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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I am being unreasonable.

52 replies

Oreganoooo · 29/04/2016 05:25

We are decorating our bedroom and sleeping in the lounge Confused whilst the decorating gets sorted - it has been 3 weeks of putting a mattress on the floor to sleep which is not ideal because I am waiting for an operation and in pain most days.

DH is handy with DIY and has done most of the decorating. I've helped out where I can but due to ongoing pain and a toddler to chase after I've not done as much decorating as DH.

We had planned to do decorating in evenings and at weekends but half the time DH has decided he is "too tired" and to watch TV and drink beer until gone midnight.

We have carpet fitters coming tomorrow and the skirting boards are not on the wall. DH promised to get this sorted before the carpet arrives. He knows I'm desperate to get back into the bedroom because sleeping in the lounge is uncomfortable.

Last night he went out and got the usual beers and I asked him not to stay up too late as we have things to do today. These renovations have been dragged out across 3 weekends leaving me in sole charge of a toddler and trying to manage a painful condition. I wanted to get it bloody finished

DH has just come to bed (5am) after drinking 8 beers. He is pissed as a fart and our toddler will be up at 6am sharp.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

I tried to challenge him on this but he said it was his "long weekend" and he wanted to enjoy himself. Apparently I am being unreasonable for wanting him to:

A) Stay sober in case I have to go back to the hospital in the middle of the night

B) For wanting him to do what he said he would do

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 29/04/2016 08:38

Didn't mean you thought it was an excuse either RJ Smile

ClopySow · 29/04/2016 10:03

Oh. I didn't mean it as an excuse either.

NeedACleverNN · 29/04/2016 10:04

Or you cloppy Grin

harshbuttrue1980 · 29/04/2016 10:56

Going against the grain here, but to be honest I think you're being a bit unreasonable. It sounds more like you are his boss than his partner, trying to push him to do the work on your schedule. You "want to get it bloody finished", but have excuses as to why you can't help. You have admitted that you haven't helped much with the work, so maybe he feels resentful that you are constantly pushing him and making him give his evenings and weekends to it after he's been at work? Did he actually want to do the work, or was it you who wanted the improvements?

Sounds to me like you have 3 options:

  1. He does the work by himself on HIS time, taking the breaks he feels he needs
  2. You do the work together, with you getting stuck in too. You can work hard together and then have a rest together when you both need it
or 3. You admit that neither of you enjoy DIY and hire someone to do it - no shame in this!

I don't agree with the traditional attitude that all men love DIY and should be responsible for it - if this was true, then should all women love hoovering?? If neither of you are keen, then buy in some help, even if this means postponing it while you save up.

I'll probably get flamed for this view, but I'm not someone who thinks the woman is always in the right.

BYOSnowman · 29/04/2016 11:05

Harsh - the op is in pain while she waits for an operation and has said she has helped where she can

This isn't about him having to do it because he's the man

op - could you set up abed in your sons room?

wonkylampshade · 29/04/2016 11:11

Are you the same op whose DH wanted his mate to stay the night recently?

GinaBambino · 29/04/2016 11:17

Not BU at all. we've totally re-decorated our house in 6 weeks, despite both of us working full time and me being pregnant. Dp has done the majority of it and we've had tradesman in for carpets, bathroom, electrics etc but 3 weeks is a long time especially when you are in pain and need a proper bed!
He needs to get a grip and realise he is being an idiot. As PP have said, speak to him when he's sober and try and get him to see you're POV. You're not being bossy, just realistic.

ClopySow · 29/04/2016 12:34

What? She's in pain and waiting to get back in to a proper bed? And she's not doing enough.

Shite.

harshbuttrue1980 · 29/04/2016 12:35

BYO, I can see that point of view. However, I still think its U for the OP to stand over her DH cracking the whip when he clearly isn't interested. I do know couples where the woman decides that the house needs to be redecorated, and where the woman then expects the man to do it all. It seems a bit silly to organise a major household project if there is a scheduled operation coming up.

If neither partner is interested in doing the physical work, then it isn't fair for one of them to be forced into doing it themselves. Hiring a tradesman is the best solution rather than squabbling over it.

GinaBambino · 29/04/2016 12:48

Surely though OP thought the bedroom would be done well before her operation? How do you know it wasn't both their decision to re-decorate?
A bedroom unless it needed re-plastering, should take a week, depending on what it was like before and what it was being changed to. i.e wallpaper to paint or vice versa. It definitely should not take 3 weeks (even doing it after work/weekends) and if he didn't want to do it, he could have used some of his beer money to pay for a decorator.

Even after work when we've been shattered, we've cracked on and done what we needed to do because we had to...this OP's DH needs to think about his wife and child rather than himself and his beer.

harshbuttrue1980 · 29/04/2016 17:52

But its clear that NEITHER of them, for whatever reason, want to do the manual work of the redecoration. And that's totally fair enough! Not every bloke likes DIY in the same that not every woman likes ironing. Gina, you said even though WE'VE been shattered, WE'VE cracked on". This is a totally different scenario to this poor bloke who's ended up having to do it all on his own. If the OP can't help, then money needs to come out of the family budget to pay someone who can help. Its totally unfair to expect him to do all this single handedly. Also, even if he does do it on his own, he shouldn't have a partner dictating to him when it should be done. Nothing wrong with someone, male or female, wanting to chill out and have a drink when they get home from work.

ImperialBlether · 29/04/2016 18:01

And drink until 5 am while his wife has to sleep on the floor when she's in pain? Are you serious, harshbuttrue?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 29/04/2016 18:07

Your DH is an arse and I'd be fuming.

Call the carpet fitters and explain the problem with the skirting board and see what they suggest. If they can fit the carpet without it, then call a handyman and book them to come in and fit the skirting. Get a decorator to do the rest if necessary.

Then I think you need to have a good look at your relationship with DH and where to go now. I'd consider counselling if you think that might be helpful, even if he won't go.

Friendlystories · 29/04/2016 18:23

Any partner who gave a shit would be sorting this for someone they loved who was in pain, due an op in a few days time and stressing that they would not have a bed to come home from hospital to. Whether that meant doing it themselves (rather than getting pissed and putting it off, causing their DP more stress) or paying someone else to do it (sure his beer money would have covered it). This isn't about OP 'cracking the whip', it's about her DP having some care and consideration for her, not an unreasonable ask whichever way you look at it.

44PumpLane · 29/04/2016 19:01

YANBU- it would be a different matter if you had an extra bedroom you could be staying in. Then the 3 weeks would be a bit annoying but not a huge inconvenience, but 3 weeks on a mattress in the lounge is ridiculous even without the back issues.

Is there any way you could pay a friend/relative/local handyman to come in and finish the job for you? If you just take charge and get it sorted you may feel better, if he whinges just tell him he's had ample time over 3 weeks to decorate the room so he can lump it!

Pinkheart5915 · 29/04/2016 19:02

yanbu in the slightest

redexpat · 29/04/2016 19:07

If your finances can cope then get someone in during the day when he is at work.

Then have a long hard think about whether you wish to stay married to him.

Herschellmum · 29/04/2016 19:08

Our entire house is a renovation so my husband had to fit it in like that there are weeks where nothing gets done, however, I would be fuming if I were in your shoes. 3 weeks of it not being done is a long time. Our bedroom took a while but we have a guest room so it was fine until we had guest (then a mad rush to get it all done lol).

Do they need painted as well as fitted? If it was me I would delay the carpet but I can understand that not being an option in your circumstances. Hugs, hope he gets his butt in gear soon.

artlessflirt · 29/04/2016 19:15

YANBU, OP. He sounds utterly childish. I would be fuming if my DP spent the night drinking on the sofa and then got into bed at 5am. It's selfish.

As for the DIY, he should have acted like an adult and said that he wasn't up for it. Or at least at the beginning said "Actually, this is going to be too difficult with you being in pain and me tired after work so why don't we get some help?". But no, he makes empty promises and then acts like a petulant child.

If it were me I'd get someone in to finish the decorating and check into a hotel for the duration. Let him sleep on the floor and you enjoy some comfort before your op.

GinaBambino · 29/04/2016 23:04

harsh I see your point, I really do and I completely get that if Op and DH didn't want to do it together or alone, they should have hired someone but I'm pregnant not waiting for an op and we had a house with a bed to go back to every night.

harshbuttrue1980 · 30/04/2016 09:07

But can't a bed be put back into the bedroom in the meantime?? Not having a carpet or prettily painted walls is NOT going to have any impact whatsoever on the OP's health. The OP and her DH need to discuss a way to get the renovations done that doesn't involve one of them doing the manual work if neither of them are interested in doing it. Lots of women have these fantasies that every man is a macho man who loves doing DIY, but tbh, lots of men hate it as much as women do.

But, its mumsnet and the man is always in the wrong, so...
"LTB. Any man who doesn't jump to do your bidding isn't worthwhile. As soon as you say you want the house to be redecorated, he should do it on his own, immediately, and to the standard that you desire. DIY is a man's job (although ironing isn't a woman's job because every woman should have a cleaner and its financial abuse for a man not to provide this), and a man who can't do DIY is a waste of space. And having a drink with his mates?? How bloody dare he! He has a wife, he doesn't need mates." :-/

CaptainCrunch · 30/04/2016 09:17

Lol, goady fucker alert. Pathetic attempt harsh, gave me a larf though.

Op I think the major issue is your dh is drinking excessively. Take the bedroom renovation out of the equation and you still have a serious problem with your relationship.

There's no point in discussing it when he's still drunk. But you do need to discuss it very soon.

Oysterbabe · 30/04/2016 09:35

He's an alcoholic. No reasonable person gets drunk on their own in the house with their wife and child.

JayDot500 · 30/04/2016 09:37

I was just gonna say 'argggggghh that so annoying!' until I read that he'd called you a stupid bitch Blush. Sorry.

I think it's time to sit back and let him stress himself out about the house. I've recently had my carpets fitted. These guys aren't going to hang around if everything is in place for them to begin. Do you have an alternative place to stay post-op? If by that time your house is not in order because of him, leave him there until it is.

AyeAmarok · 30/04/2016 09:44

He has a drinking problem.

IMO, anyone who sits and drinks on their own frequently has a drink problem. I cannot understand why anyone would do that. Where's the fun? You sit on your own, talking to nobody, feeling a bit woozy and then roll into bed and wake up with a hangover? Confused You've not even had a good night to show for the headache and expense. It's so bizarre.

And his drink problem is making him a selfish, aggressive arse and a shit father and husband.

If I were you I'd want him to cut out the drinking completely.