Am I too strict ?

[DreamCloud99]

A few things have made me wonder if I'm too strict with my DC.

Twins are 4years old and also had my 6 year old niece with me today .

I took them to their swimming lesson . The changing area is open plan with the pool just beyond a door .

Noise travels and it's often hard to hear yourself think due to noise from the lesson and the children in the changing room .

Anyway in the waiting area , my twins and niece were goofing around - nothing major , they weren't being naughty as such but I did keep checking them - no running , keep the noise down , no spinning on the chairs etc.

They tend to get to the point of no return with regards to silliness - refusing to listen and the noise getting louder etc, so I tried to keep it in check before it got to that point .

I was getting strange / off looks from the other mums - their kids were being noisy , running etc and I thought maybe I was being unfair ?

After the lesson, my DC wanted to run on the lawn . This lawn is a small private lawn in the pool grounds which is clearly maintained for decoration - there's no path on or off the lawn and I assumed it's not for playing on . (The area is not created for children - it's next to an elderly home)

I told them they couldn't run on the lawn as it's private land and we kept on walking .

Two minutes later - we see all the DC chasing each other around the lawn .

Also, I never let my twins disturb my niece during her lesson and vice versa - but the other children were walking around the edge of the pool, shouting to each other etc whilst their siblings were in their lesson. The parents weren't bothered , but the teacher looked a bit fed up of it .

I never let my children run in restaurants . I expect them to behave sensibly and keep the noise to a minimum in places other than the park or big outdoor areas.

In the garden , I expect them to be louder but if it gets too much or is persistent , I remind them we have neighbours etc .

Friends think it's just children being children.

AIBU?

I don't think you're looking for a pat on the back, you're asking a question.

I think you're doing just fine and brought up my DDs the same way.

There's a time and a place for running round and shouting. The swimming pool, cafes and restaurants aren't one of them.

I don't think you sound too strict and I appreciate that you want to nip things in the bud before they escalate.

However I'd just say that too much of a constant "do this/don't do that/too loud/come here/blah blah blah" can start to become 'background noise' to children. It's sometimes worth trying to let some minor stuff go so when you do have to tell them no or whatever it actually means something.

Not saying you are doing this OP but thought it might be something to think about!

I get it OP I feel like I am telling my kids off for everything and often wonder if I'm too strict

Thank you for the replies .

I agree with the points about the negativity towards behaviour management and it becoming background noise .

I do praise them for good behaviour but I think maybe the negative talk is out of balance . I'll aim to work on this .

I just felt a bit paranoid because I felt judged that maybe they thought my DC were misbehaving or if I was correcting them too much .

Children thrive with strong boundaries but I agree with Apocalypse a constant stream of reprimands starts to become background noise.
I would pull them up on behaviour but then get them entertained with a game of eye spy or something while waiting in the waiting area, or could you take some books?

Don't run on the private lawn, but I'll race you to that tree over there..that sort of thing so you're in charge but they can still have fun.

You sound like me. I just have to say 'No, I don't think that's what other people want us all to be doing" or "I know those kids are making a noise but we're not going to because that's going to be annoying for other people" and they are fine with it. Often they look to me for permission to run around or whatever and sometimes it's OK, so I will slightly nod, and sometimes it's not, so I will raise an eyebrow or shake the head a bit.

They don't argue in public about things like this. Nor do their friends, who get the same treatment. I reckon they understand I don't make them do it because I am a control freak, but because I genuinely think it's the best way to include them in things. I don't want to stick them in a sub-culture called 'children' where people are allowed to disregard everyone else just because they can and everyone else is supposed to put up with it. It's a kind of partnership thing. I think the kids respect this. And it means I can take them anywhere, and they can be trusted to get on with people from different ages, backgrounds and walks of life without needing special treatment or feeling entitled. They fit in, it's as simple as that.

I wish more people would try this and see it as a kind of self-regulating freedom. It would make for a lot less hassle in life. Kids don't have to run about like maniacs trashing things and making a racket to be lively, normal and happy. I think we impose this on them, actually.

I have seen kids raised like that Boffin, and you are right, they can be included happily anywhere. No going to family friendly restaurants, unless you want to.

Mine are young adults now but I was always very strict when they were younger

They were never allowed to run around, disturb members of the public going about their business, disrupt stuff like classes etc

They were simply removed immediately. Any fuss made at the point of removal simply escalated the punishment and they knew it. I never made a threat I wasn't willing to carry out and they knew it

Call it a stealth boast...I don't give a shit. I am their parent, not their pal.

The most important thing when you know you're a strict parent is to massive make sure you're balancing it out. Spontaneously praise your children for what might even be common occurances and expected behaviour but acknowledge them and thank them. Praise them for effort during difficult tasks particularly. At times when they might be getting frustrated with what they're doing just a quick 'hey, you're doing so well to stay calm and work hard, well done'! And comments like 'thank you so much for coming straight to dinner when I call you, it makes dinner time much more enjoyable for all of us when it's not a big rush'. It acknowledges their every-day achievements and helps to balance the corrections and the 'nos'

boffinmum, you explain things clearly, and your parenting style sounds very much like mine. I use facial gestures too and my children can easily understand .

Like you I can take my children anywhere, they have enjoyed swanky restaurants and ancient temples, although they love to run around and have fun they know that in a lot of the everyday world this is going to disturb people.

When I am out and about with the kids I like to keep the children happy, upbeat, moving at a brisk pace.

I agree with the point about seeing the happier , free families!

I also think because I have CFS , I find it a lot harder to cope with their "simple" requests when other parents probably have no problem with it , so I'm hyper critical of myself .

excited- I agree.

Taking one of my children to the supermarket when he was 5 I remember him helping to push the trolley, help load stuff onto the conveyor, helped to pack, put things in the boot, carried some stuff into the kitchen. He didn't ask for anything and was cheerful.

Too easy to ignore when all goes well. When we were home I commented on how helpful he had been, how he helped make the shopping trip so much easier and faster and what a good grown up attitude he had. His eyes twinkled.

Next time I was going shopping he offered to come, because he "knew he could be helpful now that he was a bit grown up". I jumped at the offer.

That little boy is now 18 and has just cut my front lawn today and made me a cup of tea when I came back from work.

As I said before, I'm very strict.

Paradoxically, I very rarely shout at the children. I rarely punish, we don't do naughty step or sticker charts etc. We have a happy, lively, loving household with two interesting little chatter boxes.

They know the rules, they understand consequences and they know that I'm always prepared to carry out a threat. They also understand that I don't care, in the least how other children are behaving or what other parents let their children do.

My sister and several friends are far less strict with their children but spend far more time shouting or punishing them.

That doesn't sound strict but rather considerate of other people and your surroundings. I am the same as you in all the examples you give.