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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to try and make my relationship work?

13 replies

lovelyandnormal · 06/05/2016 17:47

I met my partner nearly two years ago. I'd recently been bereaved, and he was incredibly supportive. We had some lovely times together (I hadn't had a long term relationship beforehand) and I was happy.

In September, I started a new job. I am a teacher, and it was a promoted position into senior management (had previously been HOD.) Unfortunately, it was a bad move. I left at Christmas, and have been working at a school as a 'normal' teacher since.

My partner made it clear he disapproved of me leaving my job, but was happy when I started applying for other equivalent positions, but I think I realised at that point my heart wasn't in it and I started researching something else and I am really happy and passionate about it. However, he was really lukewarm. Then we had other problems and ended up arguing and called time on the relationship.

My friends think he's treated me really badly.

However I am conscious I am 35 at the end of this month, and I do want children and to get married, but that seems such a bad reason to get back together - but I do really care about him.

I'm really confused and worried and wondered what advice, if any, anyone might have?

OP posts:
Vixxfacee · 06/05/2016 19:30

Don't settle for less because of what you think about your age!

Iflyaway · 06/05/2016 19:35

My partner made it clear he disapproved of me leaving my job

Not the kind of man you would want to be starting a family with.

He should be behind you if you want to quit a job that makes you unhappy.

He sounds controlling.

teafortoads · 06/05/2016 20:02

You can start a family on your own quite easily in this day and age so please don't shackle yourself to someone you only feel luke warm about.

Original poster
lovelyandnormal · 06/05/2016 20:02

Thank you for replying!

I don't know if he is controlling or if perhaps I should have consulted him more.

I know my age shouldn't come into it, but I am worried about missing the boat with regard to starting a family Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelyandnormal · 06/05/2016 21:11

Don't suppose anyone has some other words of wisdom?

OP posts:
gingergenie · 06/05/2016 21:18

As others have mentioned, there are ways of becoming a mother. I 'settled' - had first aged 32, then two more (last at 39). Marriage ultimately failed because I was lukewarm. Never settle x

MistressDeeCee · 06/05/2016 21:18

You made the right decision. It isn't for him to judge you on your work position - work takes up a lot of your life and its best when it fulfills you, and you aren't dreading going into work. Its about you being happy - surely thats more important. Id be really concerned about a partner who couldn't see that. I do understand how you feel re your age and wanting children, but that can still happen. Not with this man, though. Having children interrupts your career and you don't want to be with someone who lays so much stock on your career position being "right" for him, but not you. What would he be like re. you possibly not working for a while? Life is too short to be with someone judgmental and non-understanding, just for the sake of it. Have faith you will find someone better suited to you, someone who will see there is a lot more to you than a senior career, and will appreciate you fully for who you are. Well done on your work decision by the way, brave of you to "downsize" rather than stress out over something that isn't right for you

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 06/05/2016 21:21

He sounds really unsupportive. That is NOT the kind of person you want to start a family with. You broke up for a reason - it wasn't working. Getting back together is going to have the same outcome. You're bound to still have feelings for him, but that still doesn't mean it will work out.

If you get back together, you're likely to be just wasting more time, as you'll be papering over the cracks, and then you'll be in the same situation you're in now, just older again.

35 is still young enough to meet someone! I'd all but given up, but have been dating someone amazing for 6 months, for the first time in my life I feel like I could actually be with him for a very long time. I'm 35 too.

timelytess · 06/05/2016 21:21

You've done everything right so far. Don't go back. Get out there and meet more men.

Original poster
lovelyandnormal · 06/05/2016 21:22

I don't think having a baby alone is right for me, I would feel really unhappy going through pregnancy and birth alone.

I haven't exactly downsized my career, more moving it in a different direction :)

OP posts:
Tiopyn · 06/05/2016 21:26

You need to base your decision to get back with him on him only, not your age or wanting to start a family.
Do you miss him? Still care for him? Feel you both can and want to make your relationship work for its own sake? Then have a good think about whether he is right for you, and feel free to go for it.
But don't get back so you can have a family, or rush into having a baby even if you do want to make things work. It won't be fair on you, your partner or the child. (Think band-aid baby).

As others have said there are other options if it comes to it. But you need to make sure you are making the right decision, and will be happy.

Tiopyn · 06/05/2016 21:29

Meant to also say that I can't comment on whether you should get back with him other than how you feel after having a think.
I don't feel his behaviour as described automatically qualifies for a definite LTB.

Original poster
lovelyandnormal · 06/05/2016 21:34

Thank you :)

I miss him, but not feeling like I couldn't do anything right.

OP posts:
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