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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ds Dad wants to take him to New Hampshire for a week

47 replies

bluebrushes · 05/05/2016 21:27

Ds is 11 going on 12.His dad mentioned that he wants to take him to America for a week this summer. We're in Ireland.
Great, you'd think, except that they have never spent more than 2 nights together in all the years -it's usually one Fri/Sat overnight each week.
Ds has not been away from me other than overnights with his dad for any longer than a night ,when he might stay overnight with a longtime friend (of DS) who lives closeby or with my mother , also lives nearby.
I don't deliberately keep him close-I haven't much option/necessity.
Ds is an anxious child (in process of assessment for dyscalculia/dyslexia-maybe not relevant).He is immature for his age as a result ,I think.
Ds says he feels pressured by his dad when he's with him, to go to on this trip ,but he's asked not to say anything to his dad about that. Their relationship isn't close-DS is a natural homebird but his dad has never done anything to encourage a stronger bond, has never gone out of his way to see more of him etc.I have never stood in the way of them having more time together-it was never an option.

This trip is to see family, so I think Ds is being taken along to mix with relatives which is a good thing but I KNOW he'll be left in the care of whoever is taking care of the other children, so not a bonding experience.
I suggested that his Dad take him somewhere in Ireland for a few days/week before planning the trip to America , to see how things go.
That didn't go down well-I am being negative, apparently.
I would love a week off but not if my son was miserable and " couldn't get back so he'd have to get on with it wouldn't he"
Thoughts please TIA
Sorry for essay-tried to get all info down

OP posts:

Original poster

bluebrushes · 06/05/2016 12:44

Jay55 There isn't a chance in hell that his dad would facilitate that.I doubt he would agree to skype at all during the holiday.
I have a sneaking suspicion that if ds agrees to go it'll suddenly become a 2/3 week holiday ....y'know,why go all that way for just a week??
But that's my paranoia. As you can tell I don't believe a word that comes out of his dads mouth, for good reason but I try to keep those feelings out of this situation.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 06/05/2016 13:01

This is in no way a dig at you OP but there are so many threads where NRPs are slagged off for not being active enough in their children's life, but when they try to be they are knocked back for spurious reasons.

How do you know your ex won't allow DS to skype you if he has only ever had him for one night at a time? What makes you think ex will suddenly decide to stay for longer? I think you need to decide if you are happy that he will be well looked after or not. If you don't think he will be well-looked after don't let him go. If you do think he'll be well looked after, encourage him to go, and try to minimize his anxieties. It might be the holiday of his life.

Original poster

bluebrushes · 06/05/2016 13:56

I hear ya Charley. I spose what it comes down to is there's a habit of hauling DS out for highdays and holidays if extended family are gathering together.
But there is a lack of day-to day/consistent involvement between them, so they don't have a strong,familiar relationship.
But I will use this opportunity to see if I can improve that.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 06/05/2016 15:08

Blue; I think many men, (people) don't fit the description of engaged and engaging parent, whether they live with their children or not. It's disappointing but not a reason to withhold contact (I know you're not doing that). Abuse/ neglect is a reason to withhold contact.
Hopefully he will become more engaged as his son gets older; it might even be that he never becomes particularly engaged, but at least DS will have a relationship with him and his extended family.
maybe you can have a nice holiday too

Charley50 · 06/05/2016 15:09

FWIW I grew up with my dad and had no relationship with him whatsoever.

Itsmine · 06/05/2016 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConferencePear · 06/05/2016 16:27

New Hampshire is such a lovely state I would encourage him to go. I found the natives overwhelmingly friendly and welcoming and his dad will be there as a refuge if he needs one. It might do their relationship the world of good.

Original poster

bluebrushes · 06/05/2016 17:36

Thanks for all the posts. It's good to hear all opinions. I'll see what reaction I get to suggesting they spend more time together in the meantime. This could be the turning point in all our lives. Big grin:

OP posts:

Charley50 · 06/05/2016 17:40

Great Bluebrushes! And sorry am over invested but ..
www.visit-newhampshire.com/state/family-activities/

Atenco · 06/05/2016 18:53

I think you should let him. A week is a very short period of time and he will be getting to know the extended family. If it doesn't work, it is only a week.

Original poster

bluebrushes · 06/05/2016 19:55

Charley thanks for that (can't do biggrin face)!!
Yes Atenco, I'm getting the message Biggrin to you too!!

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/05/2016 20:16

What is the worse that can happen?

Im not often a prophet of doom and gloom but child of that age with SN an anxierty issue and a parent who has a lack of understanding about that.

I would think one of the worst things could be child spends the time in such a high state of anxierty that is unlikely to be managed well and as a result decides his future intention is to have no relationship with his dad at all So opts out.

That would be pretty fucking bad for everybody

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/05/2016 20:23

Fwiw I think both of you (as in parents) should find some way of working together to reduce and work out management stratigies for anxierty and build up time with dad.
Do as much as you both can to make sure your son understands what's happening what's expected of him what he can expect from others caring for him whilst away and work out what other issues may be causing him concern (things like does he think he will have to sleep in a room with someone who is a stranger to him/is he frightened of flying) put the time inbetween now and then working on it and hopefully he will actively choose to go and look forward to it and have a good time.

Original poster

bluebrushes · 06/05/2016 20:36

NeedsAsock I agree with you that that could happen, BUT as I said I will be encouraging/insisting on more contact before then to see how things play out.

Also (dripfeeding a bit now) DS assessment should be completed well before then and we'll be hopefully having meetings with Ed Psychologist ,which might get his dad into the loop iyswim.

I will not let strangers on t'internet override my gut feelings at the end of the day, but it's helpful to have non-interested parties to bounce off.
Like I said I appreciate all the opinions but that's all they are-opinions.
Wish I could do smileys!!

OP posts:

Original poster

bluebrushes · 06/05/2016 20:38

NeedA
crossposted

OP posts:

OneEpisode · 06/05/2016 20:47

My own dc has anxiety and if I was planning this trip for him I would be creating a folder for him. Clothes packing lists. Passport details. visa/ESTA for the US. Insurance. The name of the accommodation would be needed for the ESTA. How to phone home from the US. Eg is there a mobile he can take that can make calls affordably from the us. Charger with adaptor for the us. Some US dollars. Some gifts (uk sweets) from home for his us relatives. A library book about the us and for the plane. Seeing the folder would make him less anxious and maybe preparing it would make you less anxious which he would feel too? It could be a great opportunity for him?

OneEpisode · 06/05/2016 20:49

Cross posted with op. But my own dc is under cahms for anxiety and we still do stuff. It's not his fault.

BeALert · 06/05/2016 20:56

I'm completely biased because I absolutely love New Hampshire. I spend as many weekends there as I can. It's the most beautiful fun state.

If you can arrange things so your son can go, then I would try to make it happen.

But he does need to spend more time with his dad first.

Oly5 · 06/05/2016 21:05

i think this could be a great opportunity for your son. Foreign travel is awesome for kids.
Get him a mobile phone with lots of credit on it so he can call you anytime..and let him go.
It could do his relationship with his dad good and he gets to see extended family.
I would tell your ex that your son is a bit anxious about it and you want to get him excited so what sort of fun activities will they be doing?
If it doesn't work out...it's only a week

Original poster

bluebrushes · 06/05/2016 21:29

OneE
Thank you but I will not be "allowed " any input into this trip. All my efforts as suggested above will be dismissed/discarded.
His dad does not respect any input I might want to make.
So I made the decision a long time ago that ds relationship with his dad was none of my business to save myself the grief it involved.
All I do is facilitate the relationship ,and listen to Ds about his feelings/opinions regarding all of this .

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/05/2016 22:56

Then in reality if that is the deal you need to be making it clear to his dad that (if this is how DS feels) without that background work and efforts made to make DS feel less anxious about going you will not be consenting.

He has just as much responsibility to DS as you do, he's the one that wants this to happen he should be willing to do the groundwork.

Obviously this has to only be if DS is really not wanting to go but not willing to verbalise that to dad but he's 11/12 he's still not big enough to stand up to a grown up especially when that grown up will not understand and will have their own emotions about the situation.

OzzieFem · 07/05/2016 04:19

If your son goes, make sure he has adequate private health insurance to cover the entire trip.

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