To hate what the education system is doing to my son?

[MissHooliesCardigan]

DS1 is 15 and coming up to GCSES. He's at a school which was on special measures a couple of years ago despite most of the parents being completely happy with it. It's still on 'Requires Improvement' despite most parents loving it and the number of parents putting it as first choice going up by 200%. I'm not boasting but he is very bright. He's predicted to get 12 A* s in his GCSES. I really love the school and genuinely believe that the teachers care about the kids but I also know they're under huge pressure from OFSTED. DS1 is generally a laid back kid but, since the beginning of March, he's become a shadow of himself. He's lost weight, he's begun to have constant nose bleeds, he looks pale. I walked in on him last night in the computer room to find him slumped over the desk with his head in his hands. He had tears sliding down his cheeks. That was the first time I've seen him cry in about 3 years. He had to go into school for 6 days over the Easter holidays for revision sessions. He has to stay at school everyday until 6pm for revision. I know GCSES are important but they're not the be all and end all. And I really feel that the school are doing this to get their OFSTED rating up. I spent an hour just giving him a cuddle and telling him that I don't care if he ends up being a road sweeper as long as he's happy. I just hate the pressure that's being put on our children.

Oh, bless him....Y10? I can see that level of stress happening in A2 year, quite a few people walking out of lessons crying & exhausted near the end, but christ, at 15, that's early.
There are loads of people I know who didn't get great grades and you'd never think it now because they're doing so well. Even if he 'only' gets 8 or so A*s, that's enough for Oxbridge, the LSE etc, isn't it?

Couldn't you persuade him that part of revising well is letting your brain have regular downtime so it can process things & let things fall into place, etc? E.g. when I did piano exams I'd have a disastrous practice session where nothing went right, tripping up all over the place, but then somehow the next day, miraculously, things had just sorted themselves out overnight and it was all in my muscle memory. His brain will carry on working whether he's pushing it or not. Also energy needs to be rationed out - don't work until you've got no more energy because you don't know when you'll have it again, whereas if you stop while you're still fine, not yawning uncontrollably etc, you'll be able to rely on it much more comfortably.

Could you take him out for the day this weekend? Depends if he'd be able to switch off and forget about home - hard to know in advance, would be awful if he was nervous the whole day and itching to get back. Maybe the cinema, that's good for distraction, tho would be better to get him out in the sun - tennis perhaps?

His inquisitive side will come back when he has more energy and headspace, don't worry about it. It's subconscious prioritisation! Form

Also this is the first time he'll have really revised, so he's still finding his revision feet, he'll develop a better technique as time goes on.

You sound like such a lovely mum. I have final year uni exams next week and my dad will be really angry with me if I don't get a 1st. He would never risk telling me it's ok to be a road sweeper!

He needs to see a GP. Those symptoms are not down to stress.

MT I'm a health professional. I've had a medic friend look him over physically, listen to his heart/chest etc. That is what a GP would do and then order blood tests. The GP is fine with me taking his blood which I'll do today. He is definitely eating less than normal so it's not unexplained weight loss which I know is very concerning. He's borderline phobic about doctors' surgeries and I don't want to put him under more stress if it can be avoided. But I am taking it seriously and getting it investigated in my own way.

velour he is 15 but coming up to GCSEs, so my guess is he is a Year 11 with a summer birthday.

OP your DS shouldn't be working this hard- he can't keep up this pace for the rest of his school and university time as it would seriously hurt him. He needs to put his health first. I also think he should be seeing a doctor.

The fact that he's so stressed about this, as well as having the phobia of doctors surgeries suggests that his mental health isn't as good as it should be. I would start with enforced down time from studies and stress and get him into a taking therapy of some sort.

I would most definitely be seeing the school, if they are putting him under this level of pressure then there is something going wrong somewhere. Book an appointment with his learning manager and explain the situation. He should not be studying for the amount of time he is, at the level he is at the moment. At A* level, he has already pretty much peaked and knows his stuff so providing he is keeping up with his current workload, I don't see what he could even really be studying?

Time management is a big part of studying at higher levels so its good that he has the dedication but he is going to crash at the level he is currently studying. It really can't healthy for him.

I really hope you get in touch with the school, and that a plan can be worked out between you all. I would ask them
A, what he needs to catch up on ( the answer should be nothing).
B, What is the sudy group for? just revision? tell them he will revise from his set GCSE text revision guide for an hour a week per holiday from home .

What does he want to do? find the college courses that appeal to him and show him the grades he will need to get in. Even for the most sought after A levels, 5As and 3 Bs will be enough to secure a place in the gifted and talented/high flyers programme with a 4 A level option and an EPQ. He really doesn't need to make himself sick to achieve his goals.

My heart goes out to him, its a terribly pressured environment :(

FP239 The thing is that they aren't his goals. He'd be perfectly happy just doing well enough to get on the A level course he wants. But he's being told repeatedly that he has the potential to get all A*s so that is what is expected of him.
The school is in quite a deprived area where they don't have a huge number of kids like DS. When they do, it seems that they just really pile the pressure on.

So the weight loss is not unexplained - he's eating less - but why is he eating less?

OP is it possible your bright lad has Googled his symptoms and frightened himself? That might explain his anxiety/distress/determination to crack on with study regardless/unwillingness to visit GP in case his fears are confirmed. Talk to him?

Bless him, I think he definitely needs a trip to the GP. I hope things improve soon.

For what it's worth I teach in an RI school and am disgusted at the pressure that the kids are put under. They're constantly stressing over levels and grades :(

I will repeat that I think you should request a meeting with the head of hear, explain how he is, and get them to verbally tell him personally that HE doesn't have to attend any revision sessions. This is because you say he is in awe of authority, so you need someone senior in school telling him that what he is doing is more than enough, and A or a* or even Bs are great.

Schools like to be a able to post in the local rag that this or that pupil got all A* grades. Put your foot down and tell school that under no circumstances should your son be made potential poster boy for this as it is too much pressure for him.

The school is RI. That means that it has to demonstrate year on year via the data, that the results ar imposing, getting better grades and more of them every year.

That is the pressure put upon the school.

Your son is a victim of that pressure second hand, so to speak. So are his classmates. Some deal with it better than others. Some teachers cope with it better than others. For every child that felt obliged to go to revision lessons during the Easter holidays, for every teenager struggling and weeping over their books, there are teachers doing the same. Those that need to keep their jobs anyway.

Blame the government, blame Ofsted, most certainly blame Nicky Morgsn, Nick Gibb and Michael Gove.

OP I feel for your son. It shouldn't be like this. I went to a conference yesterday where someone from the council for children with disabilities, who said that we should be treating children as individuals. We're not. We're trying to churn out data driven automatons and forgetting in all of his that they are people.

Curly That's exactly how I feel - like they're trying to turn him into a Poster Boy for the school. He's very musical and plays piano in assembly regularly. He's not shy but he's very private and self effacing and hates being the focus of attention. I am going to speak to his pastoral lead and say that they're putting far too much pressure on him. He really loves cooking so we're going to spend tomorrow planning and cooking a Masterchef menu. It's much easier to get him to talk when we're engaged in an activity. I just love him so much. Of course I want him to do well but, more than anything, I just want him to be happy.

Wow, the more you write, the more it sounds like my son.

He's also 15, year 10, piano player and very private. He came home in tears today because the teachers all piled on the pressure. In year 10 !
He's not lazy and is quite anxious in exams.

He's at a super selective school, and all we are doing at home is toning down the pressure, constantly telling him that the teachers put on the pressure for the lazy sods who need kicking.

Parents' evening was yesterday, and it was 100% positive, no changes needed, just continue as he is. And today he is a total wreck. Idiots.

Look after him, OP, don't let them pressure him, I'd be very open about this.

My plan is to watch him closely and step in immediately (next time I see him so upset) and go in to talk to the relevant teachers.

There is no need to make hard working kids feel miserable. There is a life out there, they are young and need to live it. Not just sit at their desks and learn. They are only 15 once! When I think of the stuff I did when I was 15, it's a million miles from today's teenage life.

(I'm strongly inclined to make him think about a different school for Sixth Form. I can only guess what the pressure will be like then).

... don't let them put pressure on him...

Foxy I couldn't agree more. DD went to an Ofsted 'outstanding' chain academy in Y7. I had my reservations about it as a friend of mine taught there for a while and described it as an Ofsted factory farm but I think DD was wowed by the facilities- especially the sport stuff as that's her thing.
She was utterly miserable and said that all they did was tests. They were ridiculously pedantic about uniform- one of her friends broke her wrist and got a detention for having a green cast (the school insisted she should have asked for a black one).
After half a term, I moved her to DS1's school and she loves it. The whole system sucks.

I am more shocked every day by what the UK school system is doing to the mental health of some of the children entrusted to it :( I hope you are able to rescued the pressure on your son OP.

Part of the problem is that teachers who want to give the lazier students a boot up the arse don't realise that the message is actually taken on board by the best students too, who often put themselves under ridiculous pressure.

My daughter is in a school system where the school leaving diploma taken at 15+ is a "low stakes" test, unlike GCSEs - yet she still got unnecessarily stressed last year due to teachers being careless about what they said to the students, and how they said it. It can be very difficult for parents to counteract this message.

The sickening thing about all this pressure in primary and secondary school testing is that it's not about wanting the best outcome for the kids. It's not about wanting them to do their best or helping them achieve their dreams. It's not about children's wellbeing or mental health.

It's about statistics and performance tables. It's about schools living in utter terror of Ofsted. It's about the banner on the school prospectus that says 'x% of children achieved As at GCSE' but without explaination of the pressure inflicted on the x% concerned to get there.

OP, I'm so sorry your son is feeling this way. I was in a similar situation at his age - predicted straight A grades and made to feel as if anything less wouldn't be good enough. I remember speaking to my head of year about the pressure and she assured me that another girl in the school had got straight As five years ago, so it wasn't unreasonable and I could too. Never mind that I had caring responsibilities at home that they knew about, diagnosed depression, etc.

I ended up burning out far too young, spending most of year 11 out of school and almost not sitting any exams at all. I think the best thing you can do is keep ensuring your son knows that you're there for him, that you don't see school as the most important thing in his life, and that you value him for more than just his academic ability - that he has positive qualities that don't derive from his achievements but from just being himself.

Counseling might help but if you and he want to go down that route, make sure it's with someone who understands the complex realities of intelligent young people. I remember asking a counselor about the purpose of life, because I was depressed and having an existential wobble. I was told the purpose of my life was 'to go to school' because she was convinced I wasn't burnt out but 'school phobic' and needed to be made to go back. It obviously just made things worse. Your son isn't in that situation and hopefully never will be, but he needs your help to take the pressure off and see the wider picture, especially since he seems to implicitly trust authority. While the school might be paying lip service to valuing 'the whole child' it's definitely the results that matter to it as an institution.

I know this doesn't work for everyone because of practical or other considerations, but is home education an option?

Yes, there is a lot of talk about the "whole child" but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, fun and relaxing stuff is always axed in favour of more revision.

Just like baking yesterday. DS shopped for it, looked forward to it and then it was cancelled. It is 'only' citizenship, nothing important for grades. Out of 4 planned bakes they have done 1.
Another reason that added up to a crap day.

We've baked together this morning, it was good.
I'm still angry at the teachers who reduced my DS to tears yesterday.

Being predicted A*s across all subjects seems like a pretty awful burden - no room to move or 'fail' and even if a student achieves those results, the fact that they were expected might lessen the perceived achievement.

OP, I would talk to the school and your son and either ensure those targets are not mentioned again, or ask your son if he wants to choose targets he is happy with. Plus, reduce the number of evenings doing extra work at school and keep on reassuring your son that these exams and results are not the most important thing in the world. It sounds like without the pressure, your son would do just fine.

Mellifera You're not in South London are you? It sounds like our boys would get on! DS2 is nearly 8 and is hyper sensitive and perfectionist. I can see him being destroyed at secondary school. Of course I'd take him out if it came to that although God knows how we'd afford it. I just feel so fucking angry but it's like there's nowhere for that anger to go. I find it hard to feel angry with the school because, until now, I really couldn't fault them (whatever Ofsted think) and he's had some truly amazing teachers. I have so much respect for teachers, I don't know why anyone would want to do it in the current climate. And it's just going to get worse when they turn them all into academies. Is there anything we can actually do? Are there any protests organised about the Academy plans?

I would love all the head teachers in one local authority to get their heads together on the quiet and come up with a plan to all agree to simply refuse to partake of the whole Ofsted inpection/league table farce. I think it would start a nationwide rebellion, I really do. Would be amazing. Think how much support they would have.

It will never happen, because someone has to be the first to put their head above the parapet and suggest it and it they would see it as too much of a risk. They are scared for their jobs, and scared that government would withdraw funding if they kicked up a massive shit storm. And they are scared that the less knowledgeable parents would assume that their school was in line for failing their Ofsted, or getting shit GCSE results and that is the only reason they're doing it.

Ideally what it would take is for a head of an already outstanding rated school, which consistently gets good GCSE results, maybe who is a year or 2 off retirement so may not be so bothered about putting their own position at risk, to have the guts to be the first to take a stand. All they woul have to say is "we are an amazing school, we know we are, we will NOT bow down anymore to stupid government data-driven pressures. If you stop funding us because of this you will have a rebellion from our parents on your hands as it would put all our children's education at risk, and the careers of my staff. But I believe that we are in the right....." Etc etc Other schools in the same LEA could then follow, saying "look at us - we struggle to get as good GCSE results as the top school in our authority. But we are a deprived area, many of our kids have some form of emotional or behavioural disorder or family breakdown, or an SEN, all of which affects the ability of our pupils to get top results. But you, government cretins, don't care about these kids' individial home lives and how it impacts on their education. You are only interested in whether they are getting good GCSE results, in a curriculum system which may well not even be appropriate for them....Shut down Ofsted and save the millions of pounds wasted on it, and instead put it towards supporting our most deprived pupils and their families by reversing all the child mental health service cuts, opening more specialist schools/units for to support pupils with ASD, re-opening children's centres.....etc"

I could go on and on in my rebellion fantasy rant!

Power to the people!

Will never happen but it's nice to dream.

Are you saying there should be no accountability, cha?

This is exactly what needs to happen Curly

If the HT at my DCs school did this i would fully support a rebellion

The system has changed so that every student reaching their target level is imperative. In theory that should be good because the B grade student is no longer overlooked in favour of the C-D borderline, but the grim reality is that there is excessive pressure on the conscientious, and pressure on the teachers to drag up the disengaged. A* is a horrible target to have to meet as it's such a small zone of marks and high accuracy. It is one of the major pressures triggering the teaching workload crisis.

If he's worked hard, he should be pretty much exam ready by now. I hope you can get him to be able to take a step back from the focus on exams. Downtime is essential to allow the brain to process the information, as is sleep.