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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish DD would help out more?

22 replies

TooManyButtons · 02/05/2016 18:07

Dd is 18. It's just me and her since I split up with my partner earlier this year. She's lovely, and great company, but good god she's lazy around the house.

She's finishing her last year at school, and is there 4 x half days a week. She also has a Saturday job as a waitress. On top of her wages she gets her child benefit each month, at least £50 from her grandad, plus I pay for her phone and give her £15 a week for her bus pass/snacks at school. I'm also expected to give her a lift home from work (1.5 miles away) if she doesn't fancy waiting for the bus.

Her only contribution towards the housework is to occasionally hoover upstairs, approx once a fortnight. (She won't do downstairs, or mop, as she doesn't like doing it) Now and again she'll walk the dogs. But that's it. I've been off work with stress for the past few weeks and to be honest don't feel refreshed at all, mainly because I've just been stuck in a constant cycle of housework.

Every week I ask her for suggestions of what meals to cook that week - she'll just shrug and say whatever, until I serve her her meal then she'll tut and say she doesn't like it. I'm not hungry tonight and tbh just fancy toast, but I know if I don't cook her a meal she'll flounce around and give me the silent treatment all night.

Aibu to think DD is getting a pretty good deal and should start doing more?

OP posts:

Twinkie1 · 02/05/2016 18:11

CB goes on paying a cleaner and you buy her a couple of loaves of bread and a tub of marge. When she moans tell her to suck it up.

Dakin1 · 02/05/2016 18:13

YANBU but if she's in her last year at school I assume she is about to sit her A Levels in a couple of weeks? It's probably not the best time to nag her about chores. I would wait until exams are over and then say as she's no longer at school she needs to help out more.

Original poster

TooManyButtons · 02/05/2016 18:18

Yes she is heading towards exam season - but she's only doing 1 A level - the rest of her courses are coursework based which she's finished, plus she's got an unconditional offer for university so she's not revising as furiously as she could be!

OP posts:

lovelilies · 02/05/2016 18:22

Imo she should
Do laundry
Sort own things/room
Do some bathroom cleaning
All hoovering when required
Wash up
Cook a few meals

I was in the army at just 18, then had my own flat after that.

Dakin1 · 02/05/2016 18:33

Is she going away to uni or staying at home? If she's going away she's not going to be popular with her new housemates! I would talk to her when she's in a good mood and say you are tired and need more help around the house. If she doesn't cooperate then you can withhold the CB money until she's done her chores.

BrandNewAndImproved · 02/05/2016 18:36

God she's taking the piss right out of you.

Why are you slaving away and why do you care if she flounces. Let her flounce she'll soon turn it around when she doesn't want to wait for the bus again.

blondieblondie · 02/05/2016 18:41

I can't believe you think you're the unreasonable one. She's a spoilt little madam and you're her mum, not her slave. My 11 year old does more than her and gets a fiver a week. Let her give you the silent treatment, and in return, keep her CB money.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/05/2016 18:43

Yes, she is taking the piss but then I'm assuming she's never been expected to do her fair share in the past. At the very least she should be doing her own laundry and keeping her room clean.

Oh, and she's getting far too much money. Why is she getting the child benefit plus £15 a week and her phone paid for? She's got a Saturday job: that should be her pocket money unless you're rolling in it.

NapQueen · 02/05/2016 18:44

OP you are choosing to collect her from work.
You are choosing to cook for her.
You are choosing to give her so much money.
You are choosing to do chores that benefit her only.

She is a product of your creation.

Dragongirl10 · 02/05/2016 18:48

YANBU

At 18 she is an adult and should share 50% of the housework. How will she manage once she is working full time, and living independantly if she does not start now?
By being rather nice and soft on her you are not doing her any favours, she needs to learn how to budget, look after a home, plan meals etc.......ideally before holding down a full time job or it will be chaos when she does have to.

She has much more time now than she will in the future, also being selfish to you is not nice, nor is a bad attitude. Time to say enough.

Stripedduvet · 02/05/2016 18:53

I feel bad now because I didn't do anything to help at home when I was 18, and I was one of 5 kids! My parents were very soft.
I think your DD will benefit from learning how to plan meals / food shopping / cooking. She shouldn't be mean to you if she's unhappy about something.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2016 19:33

That alone would make me withdraw all labour and favours.

You need a long chat about fair division of labour and I'd also have a long think about budgets too. Am I right, she's getting about £200 per month plus wages and tips?

Dizzydodo · 02/05/2016 19:39

Why on earth is she getting the child benefit money?

Original poster

TooManyButtons · 02/05/2016 19:50

Nanny0gg Yes that's the amount she's getting. She gets her CB to buy clothes with. I buy her essential toiletries, deodorant, shampoo etc but anything else she has to pay for. I'm a nurse so not on a huge salary.

OP posts:

Lucyccfc · 02/05/2016 19:56

My 10 year old does more than your DS!

You really are enabling her to be lazy. You have 2 choices here.

Sit her down and tell her what you expect from her. She does her own laundry, cooks half the meals and cleans half the house every week. You stop giving her lifts and she buys her own toiletries.

You let her carry on taking the piss and you put up with it.

katsopolis · 02/05/2016 20:01

She needs to grow up.

Im only 2 years older than her. Ive worked 36 hours over today yesterday and Saturday also as a waitress and ive just got home and need to clean, cook my dinner and do my laundry so I have uniform tomorrow.

Pander to her and she will stay a child. I know if I had someone who did it all for me I certainly wouldn't. Im sure your trying to avoid the argument but this sounds like an ongoing thing and you need to tell her to get on with it.

HormonalHeap · 02/05/2016 21:24

My dd 18 very much like yours. In fact yours does more, mine wouldn't even know where to find the hoover.

Like you, I ask her what she fancies for dinner, always 'nothing'. She's recently discovered cooking though, and if I leave her basic ingredients in the fridge, she'll happily cook for us too. Would this be worth a try? I WANT to cook for my dd though, as she'll be off soon.

She doesn't lift a finger as do none of her friends, but to all those who say she won't be able to manage in life.. that's simply not true. My parents were soft with me and db, never any chores, as much money as we needed whilst studying and guess what? I managed fine when I left home.

Cloudstasteofmash · 02/05/2016 21:38

op my dd is 21 this year and she was/is the same.

I think when your a SP you tend to over compensate to try and make everything ok.

I ended up with a spoilt princess who thought cleaning & cooking was beneath her. Oh she is charming and great company when she is happy and knows how to play the game well.

Dd 1 has just moved out and tbh I was going a jig after she went.

stop doing her laundry. You are not doing her any favours.
stop doing her cooking. You are not doing her any favours.

I wish I had been a lot firmer with her but it was just natural for me to pander to her but it really taught her that she didn't have to do shit and that I was a mug. She was incredibly entitled and still is.

This kids honestly don't know they are born and don't let the fact she is still studying be a reason just she is getting away with it.

She is a legal adult

Alexa444 · 02/05/2016 21:42

Sorry but I'm going to be a little harsh. Wtf are you letting her get away with this? She is 18! She works! Stop treating your adult daughter like a child. She can pay her own phone, spending money and bus pass! Welcome to the real world princess, you pay your way. When she finishes school she should be paying you rent too. At 18 I was paying all my own stuff, travel and phone off £30 a week ema. She should be doing her share of the cleaning. If you hoover downstairs, she does upstairs, weekly. She cooks 3 days a weej and whoever doesn't cook does dishes. If you clean the kitchen, she does the bathroom.

HormonalHeap · 02/05/2016 22:47

I think it very much depends on the family set up. For example for a family with a cleaner or live in help, do you single out the 18yo for chores just for the sake of it?

I know some people will think it crazy but I want my home to be a happy place, a sanctuary for my kids/adult kids where we demand respect and hard work in whatever they are committed to, but When I DO ask them a favour, because there's no resentment, I usually don't have a problem! They'll soon find out when they leave home they either clean or work hard enough to pay for a cleaner!

corythatwas · 03/05/2016 00:02

I have never expected much in the way of chores from my dd as she has a painful and weakening joint condition which makes her very tired.

But during her years in Sixth form, this was her deal:

£30 montly allowance out of which she was supposed to keep herself in clothes + phone money

we kept the child benefit (to feed her, pay the gas that kept her warm etc etc)

we paid for bus pass, but no option of lifts from school (and only from other activities if late in the evening/inaccessible by bus)

meals were served and no one forced to eat them, but rudeness not accepted

she had to wash up once a week (no dishwasher)

Now she has left college and is working and the deal is:

she has to cook one meal a week (and pay for it)

she has to pay a percentage of her wages, but we make it quite small as she is saving up for higher education

we expect her to chip in with chores if asked

she has to get herself to work- not because we are mean or have principles, but because I can't drive and her dad has long commute+gets very tired: I don't think it is fair to risk his health over this

she has to make sure her own uniform gets washed, but we do expect her to fill the machine with other laundry at the same time and not run it uneconomically with just her stuff

we expect her not to be rude but to behave like an adult

This is a happy place, but that is because we think about everybody's wellbeing and don't make more sacrifices than we can manage ungrudgingly.

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2016 18:31

Your DD is 'earning' more than one of my DC when they started full-time work! And they did their own ironing and helped around the house!

If you want to pander to her that's up to you (I wouldn't!) but the very least you deserve in return is civility. And you're not even getting that.

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