To be frightened of my husband simply because of the contempt in his voice?

[ConchettaFeta]

It makes me go weak and just want to run.
It was about something v small, texting during a tv show when he said he didn't mind and that an earlier tongue lashing for doing that had been teasing. I just went straight to bed (separate). He is the ever patient husband in front of friends and family and I am the exhausted, slightly controlling, slightly paranoid one. It's not so much the volume of his attacks ( not quite shouting) but the contempt and the drilling relentlessness of the way he tells me what I have done wrong. I have been trying really hard to keep this marriage going as we have a toddler but I'm really struggling.

He's a two-faced bastard. Charming and friendly to those on the outside but an abusive prick at home. He knows precisely what he's doing and it won't get better.

Make secret plans to get away from him before he completely erodes your self-confidence because it will get worse.

You're afraid of him. He is not your ally and supporter, he's a monster in disguise. Your enemy

And don't be scared about all the crap he will give you about access to your toddler- it's a load of old flannel. Read a lot, start putting money away and speak to friends in rl about it x

What you describe is pychological abuse. It is a form of domestic violence.

When you are able, ring women's aid. They will help you process your thoughts.

Thinking of you this morning op, and refyroo- hope you are both OK.

Thanks lady Lorina and everyone else who took the time to advise me- there's so much I want to ask about but worried about him somehow seeing my posts or someone who knows him... Can you tell me what to read in terms of divorce/ custody? I am lucky enough to own most of our home and things in it but it would take time to sell and he would remain stubbornly I'm sure. I am also afraid of the shame; everyone had a high opinion of him. Mostly i am afraid of my son blaming me and destroying what should be a happy family unit. Can any single mums who have been through this describe their lives now? Also what documents etc should I gather in preparation for a divorce?

Conchetta I am going through this at the moment. I left 3 Months ago and my life is immeasurablely more peaceful and happy. I was worried about everything you describe.

1. Name change frequently. Change your mn password. Never put anything directly identifiable on a thread. Keep it generic - you could be anyone.
2. Family law had changed and it's not all bad. Please google and contact rights of women, which is a free telephone service run by family solicitors volunteering their time. They will give you sound legal advice and help you to plan.
3. Toxic contemptuous marriages ruin childhoods. You know what is best for your child.
4. No one else has to live in your marriage. You do. Only you decide if it is something you wish to maintain.

My life now is peaceful and occasionally painful as I try to navigate shared care and keeping my children's best interests first.
I do miss my family unit when it was happy- I do not miss the fear, panic and frantic pleasing I did most days to avoid a tongue lashing. Keep strong, remember who you are

Also, best advice I received for this... be as generous as you can towards your h, especially in respect of enabling their good relationship with their child.

Good luck ConchettaFeta. I am not married to one but had exes like this and seem to attract people who treat me like this too. That feeling that you have is enough. That is enough reason to leave. It is not ok to make you feel like this and he is not good for you or your son. Run away. Fast.

I'd recommend reading the Lundy Bancroft book - Why Does He Do That?
It will really help you see this for what it is.
If you are able then please do get away from him
This must be horrible for you.

Also, from the advice I was given by a legal aid solicitor (eventually I had to make a police report which meant I could access one for a flat fee of 50 quid) I don't really need to get divorced. Financially I am not tied to him, and living separately is a separation. After 2 years I can apply for a non adversarial divorce. I was told the courts are sympathetic to marriage breakdown so no need to feel as though you have to 'prove' how awful heis. Same with access to children - the emphasis is on keeping the relationship going with both parents and you would need to argue strongly in court that you felt he was a danger to your child before access was denied. I accept the rationale behind this and wish for my kids to have the best relationship with him, which entails spending plenty of time in his home. Horrendously painful for me, but best for them as he has never posed a threat to them and loves them very much.
So I'm leaving divorce to one side at the moment while I concentrate on settling my kids in our new home and negotiating shared care. It feels a lot less stressful to me, and I don't feel ready yet.

My best friend had a husband like this. He was horrible at times in private but an angel in front of others. In her case his contempt for her escalated.

After 7 years of marriage he met another woman and slowly started poisoning the wine and insisted my friend have a glass every night. He would even pretend to drink the same wine - or just pour from another bottle.

When she collapsed (thankfully it was in front of her parents) they rushed her to hospital and the doctor asked why she tried to kill herself. She then realised what her husband had done.

To this day I don't know why she didn't call the police and have him arrested for attempted murder. She just let it go and filed for divorce.