To be terrified to have a child

[Fragola76]

I was wondering if i was the only person to feel like this, everyone else seems to just do it. In theory having children seems nice, in practice, when i start thinking of everything that could go wrong I just don't think i can do it-I'm mainly thinking about caring for a child with a disability, or an illness later on, the possibility once you have a child that you could lose it and then the more mundane stuff-it's hard-and what it does to your relationship. I could go on and on but basically, is anyone else this scared/overthinking, or in fear that they would not be resilient enough to have children? People always say there isn't a perfect time to have children, but the timing is perfect for me now, i just can't bring myself to do it as I am just too worried about the consequences.
Any thoughts or encouragements welcome!
Cheers

'I just wish I wasn't judged so much for it- although it's becoming more common , there is still a huge social pressure to procreate'

There is Olivia, you're right. Its still seen as the 'normal' choice by so many. The stereotypes about childfree people being shallow, selfish and self-indulgent are still alive and well. Although of course, anyone who is judgemental or nasty about a childfree person is revealing way more about themselves than they realise.

Everyone who chooses not to be a parent has their own complex and highly personal reasons for making that decision

I was so frightened during pregnancy! What if I can't do it? Do I really want this?

That's history. It just clicked for me and now look how I get to spend my afternoon ...

I have many child-free friends in their forties and for them, it's been the right choice. They never got to a stage where there was a 'perfect time' and needed encouragement, they actively chose to step away from the path of having children (e.g. had abortions, used contraception, made an active decision between them not to go ahead). In general, they didn't not have kids through fear though of what might happen, they did it as they liked the life they had in terms of being child-free.

I just wish I wasn't judged so much for it- although it's becoming more common , there is still a huge social pressure to procreate.

Yup. And then if you do, after much dithering, have a child when you're two months shy of 40 and feel you must finally have joined the 'mainstream' of reproductive choices, you get a slew of the random strangers who told you were selfish for not having children telling you you're selfish for not having more than one child. Grr....

HP That's fine if after your ambivalence you become Mum of the Year. Some do not, and bitterly regret it and you can't put the clock back. There have been threads on MN where people who have regretted children have spoken quite openly about it and how dreadfully unhappy they are. There's a big difference in taking on a risk for something you're nervous about that just concerns you or something inanimate that create a new life that didn't ask to be born. It is a very taboo subject, regretting having children - a bit like the societal pressure a lot of people feel to have children.

Hi all

many thanks for all of your contributions and for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences.

Just to try and answer some of your questions:

I'm definitely not particularly anxious as a person but this is probably the biggest life decision i will ever make, so I am anxious about this particular subject. As for character traits, we are both indecisive and risk averse which i think might have an impact on the dithering!

We have definitely considered not having children, and i think we would still be happy, we have a really great life as it is really. I guess there is an element of wanting it all, all the freedom of being childless and all the joys of parenthood (but not the downsides!). Clearly it's not possible and you have to choose, but until you have children I guess you sort of wonder what you are missing (as in I am not yearning for it but I do wonder). I also have other, pretty terrible reasons for wanting children (I know they are really crap reasons). It's really stupid but I do still feel a bit judged for being childless (you are selfish, people make assumptions about your fertility and what makes you happy). People also tend to remind you that eventually if you don't have children you are signing up for a life of loneliness (you'll die alone, what if something happens to your husband, anything that plays to people natural fears).

More sensible reasons for wanting children are the usual, the idea of having a child with someone i love, the family life...I'm not fully sold on the unconditional love as that seems to wane a bit once children become adults 😊

Everyone has made such good points, it's hard not to change my mind every time i read a post- I think i have a problem!😂

I don't really have time on my side but not really worried about conceiving, at the end of the day if i can't that's decision made.

I'm going back to read the whole thread, too many good points to take them all in in one go!

Life in general is a risk. For example, you risk the regret in old age of not having children / grand children. My first birth went wrong, my ds didnt breathe for 5 minutes, had to be hypothermically cooled, and has lost some of his hearing, so wears aids. There was a lot of trauma but lots of positives and we got through it. Second DCs birth was easy. Think about life as risky in general, and babies is just one aspect of that,

Hi OP, it's a hugely complex and personal decision. I hear you about being judged, although if it helps, I understand from parents that the judging doesn't stop even if you do have a child! If you have one child it's cruel, if you have two children of the same sex you should be trying for another blah blah blah. You know how it goes. There will always be people who think they know your life better than you do. Some parents feel very threatened by childfree people - bit of jealousy at play perhaps

You say you have a lovely life and that's not something to give up lightly. Only you know whether the upheaval of having a child would be worth it. Also bear in mind that decisions rarely feel 100% right - it's totally normal to feel a bit wistful about what might have been.

For me what swayed it was "what if the day comes and I suddenly want kids and I cant?" I had to try. I was incredibly blasè about my own fertility - if it happens, brilliant. If it doesnt then this job and this house my DH and I are settled in can go too, fuck it, we will bum round the world.

As it happened I got pregnant and now Ive got two kids. I feel "done". I feel glad that I was able to control it - if I left it too long, what if I change my mind and my body is past baby reari g age?

Im not massively maternal. Im slightly selfish. Im incredibly introverted. But I adore my kids and try to give them a fun, interesting and loving upbringing. Whilst secretly thinking "oooooh when they get to 18 and 22 I will be 48 and im freeeeeee!"