To not want a house full of guests with a newborn?

[strandedabroad]

I feel like a horrible ungrateful cow. But here it goes.

My whole family lives overseas. They don't speak English. I get on really well with all of them - DParents, sisters and their husbands. They come over as couples/small groups once/twice a year. DH and I visit them once/twice a year. We always put them up here when they visit, and they do the same. All good.

I'm expecting my first DC in the summer. First grandchild and niece/nephew for them all so it's a big deal. Also we're from a culture where family is very tight/intense (southern Europe). I've lived in the UK for ages and I find that attitude a little suffocating now.

AIBU to dread their visits when the baby is here? I had to have a chat with my mum to make her see that it's not ok to book a flight for a few days before the baby is born. That could mean they're here for 2-3 weeks before the baby is here. Or the baby could be early and it would be bad timing altogether. Also I want some peace and quiet for the last few days before I give birth, and DH and I want some family time before they descend on us. They've now said they'll come over as soon as the baby is born - hopefully I'll be able to say I need a couple of days to recover. I can't expect them to fly up for 2-3 days only - it'll be a minimum of a week, I expect. We used to have 2 spare rooms but one is now the nursery, so we can only comfortably host 2 of them, plus 2 on an inflatable in the lounge. They might all come at different times which could mean 3 x 1 week. DH doesn't speak a word of our language. I get quite stressed when they visit as I spend all my time translating. I never manage to enjoy my meals or whatever we're doing as I'm doing all the talking/explaining/negotiating culture differences. Also we live rurally and unless they rent a car, DH and I have to do all the driving.

Normally I just put up with it and overall I enjoy their visits, although I'm knackered when they leave. I can see I will get really stressed with a newborn in the mix.

AIBU to wish they booked the B&B down the road and perhaps got a hire car? I really don't know how I can suggest this without them taking offence. I feel so ungrateful as well - I'm pretty sure DM will be a huge help both with the baby and household chores. DSis is a nursery nurse. DDad is getting on a bit and finds this country a tad confusing but he's wonderful with DDog, for example - one less thing for me to do when they're here.

Shall I try and focus on the positives? Is there a way I can make my life easier in this scenario? I will of course grit my teeth through it all. It's my family and they've supported me throughout my life. The very least I can do is offer a bed for them to see their first grandchild when he/she's a few days old. I just wish it wasn't so intense and 24/7.

Any advice welcome. Sorry for the essay!

Can you tell them do not book anything until the baby is here? You might find they natually help you and make life easier not harder.

What coukd you manage as a compromise?

Maybe just your parents staying over and any extras stay at a b&b near by or does DH have any family nearby willing to put your visitors up?

What about you arranging and paying for the hire car?

On the positive side, My neighbours are from 2 different continents, her parents arrived a couple of days before the baby came, stayed 2 weeks and then his parents arrived! She said it has been a really nice time, both sets of parents have given them their space but have also been a great help!

You need to start advocating for yourself and your family.

Just tell everyone No Visitors for X Weeks/Months, No Exceptions.

I had my mum stay Mon-Fri then my in laws the week after. I think it has really helped my relationships with them, of course there have been times when I got a bit annoyed but mostly I was glad for the help with housework, lifting stuff/driving places as I had an EMCS , the company and the reassurance- I am quite anxious for a variety of reasons I won't go into here and talking things through has helped me not feel so isolated.

Tell them they have to stay at a hotel. This was the major stumbling block to me having DCs, I wouldn't have wanted my DM anywhere near me for the first 18 years.

Thanks all.

It's very interesting to hear all the different stories and points of view. I'm glad other people have experienced the infamous Italian mamma - I thought I would look like a spineless pushover. (I possibly am a bit of a pushover but once things are ingrained in your cultural mindset it's very difficult to break free).

I spoke to DH and had a good cry about it (hormones!!). He's happy with whatever makes me comfortable, which is helpful. I think I will speak to my sisters - they will understand and help keep my mum at bay. I'll make sure they all know that DH and I will want 1-2 weeks to ourselves before they can look at booking a flight. I think I'd be happy with a short stay here at that point, or a slightly longer one in a hotel. I will then try to fly to them in the autumn (or we will go at Christmas if that's not practical).

As for DH learning Italian, that's been a bone of contention in the last few years. He has tried. A friend gave us/him an evening language course as wedding present - he could only manage some classes unfortunately as he often works away. He's very linguistically challenged - he's wonderful in many ways and a very smart/practical man, but he just doesn't get languages or the grammar around them. It's become a bit of a joke and I've kind of given up. The plan is for me to speak to the baby in Italian as much as possible, and hopefully DH will pick up some of it in the process.

Oriunda I'm so glad I'm not giving birth or bringing up this baby in Italy. Your poor SIL. And your poor boob!

Newyear thanks for the tip re: insurance - I shall investigate further.

Nightpiano DM is lovely and we really do get on BUT she likes to have her own way and can be quite pushy. I usually handle it ok but I worry that I won't have the energy at that time.

Future visits should be ok - I think I'll be glad for the extra hands/babysitting once DC is a little older, and if we have more children they would take the eldest out etc. Both parents are very capable although DF is 70. I also worry that my dad won't be around for a whole lot longer and I don't want him to miss out :-(

Thanks all for the support!

Quick update: I spoke to my mum and sisters today on Whatsapp (we have a group chat there where we talk about anything). My Mum seemed to get what I was saying - but a few minutes later I got a separate message from one of my sisters saying I was quite rude and Mum was offended and she was too. How can I not want them there straight after the birth, they're family etc. Apparently I'm depriving Mum of the one thing she's looking forward to at the moment. Oh dear :-(

Oh op I'm so sorry this has happened,
This really isn't on:

Apparently I'm depriving Mum of the one thing she's looking forward to at the moment. Oh dear

This is what MIL tried to pull with us.

You are not having a baby to please other people- remember that. Not your mother, your sisters, not anyone. Your priority is yourself and your baby and you do not/will not need all this stress from your family.

I know you have been brought up this way but this is the one time in your life were its ok to be selfish.

Such entitled behavior from your family...

And they are trying to deprive you of the one thing you and your husband are looking forward to??!
Do what makes you happy you will never get that time back xx

I think you just need to be firm and state "If we lived within day visiting distance it would be different, but we don't. Plus I don't want to be deprived of the one thing we've looked forward too - a few precious weeks of time just the three of us to bond"

Grr

Gosh this sounds so smothering!

I would maybe reply to the private message "Mum seemed to understand. Im not trying to withold anything - im simply trying to guve myself time and space to recover from the birth and I will no doubt be all over the place emtionally. I want to have you all come and stay, but I wont be able to do that so soon after the birth. I will need rest"

Hi stranded, I had this situation with DS1. Actually I had my mother over for a few days beforehand to come to hospital with me if DH couldn't get off work and she stayed for a week or so after the birth, making cups of tea etc. Rest of family including ILs came over for a long weekend a month or so later. The main thing was that everyone mucked in. I do think this is a situation where MN isn't perhaps quite attuned to the cultural sensibilities: in many places putting a blanket ban on visits for X weeks / months would cause a major family rift, which presumably wouldn't do much for the OP's peace of mind either.

Thank you.

Ahhh I feel so guilty. Louche you've hit the nail on the head - families are so much closer together in some countries. I was very open and said 'can we wait until the baby is born for you guys to book a flight, at least we will know if I need a few days to recover/need stitches etc., and it will give DH and I a chance to rest and bond with the baby.' But it didn't go down well. I presume my sister knows that Mum is upset as she spoke to her. I will phone Mum tonight - doing this on a chat message probably wasn't the best way...

stranded I imagine you know perfectly well that there was nothing wrong in what you said - the issue isn't that you were rude, but that your DM is upset at not getting her own way

I realize family traditions are important, but this seems as good a time as any to establish some new boundaries about the way things are going to be. Unless you want a constant battle on your hands it's probably worth standing firm, though with lots of positive and loving comments about how much you'll look forward to seeing them a few weeks later. Either she'll get used to it or she won't - but her behaviour is a matter for her and not really something which is under your control

Op I really feel for you. Our first dc is due in November, and I have a dh from a different but very family orientated culture where mum/mil is present for the birth and stays for months after to help.

My in laws are several thousand miles away, which means any visit is for a minimum of two weeks. I love them both dearly but I know myself and know that being sandwiched on the sofa between MIL and FIL whilst still bleeding and trying to establish breastfeeding is a fast track to pnd.

The approach I have taken is to say I would like them to come but I need a minimum of two weeks with dh and the baby before they do. This in practice means they will book flights for 4 weeks after my due date. I feel dreadful that they are going to miss out on meeting their tiny new grandchild, but I have to put myself first. Luckily they seem to understand and I think expected this as am from totally different culture.

Which is the next point I am going to make- this is your husbands baby too. What does he want? I can imagine a ton of female relatives descending could leave him and his parents feeling quite pushed out of joint.

Ultimately I think you have to remember you are not in charge of anyone else's feelings. Your mum has had her turn at having her babies, now it is your go and it is not up to you to keep her happy. I have promised to go to dhs home country when on mat leave and stay for a month so they will have lots of time with baby when a bit older and dare I say it more interesting/fun then a newborn, would it help the situation if you offered to do similar?

Good luck with it all, I hope you work something out.

I don't have much advice to you, but just wanted to say that I am in a very similar situation. I'm due at the very end of May and just after Christmas my DM and DStepF booked a three/four week trip ariving 2 days after my due date.

I made it clear that we didn't have room for them to stay with us (we are in the midst of renovations so there is no spare room other than the lounge which doesn't have any curtains) so they are staying in a hotel nearbye.

I also have the same concerns as you about them wanting to help but without a car it's not like they can pop to the shops. I am also worried about not having given birth on time and their disappointment if there isn't a baby by the time they arrive. DM has made some strange comments so I also think there are some unrealistic expectations (unless she knows something I don't) about when the baby will be here i.e. saying she wanted to be here for the two weeks after DH finished his paternity leave but then booking her trip potentially two weeks before the baby might arrive!

On a practical front, there's no reason why they can't hire a car. DH is Italian but has a UK licence and there's no problem or cost implication him hiring a car in Italy or vice versa when his brothers come over.

Do ensure they don't come until your DH' paternity leave is over - otherwise their visit may ruin a very special time for him and is also pointless. Maximise having help by having it staggered - not everyone coming at the same time.

Oh - and speak to your baby in Italian all the time unless your DH is around and then use English. When your child starts nursery/school their English will soon catch up. My friends who have the minority language as their mother tongue seem to have more success with their children being bilingual, as opposed to my DS who understands Italian but won't speak it yet, due to him spending the majority of his time with me speaking English.

Its really tricky op, and I understand that family traditions are important particularly in the culture you were raised.

But if its not what you want don't allow it to happen. You have your own family now and you can make your own traditions.

I wish I could make you stop feeling guilty. I'm annoyed on your behalf - how dare they guilt you. This is YOUR baby.