to get annoyed about positivity?

[GreenGoth89]

I was brought up with complementary medicine and conventional...I used the odd bit here and there as I got older but decided I didn't think all of it worked - at least for me, at that time, don't get me wrong there are bits I still swear by - aromatherapy is awesome for stress. 5 years ago i got diagnosed with a chronic health condition which has caused me to have a lot of health difficulties, and since then I've tried (in conjunction with what the GP/consultants etc have offered, which also on the whole haven't helped in some cases have actually harmed me) a lot of different things and when they do work they're often too expensive to continue but when they don't I'm not thinking positively enough about making a substantial change in my life. I am a pragmatist not an eternal optimist but this kind of attitude really reeks of salesmanship or blaming the client! AIBU or is this just poor craftsman blaming their tools sort of situation?

YANBU.

i lived asia a few years back. two of the girls there - let's call them christine and jenny, who were in in my group of friends, were annoyingly positive to the point of, well, utter insensitivity. real "up and at them" types. jenny should have had more sensitivity, seeing as her mum committed suicide a few years before. jenny organises all these charity events to commemorate her mum which is very commendable, but she really lacks empathy for others.

jenny was saying one night when we were out that one of her asian colleagues had gone off on her and had yelled at her for being "so moody" at work. i'd well believe it. jenny is all bouncy and smiles but moody as fuck on the other hand. i was shocked that an asian colleague would be driven to lose her temper with a western colleague because to lose one's temper in asia is to "lose face". but then jenny is very trying.

one of the other girls, lets call her Sandra, well, her father died suddenly in her home country while we were all abroad. it was awful. sandra had to fly back home overseas to bury him. not long after she came back, she lost a very much loved ring and was pretty upset about it. christine and jenny were very unsympathetic and were bitching about her being down, behind her back.

not long at all after we all went home when our contracts ended, jenny's sibling committed suicide, leaving behind a partner and a young kid. jesus.

christine recently had a baby. she has quite a temper on her and is easily riled. i do feel a bit sorry for the kid. that kid will never be allowed a down day.

positivity can grate and sometimes people need to be allowed to grieve or feel down. those two bitches would tell you to "smile!!!!!" in hell.

Your story's revealing, I think, Al. It's interesting that both women are moody & temperamental, despite their intolerance of other people's less than joyful feelings. It feels a little bit like a cult religion - everyone must adopt the prescribed mindset at all times or the world will cave in (or something!) - but also suggests these two are actually covering up horrible, scary inner lives. Their insistence that everybody else joins in their cover-up could be part of a desperate effort to escape their inner 'truths'. But that is also like a cult. It's very mentally unhealthy, isn't it? Not only for them, but also for everyone around them.

Grays - "Sometimes it's about modifying self concept though." Yes! I was shocked by the CBT course. I'd done loads of behavioural therapy before, and assumed this would also be about how to 'improve'; move forwards: get better, basically. Instead it was all about acceptance. I got angry at one point: I wasn't used to being encouraged to think about what I can't do! It makes perfect sense, though. The more I expect myself to be well, the more stressed & frustrated I get, and that makes my health worse. I have to understand my limitations in order to figure out what I can realistically manage, and what help I may need.

I'm not very good at it yet, tbh - half a century's worth of positive "can-dos" take some unravelling. Perfecting these skills is extra difficult in a society that takes personal limitations as some kind of attack. We have to manage the whole world's expectations of us as well as our own!!

As you have BPD, I know you must be very familiar with this kind of thing. I do amateur versions of DBT and Schema therapy, as I can't get them on the NHS. Both approaches are about working with myself, rather than trying to override or shut myself up with glittering positivity (and its associated self-blame.)

I've developed a new kind of hard stare with implied eye-roll

It's interesting isn't it. It's initially difficult to accept that there's a need to modify but once we do its amazing how we can find ways to adjust. It's a constant struggle accepting limitations though and I'm not surprised you were angry. There's a feeling of grief sometimes, mourning the loss of something you once were.

I do really like the approach because it just in my eyes, helps people face their realities and work to deal with living with said realities instead of having them always waiting for and seeking this goal that may never happen. In that way madness lies

Whilst our state of mind absolutely does affect our health, the whole new age "positive thinking" schtik is a load of victim blaming claptrap.

To only think of positive things is to live in resistance and denial - how that is supposed to be good for you, I'll never know. Everybody has an absolute right to think about, talk about and express the negativity in their lives, it does not make you less 'enlightened' to do so, it makes you human.

Addressing negative patterns of thought and belief can be very powerful in increasing general wellbeing but it is not the same as "positive thinking".

It feels a little bit like a cult religion - everyone must adopt the prescribed mindset at all times

Yes I agree. It is also part of the extreme sections of some religions. If you don't get healed you obviously weren't praying hard enough