Re DH's Hobby?

[joggingfrog]

I have lurked for ages and have just decided to create an account to ask this question. Will try to keep it short as I might be making a mountain out of a molehill!

DH and I (2 young DCs) both have hobbies which are independant of one another and I believe this is a good thing. However, he plays golf and I find this in particular is a constant source of arguments and resentment during the 'golfing session'.

The problem I have is that he is gone for 5 hours one day every weekend (both working Mon to Fri). It makes it hard for me to fit in the things I like and need to do at the weekend (my hobby, supermarket shopping and spending time together as a family - plus all obligations like family and kids parties). Last weekend he was away overnight with another sport he does and I felt thought he should cancel this week's round (I would have done this without hesitation).

He says he works hard and deserves it and I agree. It's just that I feel like it is me who is juggling everyone's social life and trying always to be fair, yet he only thinks about his own.

Last week he forgot to pick up the DC because I decided not to phone and remind him for the first time ever - I thought he would remember. He was at the gym!

I feel guilty when I go to the hairdressers, yet he happily goes away twice that time every weekend.

If I did want to do something alone for several hours one weekend I couldnt because I would feel the DC would be being doubley cheated IYSWIM.

He is a good husband and helps, but I feel the stress is really on me to know what needs done and when. I feel like we aren't necessarily his first thought even though I know he loves us and it makes me sad.

Sorry that this turned out long and rambling!! I guess I just need someone to listen and tell me to shake myself out of it!

I know I may be on a completely different page from a lot of posters but if I am being totally honest I think that if both of you work full time - 4 or 5 days a week - then really the weekend should be about family time with the children not about "me" time for the adults.

I am not saying that people should sacrifice themselves on the alter of having kids but this idea that you can work all week and have 5 or 6 hours each at the weekend me time just isn't for me.

time on your own is important but cant this happen from 7 or 8pm when they are in bed each night? 3 or 4 hours to pursue whatever hobby you want over 5 nights?

it might work ok whilst dc are little but when they get older and want ferrying to their own weekend hobbies you end up seeing less and less of them.

Well I kinda feel that way mummymeister and that's why I choose not to have my hobbies and to change my working life to spend more time at home with the family. But dh has had his hobby since he was a boy, and does it with his friends and his dad, it's very important to him, so I wouldn't ask him to give it up. We each have 1 day a week with dd and then 1 day is family time. If he chooses to spend some of his days doing his hobby, or go away for a weekend I'm ok with it, because it's important for him, and he is important to our family.

mummymeister I agree completely. This is why I feel guilty going to the hairdresser on Saturday for example.

My earlier point about not being able to go out 5 hours too at weekend was more meant; I wouldn't go out for hpurs every weekend to prove a point because it would just make the situation much worse.

An hour or 2 to do something himself would be easy to work around, but the whole day just feels too much and too selfish. That's why I am sad. I want him to want to hang out with us.

But there are limits to how much stuff can all be done as a family. Family time also means time for the members of the family for me. If you need a couple of hours to go to the hairdresser once every 6 weeks you really shouldn't feel guilty about that.

If you have a morning a week as free time and he gets saturday afternoons, it sounds like you both have roughly equal free time? Couldn't you get your hair cut on the morning you have off? If a marriage is going to go the distance, both people need time to themselves.

I don't think either person having 5 hours to themselves in the course of a whole week is unreasonable. It seems unreasonable if you have a morning once a week to yourself as me-time, but your husband isn't allowed a similar amount of me-time. its just that, because he is working full-time, his me-time has to be at the weekend. Or maybe he should drop down to four days a week and have a me-time day during the week instead (not being facetious - I don't see why all men should feel the pressure of being full-time).

as I said, I don't believe that parents should sacrifice themselves on the altar of their children. I have hobbies - I go to exercise class once a week in the evening and I have a social hobby one evening a week. but weekends are when we do things as a family. and yes, this can mean going shopping or going to the hairdresser etc.

time to yourself doesn't have to be on a Saturday and sunday when these are the only 2 days that kids don't go to school.

I think the issue here is the sheer length of time. the op says 5 hours but does this include a lie in on Saturday then the time to travel there and back and then the time spent being tired after 5 hours on a golf course. my experience with this is what the OP is actually talking about is a whole day on a hobby. 50% of the weekend, the only time the kids aren't in school isn't really on imo.

To an extent though it does depend on the hobby. Dh works mon-fri. Home at half 6. He will sometimes do some tinkering at home during the week, but mostly it involves being outside and going to organised events Which are on the weekend. For op, his hobby is pretty hard to fit into an evening after work. He could only go to driving range, he couldn't do a full game. But maybe there's a compromise, that he does alternate driving range and full game?

Thank you all for your replies!

I am going to chat to him this evening calmly about it. I need to accept that he will be apending some time playing golf. Maybe he can compromise and not pkay every weekend.

Thanks again for all your advice :)

My dad had a serious hobby when i was growing up that had him out of the house every evening and during season, every weekend. It involved overnights too.

The difference is my mum made no adjustments to her job or own lifestyle to allow his hobby to take precedence. How did he manage all this time away from home? He took us with him. From i was 12 weeks old (when mum went back to work) i was packed up with my nappy bag and went along with him to the stables, to the riding centre, to the fields, to the vets, to the tack shop, to the events and shows. And my sister when she came along 17 months after me was just slotted in beside me. If he hadnt taken us he wouldnt have been able to do his hobby because no way in hell was my mum going to give up her lifestyle to put his hobby first. Sure it was probably odd seeing this guy with a toddler and newborn sitting on a tackbox while he saddled up his horse but who cares? He got to do his hobby, we got to spend the majority of our time outside in the fresh air meeting lots of different people and learning fantastic skills and safety around horses and large vehicles.

If your DH intends to keep up his hobby, then he needs to integrate his children into it. Maybe he chose the wrong hobby for a parent to have if thats not possible.