To want a poo in peace?

[Ledkr]

Three fucking toilets in this house and I still cannot get a bit if peace.
For whatever reason DH suddenly remembers important stuff to do outside the door of any toilet I am using. I asked him seriousky if he has a fetish
No matter where I go he will be lurking about outside.
So tonight he's in the bath so I thought I'd use the downstairs loo, I have horrendous belly ache so was a bit -ahem- farty, low and behold dd decides she must sit at the kitchen table in silence drinking tea commenting "ugh, mum, gross" I'm bloody fed up with it.

AIBU to want a peaceful crap?

And DD never ever drinks tea at the table, she must take all beverages up to her bedroom to add to the collection.

Turn the tap on so it cancels out a bit of the noize?

I long for the day when my bowel habits cease to be an endless source of fascination for my two DC They are only 2 and 4, but I would like to just have a shit in peace without one of them setting up camp outside the toilet door and regaling me with endless chatter about Spider-Man, Mr Tumble and who took the last biscuit. I would be even happier if they stopped announcing at the top of their voices in public toilets that "mummy is having a poo!", "Mummy pumped", "mummy's bum smells!" and so on.

Buy a radio for the toilet .

I put ours on loud when I am on there. Cancels all noise including the muuuuum cries.

Not gonna happen.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. :(

My dc can unlock the loo doors from outside now and just barge in.

I must say, a horrendous crohns flare a few years ago has left the eldest knowing they Must Not Disturb Mummy, lest I come crawling and sobbing to the door.

Is that worth a try?

Oh god, ipswich, the "are you having a poo or a wee?" Question, that is apparently IMPERATIVE!

Particularly in a public loo "are you having a pooh mummy"

To be fair my 5 year old is the best of all of them, she is very disinterested in my bowel habits.

dd cab leave her dirty knickers on the landing but I cant fart in a toilet ffs

Ha ha ha - mine don't like to be in a room on their own so are always in the toilet with me. The downstairs loo is so small we are practically nose to nose. My husbands the same - suddenly wants to talk finance or have an argument while I'm doing a poo - drives me mad!

I don't get to wee in peace either

I'm just going in for a try in the en suite loo! Wish me luck, I'll report back soon

One of life's joys is a crap in peace. I feel for you

I've posted this before but my toilet low was DD1 aged about 3 following me into the loo , rummaging in the bath toy box and bringing out the waterproof xylophone. Then she turns to me and says- mummy are you having a wee or a poo?

I reluctantly concede I'm planning a poo.

Good, she says. I've got a new game, every time I hear a plop I'll play a note.

There is a pause while I assess my life. The she plings the xylophone impatiently and says

Come on mummy- I'm waaaaaiiittting.

Most luxurious item in my house is a recently fitted lock on the downstairs loo that can only be opened from the inside. DS very interested in toilet habits and not only asks if it's a wee or a poo but also wanted to look at it

Cathpot I should not have read your comment so soon after having a c-section. I don't have the abs for giggling right now!

cathpot oh that is brilliant!

Like a Yoko Ono conception album.

Dunk

Ding

Du dong.

Cathpot that's great! Accompanying music would probably make a pleasant change from "mummy are you having a poo?", "Are you having one poo, or two poos, or three poos.......", "have you had a wee yet?", "can I have a look?" and the best yet (in a public toilet obviously) "do you need me to help wipe your bum mummy?" The lady in the next cubicle practically suffocated trying to stop herself laughing.

cath that's hilarious.
I just managed a few minutes in the en suite, WOOP WOOP!

x at this thread!

It's no laughing matter ming I need peace abd quiet to perform 😳

Snigger. I'm a bit like that too actually!

I've got all this to come with my dd.

If mine don't come in with me they wait outside and give me a round of applause when I come out.

I have to sprint to the bathroom to do either a poo or a wee in private.

I usually get a well done mummy when I'm done. I also get detailed instruction on how much toilet paper I may use. "That's too much mummy."

I can no longer shower in peace either and now get instructions on how much shampoo etc I may use. I also get "why is your bum hairy mummy?" In reference to my lady garden. Dd also takes great delight in unlocking toilet doors ( both in public and at home) and exiting leaving me exposed mid performance.

Ds2 bless him has autism and learning disabilities he's like my little shadow and follows me everywhere including 5he bathroom if he feels I, ve been on the loo to long he grabs my hand trying to drag me of it or gets behind me too push me of it ..