To think DH's lie is a symptom of a bigger issue in our marriage?

[TheArtistFormerlyKnownAs]

My lovely DH and I have been together 15 years. In the last 4 years we've had 2 DCs, cared for and lost close relatives, managed difficult family issues, career challenges, and my own health problems. Through all that our marriage has remained strong. DH is so good to me and our DCs and we still adore each other.

Last year we moved quite far away from our family/friends so DH could accept a great new job. He is now working and traveling a lot more than before, and with my health issues it hard to handle everything at home myself. We are trying to set up some paid support but so far it hasn't really worked out. Also, for various (legitimate, unforeseeable) reasons, my DH really dislikes his job. Unfortunately he is committed to it for a period of time, and right now he probably couldn't find anything better anyway. But if he stays for 2+ years he should have much better options, and in the meantime we are building creating our savings. He's also been really struggling with not having time to exercise or be outside. I've encouraged him to run or work out at lunch but he usually can't get away.

At home I've taken over a lot of tasks that used to be his and it's mostly fine, but I sometimes feel like he doesn't even make an effort anymore. He used to be wonderfully helpful, especially since e my health stuff happened, but now he lets the kids eat all over the furniture, stuffs the rubbish bin to overflowing, and will literally step over a basket of clean laundry that I've left for him to carry upstairs. I try not to complain because I know he is working so hard, but I have mentioned one or two things that feel really important.

I also really try not to pressure him about his hours. If I know in advance that he will be home late it's not so bad, but he has a habit of texting me "leaving in 10 min" and then 40 minutes later, when he should be almost home, texting again to say "leaving now." I know it's easy to get delayed but I do get frustrated with that. At times I've wondered if he's lied about hitting traffic on the way home but he's never lied to me about anything before so it didn't seem likely.

Earlier today DH texted me that he was leaving in 5 min and would be home a bit earlier than usual. My kids were actually playing very nicely at the time so I was fiddling with my iPhone, trying to fix why it wasn't syncing correctly. When I got my DH's text it occurred to me that I could use "find my iPhone" to locate him. To my surprise, he was not at the office but instead at the gym. He called me a few minutes to discuss dinner and totally kept up the ruse that he was in the car coming from work. Right after that, I saw that he turned off "find my iPhone" on his phone and his iPad. He came home in the best mood I've seen in months.

After the kids went to bed I confronted him. He can't really say why he did it except that he felt guilty taking the time for himself. He swears he's never done it before. I don't know whether to believe that, although I still don't think he's doing anything more nefarious than get a workout in or maybe grab a pint. Still, I am incredibly upset that he felt he had to lie. I knew we were both feeling the pressure but I didn't think it was coming from each other. We've been through so much these past few years and it's never come to this. Oddly I also kind of feel cheated out of knowing that he had a good afternoon, because it would have made me happy to know that. He is very apologetic but also says I'm overreacting. I don't know what to think.

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.

Yes, you are over-reacting.
You have a good marriage and a loving, supportive husband, even if he does stuff the bin to over-flowing(?) and needs to be spoken to about laundry baskets (could be that he is tired and stressed), who is working hard at a job he doesn't enjoy to support his family, and he has snatched some time out of his overworked day to go to the gym and lied about it.
Why?
Probably because he knows he will be met by a reproachful wife who finds it necessary to know everything he is doing.
Be careful, be very careful.

I would be annoyed about the lying.

It sounds like you are both struggling and could do with some time to invest in your own well-being.

If he'd have sat down and discussed this with you the pair of you could have found a way to do that,

But by sneaking around he has looked after his own interests without having to reciprocate or even ask you how he can support you better. Yeah, I'd be cross

Goblin nailed it.

I'd be asking myself honestly why the poor guy felt he had to lie and how much of a nag I had become.

I have worked with many men who were sole breadwinners & dreaded going home to chaos and more denands when their children were young. Most are divorced now.

Oh how unreasonable of their wives to "make demands" of them to share the work of running a home and caring for children. No wonder they lost their men!

presumably those men were sole breadwinner by mutual agreement.

"He is working hard at a job he doesn't enjoy to support his family." yes he is. OP is working hard too, enabling him to work longer hours (which he has chosen to do) than working parents who share childcare, and support her family (to the detriment of her economic position in the labour market).

He applied for and took a job he hoped would be good for his career, which entailed the whole family relocating. OP is covering everything at home.

But she's conplaining and making him feel guilty.

Going out to a hated job is a lot more difficult and stressful than housekeeping. Cut him some slack.

Wow, I'm surprised by some of these comments. Being at home with children can be lonely, stressful, boring, and doing seemingly endless housework is pretty damn shit when you have a brain that you would like to engage in other ways. Plus the OP may not know people in their new area, so could find it a bit depressing. As I said in my earlier response I would be upset too, but don't think it is the end of the world; just cause for an apology and the two of them to sit down and look at how they can both have more leisure time. I can empathise with the DH but am amazed by the amount of people who seem to think the OP is some kind of nagging harridan! It would be fine for him to go to the gym sometimes, but the OP should absolutely have equal freedom and leisure time.

So, so much good advice on here. Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It helps a lot. In this particular case, I would have been very happy for him to go to the gym. That's part of why I was so hurt. I've told him so many times that I think he is affected by being unable to exercise and I've tried to help him figure out when to get workouts in. I can't believe he didn't think I would be supportive.

Still, some of the posts have made me think about how I might be making him feel guilty even when I don't mean to. In my mind we were commiserating about the shittiness of him having to work so much, but I think it just raised the pressure on him. I still think he needs to tell me if I'm making him feel more stressed rather than lie about it, and allegedly he agrees, so hopefully he won't lie again.

To be clear, the only reason I checked where he was was because I knew he wouldn't really leave in 5 minutes. For my own sanity and for practical reasons it really helps to know when to expect him. For example if I know he won't be home until close to or after the kids' bedtime I prefer to feed them early and then bathe them before bed, especially if there's a chance he will be home in time to help me get them out of the bath (which is very hard on me physically), but if he's going to be home in time to eat with them I will give them a snack and then bathe them myself so we can all eat together. Anyone with little kids has to understand how you are kind of always planning/managing their schedules. For me it's all about knowing what to expect.

A couple of people mentioned depression/mental health and TBH that crossed my mind too. I've struggled with depression in the past, but my DH has always been ridiculously even-keeled. Does it count as depression if it's just a reasonable response to less than ideal circumstances? Do anti-depressants even help in that situation? As far as I'm concerned, a person should use any tool available (so long as it is safe and legal) to help them feel better when they are unhappy.

GraysAnalogy,you asked why it's been hard to set up paid help and honestly that's been a big issue. We can probably afford, say, 10-12 hours of "help" per week, be it cleaning, childcare, or whatever. I've hired a cleaner for 4-5 hrs and in some ways she makes my life harder. I always have to tidy up for her and when she's in the house I feel like we're always trying to stay out of her way. Not to mention she likes to talk, a LOT. I'd like to find a babysitter too but I don't know when would be best to have her come. I found someone we like but she's only free occasionally. TBH I'm also embarrassed at how much time I spend sitting on my ass. My health problems are not obvious and I don't like to talk about them in front of the kids, but to an outsider I just seem lazy. Not to mention I am bad at dealing with people, and I hate having people in my home. When I worked it was different because I wasn't here but sometimes I think it will be harder to have a babysitter here than it's worth. I know if I find the right babysitter it will be great, but that's hard to find. These are all excuses I know. I don't know why I find this piece so hard to implement. I am aware that we are very fortunate to be able to afford the help and that it would probably be very good for us once we got past the initial awkwardness.

Bottom line, I wish I could be the wife who effortlessly handles everything at home with no complaints. I used to be a lot more like that well not exactly but I did a LOT more and it kills me that I can't anymore. My DH does so much for us an he deserves an equal partner, which in many ways I can't be anymore.

Thank you again for all of the thoughtful feedback. I really have taken it all on board and will continue to check this thread.