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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel anything about my mums death?

27 replies

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 27/04/2016 08:40

I was young when my mum died (16, almost 17) but not so young I wouldn't have any memories.

However i feel nothing. When I think about it it's like remembering losing a toy as a child - I remember I felt sad but i don't feel connected to the events in any way.

It just feels strange that she had such a huge influence and yet I can barely even muster the tiniest feeling of sorrow or regret. I feel sad for her she died too young but honestly it's like reading about someone unknown in a newspaper.

Is anyone similar? It was eighteen years ago.

OP posts:

vintagesewingmachine · 27/04/2016 08:51

I was 17 when my Dad died. Life with him had been so miserable ( EA, alcoholism) it was a relief, really. We could try and be normal again. Like you, I feel sad that he missed out on so much, mainly everything his children have achieved- graduations, careers, weddings, not to mention the beautiful grandchildren he will never see but, no, I don't miss him.

derxa · 27/04/2016 08:54

You must feel something or you wouldn't be posting. On the other hand I feel similar and don't know why. Can you tell us about your mum?

thenappyslayer · 27/04/2016 08:57

What was your relationship like ? X

Twitterqueen · 27/04/2016 09:00

My mum died around 4 years ago. I didn't feel anything then and have only the occasional slight pang now, on her birthday and mother's day. And I was early 50s when she died.

She wasn't a bad mum, but she wasn't a great one either. She never loved me - with 6 kids she didn't have the time or the energy or the inclination, and I never loved her. So I'm sorry she wasn't the mum I wanted her to be - loving, kind, caring, concerned. But I don't miss her.

So I wouldn't feel strange OP. I don't think you're alone in not feeling anything / much. And you never really had time to develop an adult relationship with her. Children are inherently selfish and as a teenager you would have been mainly concerned with yourself.

Original poster

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 27/04/2016 09:04

Honestly, derxa, I don't; I wish I did in a way. The anniversary of her death is today and I feel nothing and haven't for, oh, years!

I don't really know what our relationship was like as I was a teenager and she was stressed then ill.

My dad also died two years ago and I DO feel something about that

OP posts:

derxa · 27/04/2016 09:08

Could you have just blotted out your feelings?

originalmavis · 27/04/2016 09:10

I think it's a coping strategy. Like a shell -otherwise we'd all be blubbering wrecks.

BirthdayBetty · 27/04/2016 09:11

You may have repressed your feelings, not uncommon when grieving, especially given your age at the time.

derxa · 27/04/2016 09:12

When my mum died it was just 3 years after my brother was killed in an accident. Maybe you just went into cope mode

Dolphinsanddinosaurs · 27/04/2016 09:12

There is no right or wrong where feelings are concerned. We all deal with things differently, and that is OK. Don't let anyone make you think you should feel a certain way.

originalmavis · 27/04/2016 09:14

If I don't think about my parents deaths too much it's manageable. I remember them, things we did, things they'd say... But remembering dad in the hospital with that God awful mask on, chuckling at me, so laboured...

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 27/04/2016 09:15

You have put a lid on those feelings when a teenager and every time you open that lid, it is the teenage you who is responding to your mother's death. As time progresses you might start to re examine your feelings, but with your adult emotions. Best wishes.

HazelBite · 27/04/2016 09:40

My DH and his brother were discussing their grief when their dad died, how much they missed him etc how sad etc, but then DH's brother said "I felt nothing when Mum died, nothing" and DH said the same.
I can stand back and look at the relationships both of them had with both parents. MIL was not an easy person, she lived life her own way and expected those around her to fall in with her ways, her universe was very small, and it was easier to agree with her then go ahead and do your own thing, she was not someone you could connect with there was little warmth.
After she died all the siblings began to have a closer relationship with their father, who was a warm, loving man who wanted to be with his family.

I think OP maybe your Mother was not very close to you and perhaps you only recognise the detached woman that she was prior to her death. Also she died when you were in your teens, I have noticed that my adult children are much closer to me now they are adults than when they were in their teens, teens can be a tad self absorbed (its hard growing up).Perhaps you would have felt more had you been a Mother yourself when she died.

Whatever reason there is please don't beat yourself up about it.

dolkapots · 27/04/2016 10:20

From a psychological perspective there is a "normal" trajectory of grief that some people don't follow for a multitude of reasons. Coping mechanisms, denial, cognitive biases, self preservation. Some people feel nothing at one end of the spectrum and others are distraught to the point of suicide.

There is nothing pathological about your absence of feelings, but the fact that you are posting may mean that you are searching for meaning around your feelings. It is fine to acknowledge and accept your feelings (or lack of) or you could go to a grief counsellor if you wanted to explore further (which isn't always as easy and straightforward as people think)

Sorry to all of you who have had losses.

Original poster

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 27/04/2016 11:41

Even if I really think about it - about the last time I heard her voice, about how distraught my dad was, I feel nothing.

It just feels a bit strange. I think it's because I am so different and because it was so very long ago but it's strange how little I feel.

OP posts:

smalllondon · 27/04/2016 11:59

That does seem unusual. Perhaps it was some sort of teenage coping mechanism that has continued? It sounds as though, if you wanted to or not, that you've managed to detach from it.

Was she ill before? Sometimes I think people can be so unbearably ill in the run up to their death that death can sometimes feel like a relief as perverse as that sounds. Relief that the suffering has stopped.

Loosing my mum has been the worst thing I have ever been through and years later it still has a profound affect on me every single day.

I think everyone just copes differently. I hope you are able to make sense of your feelings and come to a place where you feel at peace with however you feel towards it.

ExitPursuedByABear · 27/04/2016 12:05

My mum died 12 years ago, and I was sad, but I got on with life. My Dad died at the beginning of April. I was sad, but I got on with life.

If we didn't get on with life then everything would grind to a halt.

I can tear up a bit when I think of how Dad struggled towards the end.

However, having my mare put to sleep ....................

derxa · 27/04/2016 12:45

Exit I feel the same way a bit. If I had to get my dad's old racehorse put down I would be devastated. Maybe we just can't look at the enormity of the whole thing.
My dad suffered a lot for a whole year and died last year. I feel a bit numb but sad things on the telly or on the news reduce me to sobs.

ExitPursuedByABear · 27/04/2016 12:52

I think for me it was having to make the decision, and then witness the result of my decision.

Although having said that, Dad's death was a bit grim but I was helpless. If the doctor had asked me if I wanted to have him pts I probably would not have been able to say yes.

ssd · 27/04/2016 12:56

I sort of envy you op. My mum died over 3 years ago and I still grieve her all the time, to myself. I wish I didnt. Not because I dont want to miss her, just that I wish I could get over losing her better, move on and all that stuff that everyone expects. It wouldnt make how I feel about her any different but it would make me less sad all the time.

You cant help feeling how you feel, thats my conclusion to it all.

derxa · 27/04/2016 13:21

I had to make the decision to put my dad into hospital. It was my decision and he always said that he wanted to die at home. It just wasn't possible but someone said I'd put him there to die. Sorry for the derail OP. I don't think you're unfeeling You've buried the pain.

feralcat19 · 27/04/2016 16:55

My father died suddenly in 1978 when I was a teenager and I was distraught and very angry at the world as he and I had a much better relationship with each other than I did with my mother. I learnt to compartmentalise my grief as a way of coping on a daily basis. It wasn't until my early 30s that I allowed myself to grieve 'properly' and now I can talk about him quite happily. 5 years ago my mother died and I have felt the impact of her death far more acutely; for many reasons I suspect. As others have commented, grief goes in waves and cycles and although there are stages, they are not necessarily consecutive and you may well go back through stages again. What is right for one person, is not right for another.

Original poster

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 27/04/2016 19:11

Sorry to hear that feral, and derxa, you didn't derail at all.

I'm conscious I may have buried something, but I'm not sure I have. It is odd.

OP posts:

lastqueenofscotland · 27/04/2016 19:18

My dad died when I was 15. The grief For 2/3 years was unbearable but now I don't really feel anything. It just seems like so long ago and he missed so much of my life that while a lovely man who I adored, just so far removed from everything else in my life now.

Original poster

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 27/04/2016 19:26

Same here, lastqueen

I worry about feeling like that about my dads death, too

OP posts:

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