact family unit but it doesn't mean he gave anything up in terms of how he parents the children or how much he should get to see them.

A family court is unlikely to support children spending every weekend with one parent, unless one parent works every weekend. Look on your arrangements over a two week rota, and see how you can both fit in quality time with your children. Avoid court, it is emotionally draining and expensive. Courts are adversarial. No one gets what they want 100 per cent and it will damage you relationship with their dad. Both of you should download a Parenting Plan booklet from the Cafcass website, and use it as the basis of your mediation.

Agree that an hour later is no big deal - I was thinking of midnight, 1 am type late. That's more different parenting styles, really - he isn't going to parent as you do, and that's okay (breakfast missing isn't, but PJs and bed an hour later isn't really relevant).

I think you need to sit down and consider what is best from the perspective of the kids. Ignore your ex being an arse, just focus on the hope that they leave home with close and loving bonds with both parents and one another, and then try to set out time with you both that would help with that.

It's really hard, agreed. But you can do it. You both love the kids - tbh statistically most women post-split have the opposite problem, fathers who can't be arsed with much contact - it's actually good that he does care and does want to be hands-on. You just need to work out a way that makes that practical for all four of you.

Fourormore I wasn't talking about rights to access - I was responding to something OP had said. What I mean is that by having an affair he put himself first rather than his partner and children. He did something to break up the family unit so of course he'll have less time with his kids than if he hadn't done that at all and was still at home. Not sure I've made sense sorry.

He doesn't have him every night in the week. He has him 1 night one week and 2 the other. He also has him every weekend (it's split). So he has him 6 nights a fortnight.

Okay, tbh that sounds a reasonable split of time. I don't see that reducing it will do the children any favours, tbh. It's not enough to harm their routines to a damaging extent, but it will sustain close ties to their Dad.

He does sound a colossal arse - please don't think I disagree on that. But the reality is that he's their dad, and he needs to spend good quality time with them. It's infuriating having to pick up the slack from someone else's lazy parenting, but that's the father they have, unfortunately.

Damage my relationship with their dad? Erm...it kinda got damaged when he was having another woman in my home, in my bed whilst I was pregnant and at work. That's irreparable I'm afraid. I keep civil though, for my children.

The trouble is these men expect to carry on as though they are still married with the woman doing them favours. Well sorry it's a no from me all that went out the window when they split the family up

If you give your ex much more, he'll end up getting maintenance from you. If a pp was right, you'll be feeding ds tea, and he'll just spend the night with daddy and then you'll give him breakfast and he will have that listed as his time when maintenance costs are divided up. On the plus side, by the time ds gets to school, his bed time will be half an hour or so later and you will probably be able to adjust his sleep pattern in general to accommodate this and make life easier.