To let mey10yo son do these things

[tangerino]

My DS is 10 and quite sensible and reliable (for a 10yo boy )

We've been having various debates about what he should be allowed to do v what his friends are allowed to do- I can't work out whether I'm being over-protective or incredibly negligent and everyone seems to have completely different intuitions on the matter- I have a friend who won't let her 15yo walk 10 mins home from school, for example.

Obviously there are lots of factors that affect one's judgements on this sort of stuff, but just roughly, at what age would you let a sensible child do the following-

• go to the shops alone (5 mins walk, one quiet road to cross)
• stay home alone while you eg pop out to the shops for 10 mins
• stay home alone while you go out for longer (eg 30 mins to pick my DH up)
• walk to school (30 mins, one big road to cross but there is a zebra crossing)

If it makes any difference, we live in London but in a fairly leafy, non-edgy bit.

Thanks, everyone. That's really helpful.

Wotoodoo, that sounds idyllic. my childhood was much more like that than my son's is. It's the amount of traffic that really worries me.

Yes to all of those when DS was ten. Frequently :) Quite often now he's eleven he doesn't want to come in family days out so stays home. He is very responsible and knows how to use a phone (too much sometimes, four calls in two hours last week to ask if he could have a snack etc) and I don't worry about him at all :)

Yes to all of OP's list. My DS aged 10 comes home with a key four days a week at 3.30pm; no adults home until 5.30-6pm although older siblings (14 & 12) are usually home. He phones me at work if he wants/needs something.

He is also allowed to walk to the park, call round for friends, usually I just give him a deadline for coming home and all is good.

He likes the freedom and flexibility. Sometimes he is still playing in the park when I get home from work.

I have a sensible 10yo DS.

I would theoretically let him do all these things (although in our case the walk to school isn't practical (40 mins, country roads with no pavements, and I'm taking his younger siblings anyway).

I grew up in London and walked to school (approx. 30 mins) without a parent at that age.

My 9 year old does all those things. He is very pleased with himself that he can now go to the library on his own, or I can send him to the shops to pick up some veg.

7,7,9,10

Ok I would fine for all but the third..leaving for over half an hour.

Before allowing that I would want my child to know how to react in different circumstances. For example what happens if there is a fire, what happens if someone comes to the door, what to do/ who to contact if they feel in danger.

It may seem a stretch of imagination, but my next door neighbour got in all kinds of trouble after leaving her eleven year old daughter at home alone. She went to b&q to buy paint for their lounge and her daughter didn't want to go. She was living in an upstairs flat at the time and whilst she was out the flat underneath hers went on fire. Her daughter was terrified and didn't know what to do. Thankfully the fire brigade rescued her although social services were called. They were not happy with my neighbour and she was charged with neglect. Her daughter was also put on an at risk register. She was on this register for several years, only coming off it when her daughter was 14.

So I would be reluctant to leave my child for that length of time unless they knew what to do in an emergency. I would be happier doing this around about the age of 14/15.

Very sorry to hijack but I have a related incident that I'd like a few thoughts on.

My 8yo dd likes to run into Little on her own to get bread etc. I wait in the car in the car park outside. All safe etc.

This week she went in to buy some fruit for school. I gave her a tenner. She spent £1.80 and came out with £1.80 change instead of £8.20. Very clear that they'd given her the wrong amount. When I went in to query and after they counted up their tills and confirmed that a mistake had indeed been made, they then said it was my fault because I shouldn't have let her do the shopping.

Now, am I wrong to let her go in for a maximum of 3 items or not? She loves doing it and has had no problem up till now.

Again sorry for the hijack but it wasn't worth starting a whole thread about.

Shelagh that's rubbish.

DS2 (11) went to Tesco Express recently whilst I waited in the car outside (he was buying a snack for himself). He came out and I asked for the change, at which he looked horrified and said he'd forgotten it!

He went back inside and the man behind the counter gave it to him, saying they had tried to call him back but he had run off too quickly concentrating on snack.

Take your DD elsewhere - how are DC's supposed to learn otherwise?

(Rubbish service and excuse I meant, not that your post was rubbish )

I have 3 kids dd1 is 14 ds is 10 and dd2 is 6. I let my 10yo son out to the shops and to walk (across the road, literally ) to school. I leave him in the house on his own for up to an hour and if I'm going to be longer he has to stay with my 14yo dd. I don't let him go to the shops on his own either with friends or a family member.

My 14yo dd does pretty much everything on your list she goes out with her friends for hours, walks the dog with younger sis for hours. She has alot of freedom.

6yo dd is aloud to walk to her friends house with big sis and go out places with her. Same with ds, they are aloud out with their sis if it's for a long period of time, far away etc. I walk her to school (after ds has gone because I'm too embarrassing apparently ) she's not really aloud much places on her own.

They all go down to the park on their own but dd2 must be with me or either older ds or dd.

Freedom is key with kids, obviously don't just let them roam for hours on end with no clue where they are lol, they need to have some responsibility. But you have to be in control. Your list is perfect for your ds. Mine go out more because we live in a friendly little village with school, park, shops etc.

All those things you listed yanbu, it is down to indivdual child's indpenedance and safety/common sense skills and you are the judge of that for your son.

I was left alone from age 8 for hours on end and let loose on the streets with no one knowing where I went and no mobile.
Walked the 20 mins to/from school every morning etc,About 17 yrs ago now can't say the streets were 100% safe but I survived

My daughter is only 8 but logically they all seem fine to me. I would perhaps do the walking to school in stages I. E. He walks ahead and you tail him (with him knowing of course) to make sure he copes ok and then let him do half and then the whole way just to ensure he is confident.

My nine year old , ten in September , does all those except being home alone but only because her 12 year old brother is with her if I nip to the shop , or dh leaves them both to come & collect me from work

DD is 10 and I let her do all of the above, even though she is daft!

DS is nearly 10 and will be doing all these things shortly and has done some already with his sister.

Mummyto2monkeys - I was probably 8 or 9 when I was first left home alone for an hour, I had chickenpox. I remember well the list of instructions I was given - don't answer the door, if the phone rings don't say you're alone, say mummy is in the shower and so on. Then I was left with a blanket on the settee. Loved it, never had any problems. Mind you all you had to do to keep me in one place and out of trouble was sit me down with a book!

All those things, a neurotypical 10 year old should be doing I think, assuming they're OK with it.

Shelagh - dodgy staff trying to short-change a child for their own gain is nothing new. It happened to my friend and me in the 1980s. Horrid experience but not her fault, or yours, at all.