To wonder why my mother always plays the victim

[BarrenInBrighton]

Today it transpired that my mother has shared some incredibly personal health information of mine to some of her friends. I was shocked and asked her why she did this and explained how embarrassed and hurt it made me feel. Her reply was a passive aggressive 'I'm sorry I've screwed up AGAIN". She then asked why I was 'so precious' with my private life and suggested it was abnormal behaviour 'to try and live my life in a bubble'; said she needed to share my problems with others as she was stressed out about them too.

Finally, when that failed to appease me, she burst into hysterical tears, sobbed about how stressful her life was (in ways 'I would never know') and how little I cared for her. Informed me that my personal issues caused HER no end of pain and suffering, which nobody seemed to care about, and which she was bottling up for my sake - and then stormed off.

I was left feeling like the bad guy again, when all I'd done was express upset about her making my private life public.

Is this normal behaviour? And what do I do now. I love her - a lot - and she is a lovely person in many ways, but I can't stand this side of her.

From what you say about your mother, she seems rather immature and hasn't learnt some basic skills normally associated with being an adult such as keeping confidences and creating boundaries. So in some ways, she's like a child in an adults body. Children are far more narcissistic than adults, it's part of the developmental process and many many adults never fully get past this stage. It is these adults, who display some narcissistic traits. Some posters have suggested your mother is a full blown narcissist. She may well be but it isn't possible to ascertain from this snapshot.
Regardless of whether or not your mother is a full blown narcissist, she has narcissistic traits. So I would do what several people have suggested and stop sharing anything about your life. If she is a full blown narcissist, you will need absolutely to protect yourself and if she isn't, great, good for you, but she still can't be trusted with sensitive and personal information. Mourn the loss of not having the mother you want to have, move on and be the mother you would have wished for to your children.

My mother is a narcissist and may well have fully blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Her behaviour to me is abhorrent, I am all manner of evils and everything I do or say is specifically designed to belittle and denigrate her. The irony of course is that she is projecting all of their behaviour and feelings onto me and it is actually she, who treats me appallingly. I sit there and quietly take her crap until I can bear it no more, that is when I tend to bite back. I am working on stopping her from starting on me in the first place and maintaining good boundaries. My mother does not have the full capacity to love. She does love me in her own way, in her immature 2 or 3 year old way, because she really is that young. I share nothing with her about my life because anything I did share would be carefully logged and used as a stick to beat me with. I have had a lot of counselling and been taught a lot of soft skills my mother didn't and couldn't teach me because she doesn't know them herself. Before I had counselling, and for years, I tried to change the relationship into and adult/adult one. Ths problem is that she's not an adult and the only affect my intervention had was to make her even nastier to me.

It's like toddler, or teen behaviour.

'In my mothers case it means that no one can ever criticise her or her actions, because the fall out of ever doing this is so extreme. She'll cry, tell you your making her 'ill' and all sorts of dramatics. For her it's great - there's never any consequence to poor behaviours!'

Yes terribly manipulative - and frustrating behaviour to be at the receiving end of.

To never be wrong or take responsibility and turn it back on others feels on the narcissistic spectrum to me.

Just don't give her information regarding that anymore. If she asks, tell her that she let you down previously. That she promised not to say anything and basically lied.

Thanks for the input. I've not heard of narcissism used in this way so thank you for the inforrmation. It rings some bells although she is pretty great in many other ways - but definitely has some of the traits mentioned. certainly she has no respect for boundaries - she read my diaries as a teen and then screamed at me because she didn't like what was written in them (I then had to write all further entries in GCSE Spanish!). And I don't think she's ever properly kept quiet any time I've confided in her.

Also- with some of the difficult issues I've dealt with in the past year - she's been incredibly supportive, but regularly slips into 'you don't know what this is doing to my health' or 'this has affected me more than you'll ever know' (er unlikely, seeing as you keep telling me!)

I think, like some of the advice here, I've already withdrawn from her on some level. I don't share anything about my emotions - generally stick to the facts - and would never cry to her or explain my real feelings