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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that people now treat me different from what they used to.

56 replies

midlifehope · 04/05/2016 20:38

People in my local village and town used to be very friendly with me, often chatting etc. Of late, people seem to avoid me suddenly, or just give me a few brief moments of their time. I can't seem to get on the 'inside' of any group. Am I paranoid? Has the social climate changed. Is there some odd rumour or gossip that has spread about me (I don't live a remotely outrageous or scandalous life). Is it that I'm older and more grey and not as girly looking so not as approachable?. When I go to another town or village, people treat me more normally. It makes me think that a rumour has spread or something. I'm very happy in my life, with two ds's which I adore, a rough diamond partner, and a house I love. Are people envious. I wish I knew what was going on?

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 04/05/2016 21:22

I don't think you are going to get the answer by posting on MN.

You say you've done nothing, and want strangers to guess what it might be?

Do you want people to say they're jealous? Confused

MissTriggs · 04/05/2016 21:23

It's going to go just fine

Yep I bet he has said something to someone. ...'

can you ask?

WriteforFun1 · 04/05/2016 21:24

So why not just ask your husband?

MissTriggs · 04/05/2016 21:25

He wont know what he has said
You have to confide in someone

Catmuffin · 04/05/2016 21:32

I think you need to find someone friendly you can ask if there has been a rumour spread. At my dd's primary school there were a group of parents (not all women) who were bitchy, but most were nice. It would be strange if a whole town was like that. I think ask someone.

foursillybeans · 04/05/2016 21:41

Have you stopped drawing your curtains at night? Perhaps you've been treating the village to a strip show every night without realising it. Grin

Original poster
midlifehope · 04/05/2016 21:43

ok, I think I'll have to pluck up the courage and ask someone. However, if I knew a rumour about someone else, I don't know if I could tell them to their face. Perhaps I'm just odd or something?

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 04/05/2016 21:44

I mean perhaps my behaviour in general is odd, in a way I don't realise..... I'm not super confident, but not shy either, just normal and friendly, I think....

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 04/05/2016 21:47

haha 4 - I do tend to leave curtains open occasionally - we're not overlooked though!! I live in the middle of nowhere

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WriteforFun1 · 04/05/2016 21:47

If I knew the answer to your question, I would probably just say "no idea" to avoid hassle
Unless you were a close friend, in which case I'd have told you immediately. So it's a tough one.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/05/2016 21:48

There will be a reason - and you need to find out - it's ever so annoying though - the people that are less friendly - are they random ages and gendered ?

Original poster
midlifehope · 04/05/2016 21:56

It's mostly the mum friends to be honest - female's with children in my circle.......

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 04/05/2016 21:56

*females

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stopfuckingshoutingatme · 04/05/2016 21:59

Ah then there will be a reason - mark my word

Ask someone

HPsauciness · 04/05/2016 22:12

OP, this has happened to me, initially I was quite welcome and chatted a lot to different people, but over time, the group, in fact two groups, just solidified without me in it and I stopped getting asked to things as a matter of course. Ultimately, I didn't fit in that well and I guess people just found it easier without me in the group.

I just realised they weren't perhaps great friends anyway and make friends with another mum who was more on the outside of the main group as well, plus said hello to those that were friendly.

You could ask if you've done something but my experience of being in a group that turns 'bad' is that there doesn't seem to be any huge reason behind it, it just coheres together without you and often a key person doesn't like you so much, so you just stop being part of it without any deliberate or nasty intent. Of course there may be times it is about some huge faux pas or something someone thinks you did, but that's not been my experience.

The answer is to look elsewhere for some more long-lasting and hopefully enduring friendships, I met a much nicer friend that way.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 04/05/2016 22:23

Yup it's a small town thing!

Initially everyone is all "ooo welcome to the village, you'll love it here, it's soo friendly " and "how are you settling in, do pop by if there's anything you need"

And then once you're settled they wouldn't spit on you if they were on fire, but it's not personal, they woudn't spit on their cousin over the road either even though they man the voluntary tea service together every sunday after church.

It's the opposite to big faceless towns, where people get friendler the more you get to know them.

The bigger the front, the bigger the back! The more they gush about welcoming you to their friendly village, the more of a back stabbing vipers nest it'll turn out to be!

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 04/05/2016 22:23

"they wouldn't spit on you if they were on fire,"
LOL typo

Briony32 · 04/05/2016 22:31

Hold your head up high and be yourself. People can be so fickle and total sheep. It's hard, but it sounds like you have done nothing wrong. Nothing you can do. I don't think it would help to confront anyone. Just be your cheerful self, and keep turning up to things. Try not to let it get you down. Be strong and eventually it will change. The ones who have made up their minds about you because of some silly gossip aren't worth it. I feel like this sometimes, I never know if it's paranoia or what. Maybe we are different, but different is good. And be nice, so that people can't find fault with you. I wish people would be a little kinder, if only they knew how damaging their behaviour is. Good luck x

Original poster
midlifehope · 04/05/2016 22:33

well put Screenshotting....... I have actually been craving moving to a big city where everyone is faceless. Dp wouldn't move though.

HP I think you're right about groups solidifying. Perhaps I should make more effort, but I'm sooooo tired with having a young baby. One mum is consistently friendly, no one else has asked me a question about myself for ages.....

OP posts:
Original poster
midlifehope · 04/05/2016 22:35

Briony32, lovely heart warming advice. Thank you Smile

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Original poster
midlifehope · 04/05/2016 22:37

with that I'm off to bed Smile will check back tomorrow Smile

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AdrenalineFudge · 04/05/2016 22:51

This is exactly why I can't stand these everyone-knows-everyone type places. If you're not bothered then carry on. I don't need the whole village to like me but one or two people to have a laugh with would suffice. I live in a massive city and I still only have a handful of friends.

WriteforFun1 · 04/05/2016 22:59

Interesting view of small towns
I'm a Londoner and I think it's very friendly here but I often get the impression that people think it isn't friendly! I think it's probably just luck wherever you live.

Op other thing about gossip, if there was any it might well have reached you by now.

Wdigin2this · 04/05/2016 23:10

The only way you're going to find out if there's something wrong, or you're just being paranoid, is to ask someone....so ask!

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 04/05/2016 23:34

Its not a small town thing, people in small towns aren't any different to people in the big smoke.

If you are paranoid that people are suddenly treating yuo differently, its because you are aware there is a reason they might be doing so. Either you or your partner has pissed someone off, or done something you shouldn't. You wouldn't be asking in such a way otherwise.