To want to ask DH not to stay over

[timeforheroes]

DH's sibling is hosting their birthday do in a city centre bar a couple of hours drive away. We as a family (DH, myself and our young children who are all pre-school age) were all invited, I didn't like the idea of taking them to a bar anyway but as things unfolded it turned out they have no baby facilities and it coincides with a football match, meaning I had a genuine reason to say I didn't want them there.

So DH said he would go alone, my MiL offered to have the children (being nearly 70 she isn't exactly enamoured with the idea of going to a bar from 2pm onwards) so DH and I could go, but DH's sibling said they wanted their mum to have a break and enjoy herself. Totally fine, I'd already turned down the offer as it's her child's birthday and didn't want her to miss it.

Fast forward to now, and DH's sibling is asking DH to book a hotel and stay overnight. The party coincides with the Euros and a festival, the cheapest room is £140, so on top of travel, drinks, food and a present, we will be looking at £300+ for one night. I don't really want him to spend that sort of cash, and tbh he has said he doesn't, but his sibling is saying that no one wants to stay and hardly anyone has RSVP'ed saying yes. He now feels guilty. I understand that guilt, but we've gone from him driving up and coming back later on in the evening, costing the price of some diesel, food and soft drinks (plus present) to a far more substantial amount, because let's face it, if he stays over he will get drunk and spend far more...plus parking...blah blah. We have disposable income but (here comes the bit I think I'm going to get shot to pieces for) I can't help but think it could be better spent elsewhere. That's easily a couple of days out with the kids.

I don't know, now I've typed it I think I am being unreasonable...

To spend the night in a bar surrounded by football players?

And spend £300?

Let me think.......................

@JuneBuggy We don't have any family near by or friends that I would feel comfortable asking to have DC. There are 3 in total, including multiples, so it's a handful at times!

Supporters even .

Apologies OP, just seen your childcare post. Could DH book a family room, you could go and show your face then leave before it gets rowdy with the kids. Everyone gets a nice evening away, including you, DH's sibling gets to see his DBro, Niece / Nephews and you. Everyone's a winner.

Nice evening? Three preschoolers to contain in a pub and then holed up in a hotel room? Fuck me, that's not my definition of a nice evening!

@JuneBuggy - I guess this could be an option. But...and I guess this is me being unreasonable but I can deal with that, I don't want to spend that sort of money to sit in a room on my own with 3 travel cots just so I've shown up. I think I'm sounding petulant so apologies for that.

Can we afford it? Well yes, I guess the money is on the bank, but I'm about to give up work because my wage is eclipsed by childcare costs (multiples weren't factored in) so would the money be better in the bank for a rainy day? Imo yes, but I can see how for others it wouldn't be like that. It is DH's decision and I'm not going to let on how I feel.

Yanbu. I'd leave it up to dh but even though we could afford that amount with some consideration, he wouldn't want to pay it!

@witsender He doesn't want to pay it either, he's told me that. But feeling the pressure from elsewhere.

I can appreciate you not wanting to go with a young family, but I think your husband should go. Surely he is responsible enough not to get drunk and waste money which would be better spent elsewhere; could he stick with the original plan: no drinking, and leave mid-evening? Then he has celebrated his brother's (?) birthday and not wasted money on hotel accommodation. The important thing is that he sees his sibling for his birthday bash; he doesn't have to be drunk to do it.

I quite liked the whole travelling, watching a film all cosy in a hotel room with my DC... But then again I do only have one to wrangle worry about!

It's a difficult one and you're not sounding petulant, just torn between several not ideal options. Has anyone spoken to DBro about maybe going for a nice meal instead? That way you, DH and DC's could return to a hotel room if and when you choose (if of course you did choose to go)

• like, not liked!

YANBU. Family comes first. He needs to get a backbone. 'It's too expensive to stay overnight. I have a family to consider now.'

People need to get the fuck over themselves, it's their birthday, not the coming of the new Messiah.

@Goblin I totally agree, I'm absolutely not asking for him to go. I want him to go and celebrate, I would just rather it was the original plan, to go up for the start time of 2pm, then drive home at 9/10ish before he's too knackered.

Is he responsible enough to not spend hundreds? No doubt, but even if he only spent £60 (which out from 2pm with food and drinks in a trendy bar is pretty importable in this day and age) we are still at £300.

half of your £300 is the hotel. why so expensive? all he needs is a bed and shower- travelodge or whatever for £30

the present of £100 i presume would be bought regardless for his birthday

so £100 for hotel and beer money and a night out with his bro sounds great

Could he get the train there and back in a day? Gets there for 2 and then leaves around 9ish? That way he could have a few drinks.

Or even go out for a special lunch with his mum and siblings first and then on to the bar afterwards?

Would work out much cheaper.

The OP has explained that the hotel is expensive because it coincides with two major events .

Hmm, if it's a landmark birthday I think YABU.

It's not going to be £300 extra to stay, it's going to be £140. It's a special birthday, you've got disposable income, I'd be ok with that.

£100 for present would absolutely be spent regardless of course.

The price is so high because there is a massive event/festival on at the same time. I've looked myself as I was trying to find a cheaper option, but everywhere is booked up or silly money for just one night.

Mind you, if your dh hasn't booked the hotel yet chances are it will already be fully booked anyway, especially if it coincides with two big events.

One good compromise is your dh staying at this pub with his family til the small hours then driving home at 3am ish, saves money for a hotel, but ensures he shows his face for long enough to keep his sibling happy.

@Trivial Well no it'll be considerably more as you'll be factoring a full day and night out with alcohol and then probably somewhere else afterwards. It's £140 just for a bed to sleep in.

@Felicity Not sure how tired he might be in that scenario, he'd get home here at 5/5.30am...

In this situation I would leave it entirely up to my husband. If he wanted to go it would be up to him to go. Id personally take the children too and have a Google for local parks to take them out to to step reach thier legs during the football. (That would give him iphis excuse to not stay over if he didn't want to)

As a one off its manageable, and he could sleep til midday to catch up ( we have done this a few times)