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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to attend child's party.. Opinions?

52 replies

Littlemissred21 · 20/04/2016 13:33

Hi all,
OK so last year several families were invited to a local mini farm day out for my friends child's birthday. We went along & paid for ourselves as we wanted to make the effort for my friends child's sake, plus we all enjoyed the day out.
This year invites have gone out again but this time for a soft play type thing for child's birthday.
We are all expected to pay for ourselves & our own kids too.. Plus then the cost of presents etc.
It's not particularly expensive but more the principle of the situation. Friend is not hard up, far better off than we are actually.
I don't want to make a big deal of it but begrudge being expected to pay out for what is essentially not somewhere we would choose to go.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Notso · 20/04/2016 14:44

Is it an actual party though or just meet up?
How do you know you are expected to pay?
Did you turn up at the farm expecting them to pay and they had to pay for yourselves?

I just can't imagine a proper party invitation saying come to DD's second birthday party at Soft Play. BTW we are not paying for the party.

Original poster
Littlemissred21 · 20/04/2016 14:45

Thanks for all your comments, nope it's definitely an invite to child's birthday celebrations. It's a big place where adults can join in so would have to pay if they chose to (which I wouldn't have a problem with by the way!)
Just seems a bit off to me.
Thanks again all, good to hear other views.
Also good to know not just me being narky.

OP posts:
TheWanderingUterus · 20/04/2016 14:46

If it's a party that my child has been invited to I don't expect to have to pay for anything other than the present (and coffee etc in soft play).

DS got invited to a 3 year olds soft play party at a local attraction. When the parent gave me the invite they mentioned the yearly pass (about £200 for a family). Turned out they had counted on ALL parents/children having one of these passes so hadn't paid any extra for entrance tickets. To take DS along for this 90 minute party would cost £37 - adult ticket, child ticket. Transport to get there was £6, plus I'd have had to bring my own food/drink or get it there. And find some kind of childcare for DD or pay another £15.

I said no. Parent got very insulted and made it clear they thought I was very unreasonable.

Floggingmolly · 20/04/2016 14:50

Wow, she really hasn't got the hang of parties yet, has she? Shock. The poor kid is in for a land when nobody shows up to the party; because nobody is going to.

MattDillonsPants · 20/04/2016 14:58

Tell her OP! She'll have a hard time in the coming years otherwise.

Itinerary · 20/04/2016 14:59

Has the friend organised a soft play party before? If the children are still young, perhaps she doesn't yet realise that it's usual for the hosts to pay for the children's places, although adults do usually pay their own way.

It may be that she just hasn't realised and would be mortified if someone told her. It would be a shame if she got a reputation for being "a bit off" if it was an innocent mistake. Could someone have a gentle word with her?

"I hope you don't mind me saying, but it's really unusual for parents to have to pay for their children to attend a party. I just wondered if you didn't realise?"

RosaBee · 20/04/2016 15:00

Very strange. My older two are 3 and 5 so we attend many soft play parties. We have never once paid for the kids or an accompanying adult. Bloody hell, it costs enough in gifts in eyfs as every kid seems to invite the whole class so we have at least one party a week some months! Glad the parents haven't all charged us for the pleasure!

novemberchild · 20/04/2016 15:21

We've done the whole 'soft play party' thing. We paid a package for a set amount of guests. My DC's have never been expected to pay anything when they have been invited, either. It is very odd indeed.

dowhatnow · 20/04/2016 15:21

Fine to invite children and parents pay for themselves and their childs siblings but not fine for special invites, inviting you all to pay for yourselves.

Fine to do something together but then it would be an informal gathering. Once proper invites go out, it changes the dynamics.

ElizabethNRN · 20/04/2016 15:33

I believe the host should be responsible for the funding. Otherwise it is not an invite, simply a group outing.

Ameliablue · 20/04/2016 15:41

I'm mainly being nosy but wondering how old the children are and if the invites were given to the children of adults and how they worded the request for payment

Akire · 20/04/2016 15:51

It's odd it's not just the cost to get in but the kids will want a drink something to eat, or whatever stuff can see that's being flogged at a mark up price. I doubt they can just bring a cake or drinks for lots of people without paying.

Also if another child gets burger and chips after playing then of course others will want , you will end up paying loads. One thing for a family day out where you can all enjoy the day ALL day but soft play for hour or two max just for kids no. If the host really can't afford it then just invite one or two special friends and do it that way or at home.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2016 16:03

Can you clarify sonething please op?

Is one of your dcs invited and you don't have to pay for them, but is she just saying if you/siblings want to also play, then you will need to pay for yourselves? If that's the case, that's fine.

RosaBee · 20/04/2016 16:39

Yes agree, I try and only take the named on invite child to a party but if I do need to take the others, I would always pay for them and buy their food separately.

itsstillgood · 20/04/2016 16:55

It is quite normal among our group of friends to throw open a general invite to picnic/softplay around a child's birthday. We are home educators and mix in large, mixed aged groups and it is the only way to reasonably accommodate every one without excluding siblings. People pay for themselves and may bring a card (usually quickly drawn that morning) if that.

Proper parties with limited numbers and invites, of course party giver pays and guests bring presents.

minipie · 20/04/2016 16:57

I read the OP as saying the hosts are not paying for any guests at all, including the invited child.

In which case they ABVU.

If the hosts are paying for the invited child but saying adults and siblings can come too "at your own cost" then that is ok. (Although, if invited child is 3 or under, I'd expect one adult to be covered by the hosts too).

Can you clarify OP?

Lifecanonlygetbetter · 20/04/2016 16:59

How odd.we did a soft play party for my daughter when she was 6. We paid for the play area, meal, squash, cake and party bags.I refused to buy a slush puppy for one greedy little brat child ( who set off 15 kids asking for this crap) and he moaned to his mother as soon as she came to collect him. She made a comment like 'poor you' and bought him one. I really wanted him to puke blue slush and cake in her car on the way home.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 20/04/2016 17:10

I committed this faux pas years ago and still cringe... But I only did it once!!

MadamDeathstare · 20/04/2016 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoGatoradeMeBitch · 20/04/2016 17:39

It sounds like this is your friends expectation of how her DC parties will work. It's very grabby. At least she's honest about it though.

DC2 was invited to soft play type party, the usual invite. When, where etc.... I asked the Mum what her DC likes toy-wise and was given gift ideas. I sent him off with his Dad and a present. When they got there it turned out no party had been booked. The child and his family were pointed out. The lady on the desk said they've not paid for guests and DS and his Dad were not the first to turn up confused and out of pocket! It was all a bit odd really. The family had kind of closed themselves off in a corner and pretty much ignored the invited DC and parents! Even when the cake turned up the 'guests' weren't invited over.

I would give this party a miss OP friend or not. It just not on to expect your guests to fund your DCs birthday party.

Itinerary · 20/04/2016 19:23

Is it "grabby" though if she doesn't realise it's not the usual set-up? That's why I think having a quiet word with her would be a good idea. She may genuinely not realise.

zad716 · 20/04/2016 20:11

The usual amongst our school class group is to also provide tea/coffee to any other parents even if its at a soft play type centre.

Would not be impressed at all if I had to pay entry fees, etc for my DS to attend a party.

ZenNudist · 20/04/2016 20:28

But if it's not an official party then go if you like it there, but no obligation to get card & gift.

Passthecake30 · 20/04/2016 20:36

If my child wanted to go, I'd pay and then take the entrance fee off the usual price of a gift...and get them something very cheap! Very strange.

Floggingmolly · 20/04/2016 21:16

How could anyone not realise, though? Sending an invitation to a soft play place (that everybody can visit themselves whenever they choose) and billing it as a birthday party implies you are actually the host of the "party.
Who on earth doesn't get that?
Although some people are incredibly thick.
We had one parent a couple of years ago hijack the end of term picnic in the park (park is literally next door to the school) as her son's "party", literally sent out invitations to an event that was happening anyway Hmm
His birthday was about six weeks later...

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