what to say to school tomorrow

[IWantToBeAUnicorn]

Braving AIBU for traffic
I am currently going through a divorce so acrimonious I can't even begin to explain. I'd get called a troll!
For various reasons, allegations of assault, emotional abuse etc the stbxh parents are not allowed contact with my son who is 8. This is not court ordered but agreed between me and ex (albeit reluctantly on ex part for obvious reasons )
When it all kicked off with the parents a couple of months ago, I went into school and explained the situation. We don't yet have court orders in place so hands were tied as regards to ex picking up my son, but we agreed that it was only either him or me. And that if they got a call to say dad couldn't get him they would always ring me. Only if I couldn't get him could someone with the NEW password collect him. So with all the facts and limitations in front of them this was the solution we agreed. I gave them the new password, but have never had a need to share it with anyone else at all. Not even ex. At the same time I removed all details for the grandparents from the records. The changes were specific to the ILs, but in the interest of fairness I also removed anyone from my family as well. So only his dad and I with authority.

Skip to today, ex was being an arse as usual and couldn't collect. I went to get him at half five, and his grandad had already been at 4pm, given the old password and been allowed to take him . They said they had spoken to dad and he said it was ok.
I was terrified as they are going away for a week, and have wanted to take him with them for a while.
I called them and my son was there, I told them I was on my way and to have him ready. That they have no right to take him, and if they didn't return him I would call the police.
When I arrived exfil was outside and laughed in my face and said you aren't having him. I said I would dial 999 of he didn't return my son. He continued to taunt me, so I called the police. Whilst I was on the phone my daughter (15) went to ask her grandad for her brother. I turned around to see him holding both her arms and pulling her into the house. Bizarrely he then hit her with a walking stick in the stomach! He doesn't walk with a stick btw, so it was there in advance. 2 cars and a van turned up, lights and all. Went into the house, and my son wasn't there any more. He had been there literally 5 mins before, I spoke to him. The police tracked him down with my ex and recommended in the circumstances he return my son to me, which he did about 8pm.
So grandad is now being charged with assault (he is counter alleging that she kicked him and he will drop charges if my daughter does) and they have been told in no uncertain terms that they are not to collect him again as they may be charged.
I spoke with the manager of the after school club who has in turn spoken with the school head. We are meeting first thing tomorrow.

I'm so mad that this whole situation escalated because they allowed someone to use an old password. Their reason is that it remained valid as the exes password. Wtf was the point of changing mine if they were going to leave another on file, and then ignore the written request that the password is for emergencies only if both parents can't attend.
What should I expect from the meeting tomorrow. Should I be thinking about Ofsted. This time I got him back, next time (for me or another family) it could be worse.
Any thought appreciate right now, I'm completely overwhelmed with everything and not thinking straight.

Playing devils advocate, if you and your husband have these passwords, why do you have the right to override your husband? If you can give your password out to someone else why can't he?

I get. That dad can give permission too, but if that was the case the entire conversation and meeting we had was pointless. They should have told me it wouldn't actually change anything!

I think that this is the crux of the matter.

Was your husband ever physical with you?

Thanks leg

I think I will see what they have to say tomorrow. It's probably a case of pick your battles if I'm honest. When I'm on form, this would be dealt with swiftly, and reasonably, but I fear my state of mind at the moment would only back up the exes accusations of me being unstable. He would ask the school for a statement.

I have firmly made my mind up that I will never speak to my mum again ever. She has made her choice, and to be fair she was lucky to have her children back in her life at all. I do feel like it's a grieving process. I can't comprehend that level of disloyalty to your own flesh and blood. But we are all different I suppose.
I've really seen a darker side of human nature these past few months. All I wanted was to get out of a loveless sexless unhappy marriage, and for that I am made to suffer every single day. Yes I had a fling, but I hadn't had piv for years because he suffered with premature ejaculation which couldn't be discussed. But other than that, I really didn't deserve what has happened to me. I'm not a bad person, and yet I can think of maybe 10 days in the last 9months or so when I haven't been called a whore, a coke head, a cheating dirty cunt. He has been very very convincing. My neighbours even ignore me in the street. Yep, he knocked on doors and told them, well I don't know what he told them, just that they haven't spoke to me since.

Teatime 

Herecomes...
We were only supposed to have one password between us. Never had a need to give it to anyone since it changed, because I am always available to pick up if he isn't. It's not that I'm overriding anyone, just that the password only gets used if either parent can't make it. That situation hasn't, and shouldn't arise. I make sure now that I work close to home, and often work in the office at home. I'm self employed, so have the freedom to be available at short notice and to organise my own time and locations.

Because of them, your daughter was assaulted, your son was held from you - effectively kidnapped. I'd be thinking about legal action. I wouldn't send him to school until you've had it out with them. I'm sorry you have such vile, nasty in-laws.

And sorry, to answer your other question, was he ever physical with me.
In terms of hitting, no. In terms of pushing, shoving and highly aggressive behaviour yes. Too often. He is a lot bigger than me and loud. Really loud. He would scream in my face and I would just sit and take it. To my shame it took my daughter intervening to open my eyes to how bad it had got. She would front right up to him and he would back down. Then she would ask me why I couldn't do the same. Not in a nasty way, in a look mum, you can do it way.

how horrible OP. My ex not dissimilar so I empathise. The counter allegations are the worst probably, to keep you in fear. If you go to police, I'll say you did xyz and they'll believe me see, look at my credentials - then you'll be arrested/ etc, and never be able to work in your field again
(I did nothing, other than leave him)
It is so exhausting though and sounds like you're surrounded by this. Eurgh.
I'd say try not to talk too much in the meeting, just keep it very factual and explain there is a safeguarding problem with unauthorised access and police involvement and they must fulfil their duties properly while DS is there. But do stress how serious it is (without falling to pieces) You've been really strong and have done extremely well to get away, honestly.

Hope you are ok this morning op

The school checked with the father, who at the moment has equal rights, so they have not done anything wrong; you need to get the court orders in place ASAP.

Don't go in with all guns blazing; explain everything to them including the events that followed so they will understand your terror, and insist that all members of staff are informed. They will have encountered similar situations and are in a difficult place with regard to custody, so it is important to get them on your side.

Ask if there are any parental support agencies they could put you in touch with; you do need support and advice to get through this horrible situation.

Haven't read the whole thread but I would be effing furious!!
Really feel for you x

I'd be absolutely furious that school let this happen. They need to know exactly what happened and put steps in place to stop it happening again.

Pp are right though that your ex has parental responsibility so they can't stop him taking them or sending someone else like his parents.

You need to get a court order preventing you ex in-laws being able to pick your son up even if your ex says it's okay, because it clearly isn't.

Get a notebook for you and your dd and make sure you both write everything down including dates. Your dd shouldn't have to but she's being dragged in by your ex in-laws phoning her.

If you have smartphones there are apps you can download to record phone calls, get one and record every phone call from them and keep all other texts/emailsetc and take it to the police. Screen shot every comment on Facebook as soon as you see them so they can't be deleted and denied. Record all conversations with them if they're being abusive in person.

Don't contact the ex in-laws except to tell them to stop contacting you and that all future phone calls and conversations will be recorded.

It's horrible that you have to do this but the more evidence you have the more likely the court will listen and see that your ex is full of bull and you'll be able to protect your kids from them.

Thanks all.
I spoke with the head this morning who has agreed that there was at least some level of miscommunication. I didn't go in angry or anything, but did explain the situation and consequences clearly. We have agreed that a letter will be put together for both of us stating who can pick up and when and what will happen in an emergency situation. In hindsight it should have been written down anyway for everyone's sake.
I am applying for a non molestation order against the grandparents, and my daughter wants to go ahead with pressing charges. So more drama to come
I've had a good chat with my dad this morning and I feel a lot less isolated. Maybe the tide is turning and people will start to see the truth and that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. One can only hope!!

My family gushed to my (abusive) ex's side when I left him. They couldn't have been more extravagant in their adoration. It did my head right in and drove me into therapy - where I found out all about my toxic family.

You sound traumatised - par for the course with a lifetime of this. You also sound passive re 'i didn't go in all angry or anything ' when anger would be entirely appropriate in a situation like this. What they have done is very serious. But, as your dd said, why don't you do it like this /stand up to him /them mum? Because you've had a lifetime of it, of being forced into passivity.

IWant you come across as a very strong person who's being tested incredibly hard by your circumstances. Your DD sounds amazing and is a true credit to you.

You can always ring Samaritans (freephone 116 123) when things are getting on top of you. You don't have to be suicidal. The volunteers are there to listen and help you work out what your options are, help you clarify things in your mind and, if appropriate, sign post you to other agencies that might have more specialist knowledge. That does not mean instead of posting here, it can be as well as.

If, and when, you can try and write things down. It doesn't have to be chronological, in perfect English, etc. but it may help you purge some of the emotions and the thoughts that can go round and round in your head.

Take care...

Thanks springydaffs
Sorry to hear you had this also.

The upside is it has shown me who my real friends are (no one!) and has improved my relationship with my dad. He has really stepped up and been fiercely loyal.
The strange thing is, you are right about being passive and yet if I was to describe myself that would be the last word I would use. It isn't always easy to acknowledge these traits in ourselves I suppose.

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.
If you were near me I'd meet up for coffee (well tea).
Ive not been through anything like you have but since having my son and making new friendsthrough him and finding a hobby I realised how being lonely felt - and I have a decent family around me and a partner so I don't know how you are coping with all of this on your own :(

Holy shit! And I say that as a teacher that works at a school with a few cases like this!

It is absolutely unacceptable.

I wouldn't send him back until a more secure plan is in place. Personally it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to ask them to call you and check every time someone other than you picks up.

I also think you sound strong. But worn down. Not surprising

IMO (and ime) you can pussyfoot around doing the decent thing but you may as well go straight for the jugular. It saves time (and your mental health).

I'm so sorry he is so horrific. In a way it's a blessing (mine was far too clever, sadly - you couldn't get him on anything at all) because you can get the bastard. Just the tiny amount you've told us has shown him and his lot breaking laws left and right.