To think I've just made things worse

[brotherhoodofspam]

Sitting here in a bit of a state and need some help to calm down. Have posted before about bullying issues with DS (11). Since the start of term he has been on a table with DD of friend of mine in year below (composite classes). They've never got on well but since start of term there been a lot of bickering and name-calling. I only hear DS's side of the story but she has been making him pretty miserable, it involves her telling him he has no friends, he's stupid, he's fat etc. all quite sensitive issues for him. The school left me a message yesterday to say that two days ago there was an incident in the playground. I questioned DS about it, it sounds like this girl started taunting him that he was rubbish at team leading and was fat then she pushed him he pushed back she pushed again he pushed back then kicked her in the shin. DH and I have told him in no uncertain terms that he has immediately put himself in the wrong whatever happened before and that this is completely unacceptable behaviour. I spoke to the school this morning then I phoned my friend (mother of this girl) because I wanted to clear the air. I said unreservedly I was sorry for what had happened and that whatever had been going on before it was unacceptable for DS to kick this girl (apparently he left a bruise) that the school had acted appropriately in punishing him and that DH and I were considering a suitable punishment at home. Friend was very upset about the incident apparently her DD has been frightened to go to school since and they are even considering moving schools. I do fully accept that DS is absolutely in the wrong and am really angry with him for doing this, but I know this girl is a drama queen and her Mum believes every word that she says ie that she has never said an unkind thing in her life, wouldn't comment on a person's size, this was all totally unprovoked etc. I really wasn't trying to make excuses for DS but I wanted her to have the picture that this was a 2 way thing with the 2 of then having a go at each other then DS doing the wrong thing for which he rightly deserves to be punished, rather than an innocent girl bring preyed upon by an older boy for no reason whatsoever. I didn't go into specifics of what she's been doing this term because that really wasn't the point of the conversation but just said whatever was going on between them before hand there was no excuse for what DS did. I think I may have made things worse though, she was very short with me in the phone and I suspect thinks I'm trying to make excuses for DS which really wasn't the the motive for the phone call. I tried to do the right thing discussing it directly but think I may have made things worse. Any advice?

I think you've done all you can at the moment.

Have you spoken to you DS's teachers? Have they noticed that this is a two way thing as well?

Am not suggesting this girls isn't being a pita (I have an 11yo DD with 10/11yo friends - they can be delightful ) but if you are only getting one side and your friend is only getting one side it might be tricky to resolve.

I'd leave things be for a week or so, then ask your friend for a coffee/drink and see if things seem to have settled. If not perhaps you, or both of you could go and see the teacher about exactly what's happening and how you can try and manage the situation.

It would be a shame for you and your friend to lose a friendship over kids basically being kids.

If a mother refuses to see bad behaviour in their own child, no amount of talking will help her face it.

Just leave it. The school are taking action and you are punishing your ds yourself.

That's enough. I don't advocate violence but hopefully the girl will back off and leave your ds alone now

I personally think you'd be best off just letting it blow over and not bringing it up again.

If the other mother harps on about it just smile and try to ignore it.

I have a similar situation where the older boy of a friend winds DD up then looks all innocent when she retaliates - she hit him once in much the same situation. Like you I had to tell her off but felt pretty aggrieved that the other mother ignored/was oblivious to what had led up to it.

I talk to DD about people winding other people up and that it is something that she'll have to get used to in life (I never have!!). She sort of understands that hitting isn't allowed - although that then leads to complications because I think hitting is allowed under some circumstances.

Never easy is it!

I'd leave things as they are with the other mum now. But I would speak to the teacher about the ongoing bickering and name calling to get the teachers take on it.

You've done all you can but for now prioritise your son and sticking up for him or at least supporting him at home. Make sure he knows he was wrong to do what he did but then I'd move on and try and sympathise with him. If this is a first for him he's obviously very very upset at the name calling and bullying coming from this little girl to lash out in the first place. I feel sorry for your son that he's been pushed this far.

I wouldn't call or talk to the mother about it again. It's nice of you to make contact and I understand why you did it, but the school are dealing with it- it'll only muddy the waters if you try and sort it out and the school will probably take a dim view of it. I hope things settle down soon

I really wouldn't be contacting the other mother, but talking to the school about the entire situation. A proper talk from the taunting to the incident and what they have regarding the other side of the story and any witnesses.

If it's true that this girl has been making his life miserable and she pushed him first, then I wouldn't punish him. A kick escalated the fight and shouldn't have happened, but neither should pushing if she didn't want physical consequences.

Let the school know that you'll do your best to address ds's behaviour but you fully expect them to sort out his as well her behaviour in school.

She's your friend so I think you've done the right thing contacting her and trying to clear the air. It's a very awkward situation for you both.
I would discuss with the school, but would it be worth getting the two of them together to get it all out, with you the parents present so each of you get to hear it from the other child's mouth yourselves. She may then get to hear some home truths when your son says about all the name calling. End it with them apologising to each other and then agreeing from then on to keep some distance from each other?

Thank you for the advice and support. I think you're all right that I should let it go with the other mother now (I can avoid seeing her person for at least a week I think). We have come down hard on DS because if he doesn't learn this lesson now (ie that you can't physically hurt other people especially younger, smaller girls however much provoked) and he does it at high school or in later life the consequences could be much more serious. However I do have a lot of sympathy for him and sadly I suspect this will taint his last term at primary school.

You really need to be talking all this over with the class teacher. They should be able to handle this and make sure that both children learn from this experience. If it is making your son miserable then it is affecting his ability to learn and you do need to make the teacher aware.

It shouldn't have got that far though to the point where your son lashed out, The school should have had this sorted out. Im sure they have anti bullying procedures and yes flamed I may be for saying this, but I can see how it happened.
Getting emotionally bullied like that would take its toll on anyone. Whoever wrote that rhyme
"Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me."
Really, hasnt got a clue.