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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday present now out of stock

47 replies

PegsPigs · 04/05/2016 07:28

Back story is I'm mainly the one who researches big purchases. DH previously had a job for 2 years (teacher) where he had little free time so it all fell to me. For the last year he's worked 9-5 essentially with all non work time free.

Gradually over this time I've asked him to help our sorting stuff. DD birthday party, baptism etc. Both of those examples went brilliantly. We're having work done on the garden (organised by me) and I asked him to sort out the garden furniture. He found the perfect set which I thanked him for and said what a great job he'd done. As it's my birthday coming up I said anyone who asks him for ideas to ask for money towards the set. We were always going to get it but given it's nearly my birthday, I'm not particularly in need of anything and I'm on maternity leave so could do with a contribution to that (we have totally joint funds) rather than stuff I don't need.

Fast forward 2 weeks. He's just told me it's out of stock. I assumed as we had the conversation 2 weeks ago and Ebay said 'Almost gone' he would have just bought it and banked any money contributed to it (parents, siblings etc)

Nope. Apparently he was waiting for everyone's money to come in before buying it. Despite the fact we were going to buy it anyway and the fact it was low stock. He's annoyed at me being disappointed because he says I should have pointed out it said 'Almost gone'. I'm annoyed at him that he didn't just buy it when he saw it - it really was perfect and a great price hence why it's all gone

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

PegsPigs · 04/05/2016 08:36

The 'present' was kind of doing the research for me in a way.

OP posts:

00100001 · 04/05/2016 08:38

It being her birthday is a little bit irrelevant.

because, it's still a bloody table and chairs not as if he forgot to pay the electricity bill and they got cut off.

Only1scoop · 04/05/2016 08:39

'I thanked him and said what a great job he'd done'

Blimey what would you say if he found a matching parasol to complete the set ....

BitOutOfPractice · 04/05/2016 08:54

Wow.

I think the phrase "may all your troubles be small ones" was coined to apply to you OP!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 04/05/2016 09:01

I would be a bit annoyed too but then I'd remind myself it's garden furniture and move on.

I'm used to being the capable one so when dh and I got together and he is also capable we did clash a bit.

Separate responsibilities and not moaning about stuff the other person has done is key. You can moan on here of course. It's what MN is made for

Noodledoodledoo · 04/05/2016 09:05

Think your first mistake was letting him think when teaching he had to do nothing else around the house.

I teach and also sort out most of the practical side of running the house, plus sorting out payments for DD clubs, taking her to them, researching them etc! Plus do two of my own activities (one which requires a lot of prep outside of the activity) in the week.

It's not the end of the world, contact the seller and see if they are going to get anymore back in stock - source it from another vendor.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 04/05/2016 09:18

I can see why you're annoyed. It's not difficult to order a set that you've all agreed that you are going to buy. There's also no reason for you to have to spoon-feed him with the fact that it said 'almost gone'.

tbh I would be dialling back the praise. You're treating him as though it's amazing he can function in the world like an adult and partly because of that, he's vaguely working towards your approval rather than getting on and getting stuff done.

It's not your fault that he didn't buy the set. But, I think both of your attitudes towards this are a hangover from when you did everything.

firesidechat · 04/05/2016 09:21

You seem to have a very rigid division of labour in you house op. If I had been given money for my birthday and wanted to spend it on a particular thing then I would have researched it and bought it myself. I wouldn't expect anyone else to do it for me.

I think your mistake may have been buying a family item as a birthday present. I would have bought the garden set out of household expenditure and had something more personal as a birthday present.

If he's so bad at decorating I would take over that task. I hate gardening so don't do it, but I do all of the decorating instead because I'm very good at it. It's pointless sharing out specific tasks if the person who gets that job is bad at it. Far better to play to each others strengths.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/05/2016 09:26

I also think your Title is a bit misleading and emotive. This wasn't even your birthday present when he started looking was it?

Anyway, in this house this issue would have elicited a "FFS!" and an eye roll and that would be it. I certainly couldn't have mustered up enough angst to even type a quarter of your OP

PPie10 · 04/05/2016 09:30

This isn't a big issue at all and you are being a bit ridiculous. Honestly just move on, you sound very childish about this.

PastaLaFeasta · 04/05/2016 09:42

I'd rather email a link and get something to look forward to than a big fat disappointment - Christmas especially, if all other adults are open gifts because I bothered to be caring enough to buy them all a gift and I'm left empty handed. My family tend to ask for ideas and use wish lists, it suits us and I did it as a kid - my last surprise gift from my Dad was a foot dry skin remover which I don't need and I hate pointless crap cluttering our (too small) home.

If I know DH is useless and I will end up upset then I need to take some responsibility for that. He's not going to change and become a decisive and thoughtful person. Although I told him to buy a token gift so there was some effort on his part. I quite like buying thoughtful gifts for others on the other hand.

RhiWrites · 04/05/2016 09:59

OP, I'm sorry others here see this as minor. It's part of the wife work problem. Women have to all the thinking and planning and remembering and then instruct men on how to do the job. That's not an adult partnership.

He was in charge of getting the garden set, why didn't he see it was low in stock and get on and order it? Because he isn't actually engaging his brain with these tasks or treating them as they matter. Bet he would if his boss asked him to organise an order.

YANBU. What kind of present is it if you have to all the work. I think you can tell him that he half-assed this and that when he does a job you don't want to have to feel you are still in charge of managing him to do it right.

Original poster

PegsPigs · 04/05/2016 11:39

It's been good to see views on this because it's a fairly even split whether IABU or not.

I did just write the post to let off steam instead of having a go at him before he left for work.

He really struggled with teaching hence why he left. He even gave up his one hobby night because he felt stressed doing it when he needed to plan.

I don't need anything for myself and I hate useless clutter presents. If I want something later in the year I'll buy it and not feel guilty because my main present was a furniture set.

OP posts:

00100001 · 04/05/2016 12:17

a fairly even split?

I don't think it has been.

I just counted 22 responses out of the 39 (in the whole thread!) that says either YABU or it's a non issue/get over it!

cornflakegirl · 04/05/2016 12:43

This is the kind of thing I would get upset by too - as much by the fact that he has pushed the blame on to you as by the fact that you've missed out on something that looked perfect. If he had taken responsibility and said "I'm so sorry that I didn't notice it was low stock", it would be much less of an issue, for me anyway.

Original poster

PegsPigs · 04/05/2016 12:48

cornflake yes that's part of my annoyance too. That somehow I was responsible for not pointing out the low stock.

OP posts:

opheliaamongthelillies · 05/05/2016 09:50

"I thanked him and said what a great job he'd done'
Did you give him a star for his reward chart?
Maybe if you stop treating him as though he is 3 years old, he might learn to do some of these things......and if he's so crap at painting and you're not happy with his results- do it yourself.

MangoBiscuit · 05/05/2016 09:58

Well I think YANBU OP. Ignoring MNers apparent hatred for anyone but DCs celebrating their birthday, I'm with cornflakegirl. I too think the issue here is that he did half a job, you've missed out, but instead of saying "Oops, sorry" he's tried to pass the blame on to you.

In your shoes, if he'd taken responsibility I wouldn't have cared as much. It's the argument that some how you're ultimately responsible for making sure shit gets done. Grr.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 05/05/2016 10:05

It's a mistake. It happens. But it sounds like you've started the blame game and he's reacted to it by blaming you. If it was so obvious that he should have bought it immediately then why didn't you say something rather than just assume he was thinking the same? Really it's a total non-issue, just a bit annoying.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 05/05/2016 10:05

Is 'researching big purchases' a recognised chore now?

I'm with the majority I'm afraid OP. Is he generally a good 'un?

If so, he's a good person who did something imperfectly. A thing that's not hugely important. A bit annoying, possibly. But definitely no more than that.

CurlsLDN · 05/05/2016 10:10

As others have pointed out yabu, you need to just breathe and move on.

If you copy the image of the one you wanted and paste it into the search bar on google images it will show you everywhere that image exists on the Internet, so you will probably find it for sale elsewhere

Original poster

PegsPigs · 05/05/2016 13:11

He is generally a good 'un and he has emailed the seller who says it should be back in stock in about 3 weeks. So will probably miss my birthday but looking for it online myself (I tried reverse Google search but it just came up with eBay) using similar wording I found it for £100 more which is annoying. So I'd rather wait and get it for less.

I don't think I was patronising when I said what a great job he'd done (not my exact words) How I said it was I'd given him a complicated brief as I wanted 2 things that aren't commonly offered as part of the same set and under a certain budget and he'd found the perfect one. I was impressed at the great item he'd found.

OP posts:

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