I'm a horrible jealous person

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I already know that i am but I can't help it, I don't even know why I'm posting really. My sis is pregnant I knew & was delighted for her however, she went for her first scan today & has found out its twins. I'm still obviously delighted for her but I'm also insanely jealous & just want to cry.
We have been trying for years been through one failed round of ivf & have 2 blastocysts in the freezer to go again. This will be our final shot all our eggs are currently in the freezer waiting to be put into the one basket as it were. Twins is everything I've ever dreamed of my absolute best case scenario, obviously any baby would be amazing for us but twins really is my dream.
I know I'm a horrible person but I feel like she has everything I ever wanted & I just want to cry & cry. This is a rant more than anything because I know that I abu & a cow. thanks to anyone that read this far.

You are NOT horrible, or a cow. You're human. I really, really hope things work out for you.

Op, you are not a cow, its natural to feel the way you do, I hated every pregnant woman I saw after I had a late miscarriage.
However, your sister will probably be very anxious during her pregnancy,( I was during my twin pregnancy)and I think most women expecting twins are anxious, about early birth, complications etc. So try and be supportive if she contacts you and tells you of her anxieties even though it will be difficult for you.
Good luck with the IVF

You are not horrible. A friend of mine was in the exact same situation and my heart broke for her at the time. She now has a DC a few months younger than the twin cousins, I hope the same happens for you.

Such a hard thing for you OP
Your sister will know how terrible this is for you. She will know that you're hurting.

Best of luck with the ivf.

you are NOT horrid, you are lovely to acknowledge that you feel this way , and to be doing your best to not show your Dsis and to be happy for her.
I remember absolutely slating a junior colleague who got pregnant from a one night stand , not even knowing the blokes name, when i was smugly married and had nice house etc and was going through ivf....i remember the insanity of my feelings so clearly...how dare she have something so easily and without any thought when i who was obviously perfect parent material couldnt...i still feel embarrassed by myself now.
LOTS OF US HAVE BEEN THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING ....we cannot all be horrid nasty jealous witches...can we ????? :)

You will feel better in a few days.

Your situation sounds similar to a friend of mine. Her sister was told she could never have children and fell pregnant with twins unexpectedly at 42. My friend was going through IVF at the time. Unfortunately, so was I. Her IVF failed and mine worked. She has been very supportive but she has been open with me and told me how she feels. I know she goes home and cries to her husband after seeing me (I'm 34 weeks). I feel terrible for her but I think being honest has helped otherwise it would create awkwardness. She was the only one who knew about our treatment at the time so I wouldn't have shared any details with family. They didn't know we even wanted children.

The worst thing about IVF is the uncertainty of it. You can't guarantee it will work and you don't dare hope it will. Good luck with your next round - it could be the one that works.

You're not a bad person for feeling as you do. I still feel envious when others fall pregnant naturally.

You are not horrible op, I agree with pps that your sister will know how you are feeling. She may have even fretted about telling you and just decided to get it over with. She may keep her distance and allow you to have time to process it on your own.

I would be honest with her, tell her you are really, truly happy for her anf you love her but you are finding it tough with the ivf.

I have everything crossed for you op I so hope this works for you

Keep your chin up today and when you get home let it all out. Cry, sob, then shake yourself off, have a cupper and pin the smile back on again

You're not a horrible person. I used to spend the day visiting PIL and both pregnant SILs laughing and joking with everyone, discussing their plans ect. Then spend the whole hours drive home in floods of tears when DH and i were struggling with TTC.

It's shite and i wish you all the very best OP x

It's so nice to hear that I'm at least not alone in feeling this way. I chickened out of speaking to my parents last night & also my sis but I text to say that I would phone over the weekend. Dh is also hit hard by the news but has texted his congrats.
I had a good cry last night & feel stronger today. I still can't bring myself to tell people close to me the news, but that will come & it's an advantage to living in another country to my family & can't share the news when I'm ready.

You're not horrible, you're really not.

You are not horrible or a cow at all.

It's probably not that you are envious of her per se, but it's the horrible unfairness of it all. Of other people getting pregnant, having a healthy pregnancy etc while you are TTC and shoulder the burden of that stress. I know it must just bring it closer to home when it is a family member, rather than a stranger.

Please do not worry and do not feel guilty. You are not horrible, you are entitled to feel sad at the unfairness of life. She will need your help and support and you will certainly make a wonderful Auntie!

Wishing you the best of luck OP

A quick update for anyone interested & also because writing it all down seems to help somehow. I spoke to my parents tonight dm asked how I was feeling, I said that I was happy for ds & that I didn't want to talk about my feelings. It was left there dm knows what we've been through & probably had an idea of how I'm feeling. I won't talk to my parents about it because I don't want to put them in the position of being happy for one dd & feeling bad for the other.
I will speak to sis over the weekend & I will be fine. I will also speak to my rl friend that has been through failed Ivf's & is still trying she will completely understand & I won't feel guilty speaking to her about it.
Thanks again for all the lovely messages they honestly really helped

You actually sound lovely OP, not horrible at all. Good luck with the IVF. Really hope this works.

Oh cricky. It's a completely normal feeling and you are not a cow or anything like that otherwise. How utterly hard for you. I'm sat here really feeling for you. But, It will be ok and things will work out for you. Xxxx

I've been through it too and it's totally normal.

Y absolutely ANBU and you are absolutely not a horrible cow to feel this way!!
You are desperate to be pregnant and it is only natural for you to feel jealous that your sister is now expecting twins and that this seems, to you, to have happened so easily for her; whilst you are having such a battle

These feelings are completely natural and TBH, it would be stranger for you not to have them. Obviously, you love your sister and you are happy for her but that doesnt diminish the hurt you feel or the feelings of how unfair life can seem at times

You come across as a sensible and loving sister who would probably never even tell her how her news has made you feel. And she is probably very aware of how you are feeling anyway.

Good luck with your next round of IVF

You have my feelings spot on geez but as a pp said which helped, it's not sis's fault that it happened for her any more than its my fault it hasn't happened for me.
I will keep reminding myself of that whenever I need to, which may be often !!!

I know that awful feeling. I've been through a lot but I'm not sure any of it has been worse than infertility. And this is one of the most painful aspects of that. You have all my sympathy.