To be upset over this?

[Claykids]

There are a few things that have been upsetting me but I don't want to list it all and be outed. It isn't only this.

I'm married with 2dc. Ds1 is 7 and is from a previous relationship so my dh is his stepdad. Although ds1 hasn't known his real dad and I've been with dh since he was a little baby, so dh is all he's ever known as his dad and we've been together a very long time.

In laws have always been nice enough and welcoming of ds.

Now we have ds2 (dhs). I assumed they'd be treated the same and dh and I discussed it at length before having him, and I was assured he thought of ds1 as his own, so did his family and so on.

Mil asked us to get her a framed photo for her birthday. I thought she wanted a photo of the kids so I did a collage frame, it's not huge, with a few photos of dh and the kids. All well.

Only soon afterwards I went to her house, she's taken a photo of ds2, had it printed off in big, framed it and shoved it in front of the frame I bought.

I'm quite hurt for ds1. I feel as though by doing that she's just completely reinforced that ds2 is her real grandchild.

I completely understand how she must feel about ds2, but it would have been so easy to put a photo of ds1 up, or one of the two of them. Even if she didn't want to she could have just so as not to leave ds1 out.

Ds1 loves them to bits, he noticed the photo straight away but he didn't say anything.

As awful as it is mrsjamiefraser is right. You cannot control what she has in her home, it's up to her. Yes your ds2 is her biological grandchild, some are really precious about this. How does she treat your children, does she overtly favouritism one over the other?

That is utterly horrible. Poor DS1. Agree with those that have said this needs stamping on now.

I'm not sure why I am getting the "OMG" type replies.

As I said as lovely as you wish they were treated equally, you cannot force them.

My dads brother was adopted, both sets of grandparents always treated my uncle differently as he was not blood... it resulted in minimum contact. I also grew up in foster care, I also could not force a family to accept me.

Of course the OP can decide what she chooses to do, but she cannot for them.

If they can't treat both your dcs the same I would be keeping my distance tbh. My mum was adopted but of course my grandparents see me as their real granddaughter. They would be horrible people if not.

Carolyn Hax answered a similar question best in a column:

"Dear Carolyn,

My husband and I have been together for three years. I came in to the relationship with a 2-year-old son. My husband's family has been extremely accepting of my son, and I've felt really lucky to have them. Now we have a six-month-old baby and things have changed. My glass bowl of a father-in-law seems to really like the baby and ignores the older one. The now-5-year-old took a nasty spill recently and cut up his knees. My father-in-law made baby-crying noises under his breath at my son. My father-in-law referred to last month's as my husband's "first Father's Day." My husband mentioned that it wasn't his first, since he's been raising my 5-year-old for the last three years. His dad replied with, "Well, I meant your first Father's Day with your actual DNA."

We are at a loss of what to do. My son will struggle enough dealing with a biological father that was never there for him so he doesn't need a miserable step-grandfather. I'd like to cut him out of the children's lives, but I'm aware it will change my husband's and his relationship. Any ideas on how to proceed?

— Awful In-Laws"

Carolyn responded:

You wrote that "we" don't know what to do, and "I" would like to sever the tie. We need "we" here.

If you banish Glass Bowl Grandpa, then you are coming between father and son. If instead your husband insists, then Grandpa's behavior is the obstacle. The latter locates the blame outside your marriage, while the former drops it right in the middle. The most important thing is to protect your children, yes, but a healthy marriage is a key element of that protective shell. Grandparents who buy into the family ethos can be powerful protectors, too, so fortunately we are not yet at the point where banishing Grandpa is the only option.

Assuming your husband is open to this solution, he can ask his dad not to show any favoritism, with five key points:

"Dad, I understand you feel a special tie to the baby."
"A 5-year-old, though, won't understand. Instead he'll believe he's not as important a kid."

"I feel sad as I notice your focus on the baby. I also feel bad for the baby, because favoritism creates conflict and competition between siblings, not mutual support."

"You have been so good with the older boy all along, I have to think you're not fully aware you're doing this."

"Would you please approach future visits with fairness in mind?"
If he pushes back against even this measured a request, then you'll need a hard limit.

You actually don't need your father-in-law to love your older child as much as he loves the younger, or to regard the two as equals among grandchildren. You just need him not to demonstrate his preferences in any way visible to the children.
And when the "why" doesn't matter — all you need is the "what" — you have one of the rare situations where an ultimatum is appropriate. Equal treatment or no Grandpa. I hope it won't come to that. "

Dh hasn't adopted ds, we have discussed it, I suppose it would open up a can of worms with ds biological dad. I don't even know whether we'd be allowed as although he hasn't seen ds since he was a few months old he has parental responsibility.

I don't think my in laws have a problem accepting ds1. They've known him since he was very small and have always seemed happy to have him around.

I don't expect them to feel exactly the same but I suppose I expect them not to show it. It would taken nothing to stick a photo of ds1 up alongside or better still one of them together.

The boys are best of friends and I doubt either will thank them in years to come if ds1 ends up left out, even in little ways.

Dh knows how I feel but unfortunately he's about as subtle as a sledgehammer and keeps flipping between saying it's only a photo and he knows his mum loves ds1, to saying he's going to go and have it out with them, as he's not having it. Which is equally unhelpful.

I really want him to just gently mention how it might come across to ds1 and go from there.

This was my family situation growing up, and I knew what was happening. i know my 'Nan' did deliberately forget me but I knew my Dad loved me and I would not let anything upset that. i never complained when everyone got a gift or a juice or ice-cream, because they are my sisters and brother. My Dad noticed a few times when it happened in front of him and he gave me a wink and went and bought me for eg another juice. Sounds crap but honest once I knew I kind of felt more empowered at her pettiness. My mum will never forgive her :( and my Nan has since passed, I do wish it was different but more for my parents than me

As much as you might want, you cannot make someone adopt a grandchild. To remove a relationship with their biological grandchild to punish them would be unfair, and cruel to both.

You may find eventually she will love him too. It's not something you can force and I think takes a lot longer if you haven't had the helping hand of biology.

My aunt has this situation. She provides the appropriate presents, welcomes the child etc, but when not being watched by his mum, only shows photos off and talks about her bological grandchild.

Understandable.

Can you explain a bit more about what she's actually done with regards the photo? Taken yours out, or just propped new one in front of yours?

The advice given in the letter is very good though.

Can you get a matching frame and put ds1 photo in it and give it to her and say I saw you only had a photo of ds2. I'm sorry I didn't get you a pic of ds1 to match, here it is. here I'll put it next to ds2 photo so they match.

I do get where some of the posts are coming from. However your oh has essentially taken your ds1 as his own, he doesn't have his biological father in his life so I do think your oh needs a chat with his parents.

If your ds1 had his father in his life, perhaps it would be different because it would be a case of your sons having different fathers, different grandparents etc and that could be explained to children but if your ds1 sees him as dad then his family should accept that and treat the boys the same.