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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting to DH

46 replies

DSHousewife01 · 04/05/2016 09:04

Hi, first time AIBU!

DH does his exercise the same time most days. I got home just before him and turned the radio on as he always listens to it whilst working out.

DH comes in and asks why is the radio on?

My exact reply was "I set it up for you as I know you listen to it when you exercise"

His response was to tell me to stop being moody.

I was slightly taken back by his response and so replied "what are you talking about, I'm not being moody, I just did something nice for you!" My tone of voice was admittedly agitated when saying this.

His response was "see, you are being moody"

This escalated into an argument where I raised my voice and was incredibly angry, I basically told him I was in a fine mood but now I am being moody because of what he has started.

DH called me a psycho and told me he shouldn't have to live with this.

I apologised for the extent of my anger but maintained I had a right to be annoyed.

He is insistent he has done nothing wrong.
That my tone of voice on my initial reply was moody (where I told him I had set up his music for him) and that telling me to stop being moody was not telling me off or telling me what to do, but just talking.

Was I BU to be angry at him telling me to stop being moody when I wasnt, and to still be annoyed the day after that he feels he has done nothing wrong?

OP posts:

YorkieDorkie · 04/05/2016 13:05

I was just going to said what bill said! Spoiling for a fight, no doubt about it.

TheDuckSaysMoo · 04/05/2016 13:51

I'm going to try to remember Mango's response.

Pettywoman · 04/05/2016 14:55

It gives me the rage when DH does this to me. He's not done it for a while now because last time it turned into a huge screaming row. I remember shouting ' I am not moody this is just the way I talk, I'm not going round grinning and simpering like a twat just to please you'.

pasanda · 04/05/2016 15:02

Today I went to marriage counselling and had a very similar discussion except I am often accused of sounding accusatory, rather than moody, when I am so not.

It ended with the counsellor saying that I did, most certainly have an 'accusatory' tone in my normal day to day voice. And I need to be aware of it and how others might take my normal voice.

I got annoyed and emotional (PMT!) and basically said how the fuck can I change my normal talking voice.

But it too, gives me the rage when someone says you are being something you are not and this thread has made me feel a bit better that I am not the only one. So thank you.

BoatyMcBoat · 04/05/2016 18:50

Pasanda, what I don't understand is if someone knows you well, why don't they know that's your normal voice?

My dh told me once that mil thought I looked angry when I was thinking and therefore she thought I was angry. I wondered why he didn't just say "no, she's thinking, concentrating" but somehow it ended up that I had to change my expression - the one I fell into without consciousness when I thought, the one which everyone I had ever met in the last 20 years had interpreted as thinking. Why on earth did I allow that to happen?

AyeAmarok · 04/05/2016 19:06

I think there is a huge backstory here.

Damselindestress · 04/05/2016 19:24

It would really annoy me too if I was accused of being moody when I wasn't. It's a bit of a trap because the more you try to deny it the more frustrated you get so the more moody you sound. Obviously ideally it would be better not to give him the satisfaction of a reaction but that's easier said than done! I imagine you feel like you can't win when you try to do something nice and he has an attitude with you about it. Sounds like there are underlying issues for you both to get so upset though.

Sweettuth · 04/05/2016 20:53

This actually happened.

MIL whispers to DH: is sweettuth ok? She looks really angry
DH really loudly: nah don't worry. She's still sweet, she's just got a resting bitch face

BoatyMcBoat · 04/05/2016 23:07

Sweettuth · 04/05/2016 23:28

Btw if mil knew what her resting face looks like...but that's another topic b

TheStoic · 05/05/2016 01:30

Cannot stand this. It's a bit like:

A. You've got a sore head.
B. No I haven't.
A. Whack
B. Ouch!
A. See??!

noddingoff · 05/05/2016 02:17

You can just walk away. Although no matter how calmly you do so and how gently you shut the door, it will be construed as "stomping off in a huff".

nobilityobliges · 05/05/2016 06:58

It's annoying but what do you want out of this thread? Proof that you were in the right? Just explain to him when he's calm that you genuinely didn't mean anything by it then move on. Unless this kind of thing is happening on a daily basis, of course. But in general, I'd be amazed if anyone didn't occasionally misconstrue/overreact to something their OH said.

nobilityobliges · 05/05/2016 07:03

And tbh "stop being moody" is something spouses should be able to say to one another when they think the other one is being moody (obviously if it's said continuously to belittle the other's feelings that's a different matter). So it's not a huge deal that he said it. Annoying that he thought you were being moody when you weren't, but it should be enough to just explain this then move on. I don't think with his initial comment he did anything massively wrong tbh.

Fidelia · 05/05/2016 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

n0ne · 05/05/2016 08:27

This happens to me a lot. DH completely misinterprets my tone of voice as arsy when I'm not being arsy at all. Not just him, actually, on many occasions people have told me to calm down when I was perfectly calm, or at worst, excited. It can be really upsetting as it instantly does make me arsy, or kills my excitement. I would try and do something about it but I can't hear it myself. Sorry OP

diddl · 05/05/2016 08:38

It's never right to tell someone how they feel & then argue with them about it!

If it was a one off, did he think that you were having a dig at him?

I must admit if someone put the radio on for me I'd find it odd/unnecessary?

Hopefully I'd manage to say thanks but that I'd rather just do it myself in future, though.

leelu66 · 05/05/2016 08:42

YANBU. Is he usually twatty or was this a rare display?

AnonymousBird · 05/05/2016 10:33

He was angling for a fight.

pasanda · 05/05/2016 21:15

It is so fecking annoying.

My dh is not being very helpful with the dc tonight, sitting reading a book whilst I run ragged but I am reluctant to say anything at all in case I sound 'accusatory'. So I remain silent, and fume inside.

Very conducive to a healthy relationship - thanks marriage guidance counsellor!!

MummaB123 · 05/05/2016 21:20

YANBU, but these are exactly the sorts of things me and my DH argue about (me always being accused of 'clearly looking for an argument') I'm just grateful that we only have silly things to argue about, and think it shows we have a good relationship.

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