AIBU to feel like a horrible mother for not being able to help DD?

[cingolimama]

God, what a horrible morning. My lovely Y6 DD cried solidly this morning from the moment she woke up and begged me to keep her off from school. She's feeling gutted about friendships - girls being mean and petty and excluding her regularly. DD's a sensitive soul and really takes things to heart. Part of me really cherishes that side of her, and part of me desperately wishes she'd toughen up, just a little, for her own sake (and ok, selfishly, mine too).

Just to clarify, this isn't bullying, it's just kids being horrible (and probably hormonal). This morning I thought it would be setting a bad precedent, and also sending the wrong message to her about how to face down both meanies and general difficulities, so I insisted (with lots of hugs and tear wiping) that she go to school. But now I'm not so sure...

If anyone has been through similar, please tell me she'll get through this.

Any further ideas on what to say/what not to say would be hugely helpful.

I think it's useful to try and get out of your dd what the specific problems are.

For me in the past it's easier for the teacher to get the picture if I can give specific examples rather than, she's just not very happy.

Examples we've had have been - last Friday she was pinned to the desk by A; B stole her clothes whilst she was at PE and hid them in the art cupboard; C told her last Wednesday she could play with the group then five minutes after they started shouted at her to go away. D says she can only play with that group if she does x, y or z.

Sometimes it is a case though of just not feeling she fits in anywhere or feeling she can join in with anybody, in which case could the teacher suggest somebody who might gel with her and be a kind type.

Another thing is that I find some of the books quite helpful to go through with dd - bullies, bigmouths and so called friends type of thing. Just finding some strategies to deal with situations can be very helpful. My dd is rather shy. But I was immensely proud of her recently when she put into practice a tip I read in a book. If you want to join in with a game, don't ask to play. Just go up and say something like, that looks cool, you could do this. Outside school the other day two very unwelcoming girls were playing a game. Dd just went up to them and said - "who's it then?" and joined in. I can't do this and I'm 48.

Good luck. I think they all go through phases of this from time to time.

Venus, just feel the need to defend myself here (excuse me, but still feeling a bit bruised from this morning).

I have NEVER said to DD "toughen up". I do accept and cherish her for who she is and her wonderful sensitivity. Nor have I ever told her to "pull her socks up" or anything like that. I have tried to support her in the best way I know how - to let her know that she is loved and valued and thoroughly wonderful and fabulous. That anyone should feel honoured and chuffed to be her friend.

I don't seek to change her, but I do struggle to see how she will negotiate the ins and outs of tweendom, adolescence, and early adulthood, without developing some inner resources, strategies, and her own brand of "toughness".

I don't need to wake up to the fact that my daughter is anxious and miserable. I live with it and it pains me beyond measure. However, I think there is a legitimate discussion to be had about what, precisely, constitutes "bullying". When I was growing up the definition was very narrow and unless there was blood or broken bones, it wasn't considered serious. This was a terrible position that left children (like me) at the mercy of their more vicious peers and I'm glad that attitudes have changed. Still, I have to say I genuinely wonder where the line can be drawn between unpleasant behaviour, mean and thoughtless remarks or casual putdowns and bullying.

My dd has found the book stand up for yourself by patty crisswell really good and very age appropriate. ..much more helpful than me telling her about my y6 experiences. You can get it used off amazon and my dd has lent it to friends it's so good!

Exclusion absolutely is bullying. Any time someone encourages another person go be mean to or exclude your dd, that's bullying.

Dd's school is running the Penn Resilience Programme, which I think us a great initiative - maybe try googling this to see if there's a course close to you? I'm doing a parenting resilience course, and it's v useful.

Tell the teacher what's been happening, for how long, who's doing it, how your dd feels, and ask what the school will put in place to resolve it.

Exclusion is one of the primary forms of bullying employed among girls.

cingolimama that's not how I read the post at all. Venus in saying the waking up comment really didn't mean to be critical Imo. I know you are feeling really down . I really do think children should be taught inclusion and meanness stamped out wherever possible. I believe in a zero tolerance. I know kids can make scathing remarks and not know the gravity of what they are saying. It's us as parents to teach empathy and understanding.

Completely agree with Naoko

I toughened up. I learned to stay away from people, because they can't be trusted. I learned to be happy on my own. I learned that bullies go away if you deck them. These were not good lessons.

OP whilst ACAS guidelines are obviously written for adults, IMO their definition of bullying is useful at any age. Emotional bullying did me far more damage than fights ever did.

Define, thanks I'll look that book up as it sounds excellent.

Janec, I'm sure you're right about Venus - she was absolutely trying to be helpful and kind.

Venus, if you're out there, accept my apologies for spikiness and defensiveness where none was needed.

You've all been so very helpful and made me rethink things, especially around the issue of exclusion. I emailed the teacher and the counsellor earlier today (not sure what her actual title is but she's in charge of well being) and will see the teacher tomorrow and hopefully get things changed.

Not to worry clingo, I didn't take it personally. I hope I didn't come across too harshly. It wasn't my intention to add to your troubles at all.

Have a look at the links I posted to give you more of an idea what bullying is. I'm afraid exclusion is a very typically girl type of bullying- physical forms are more used by boys, but not exclusively either way iykwim.

I hope you and your wonderful dd get a fair and fantastic resolution out of all of this.

My Dd was the same. Took everything to heart and couldn't brush anything off.

Exclusion labelled as bullying is quite complicated and it depends on what happening. I don't believe children should be forced to play with other kids (especially in year 6). Is that she doesn't get on with this group, or are they enjoying just excluding her to mean?

In all honesty supported Dd through it all, terries se donate would be a nightmare for her because she does take everything to heart. An off the cuff comment from someone having a bad day, can have her upset for days.

Wether it is bullying (it does sound like it) or not, you need to tell the school she is unhappy and talk through how to make it better for her.

Year 6 was a nightmare. Small class in a small school, SAT pressure etc just added up to the whole year being stressful. Loads of falling out etc.

2 things changed my Dd. We signed her up for martial arts. Her confidence just grew and grew. By the time she started secondary she was far more confident and more able to handle people being mean.

But starting secondary also changed her for the better. They went to a huge school. The old friendships from primary fell apart, she got new friends and now 7 months later she is like a different kid. The kids she now has as friends as friends because they have chose to be friends. Where at primary, it was so small it was either be friends with these kids or have no friends.

But she has always been aware we will support her and back her up as well.

This is very common in Year 6 OP, mainly with girls sadly. It is bullying. I went through it too, I think some
hormones kick in and kids have been around the same peers too long so cliques are formed. Getting to secondary solved it instantly for me. New people, new setting, we were the young ones again. Also I think we all grew up a little more over that summer. I found my people! Not long until your DD leaves, but yes in the mean time the girls behaviour should be pulled up on. I wish I had told my mum!

Another book we like is 'Bullies, big-mouths and so-called friends', my dd 10 has been reading it every night by herself, and we have read it together too. It's great because it focuses on that less obvious bullying such as excluding, mean names, sarky remarks that can come from people who are your 'so-called friends' as well as more obvious bullying behaviour.

My dd's school has a whole school anti-bullying programme and they take it very seriously indeed, there was a bit of an incident a few weeks ago with two girls being excluded and another 'gang' made, and they were all in a round-table discussion, telling their side of the story and having some new rules about friendships and groups/gangs that work really well.

That doesn't stop all comments, looks, meanness, I sometimes think school isn't that nice a place, there's a lot of jostling for position, but it does make it somewhere my dds have been happy to go and where any incidents are taken seriously.

Year six has been really turbulent for all my three eldest. I wonder if moving to high school in year 5, or reintroducing the old middle school system, would have better outcomes for kids.

Most years in our primary, the year 6 kids go crazy at some point.

Sounds positive OP :) I hope things turn around for your DD soon. It isn't nice feeling left out of everything.

Tinkly - I think whenever children are changing schools will always be a trigger point - especially if they don't all go to the same school. My DC's primary used to say that it was a nightmare just after allocations day as groups split and reformed along their "new school" lines.
On the other hand this age group is always a problem due to hormones - in the US with a middle school system, it is "middle" schools where a lot of the worst problems happen.

OP - please take this serious, my DD is receiving treatment, and a lot of the issues can be traced back to Primary school and friendship issues. Unfortunately my DD didn't make it clear how upset she was at the time.

Quick update: had a meeting with her teacher today. I managed to remain calm while outlining DD's general problem and also gave specific examples of bullying behaviour. His response was really encouraging and he thanked me for bringing this issue to him as he had no idea.

He planned to talk to the girls tomorrow morning and take it from there, following the school's protocol for dealing with bullying.

I feel in some ways better, as there will be some action, but frankly a bit nervous too. I'm not generally someone who shrinks away from confrontation when it's necessary, but the thought of possibly getting the parents (who I'm not close friends with but I've know for years and we help and support each other iykwim) involved .... eeks.

Wish us luck, all.

Good luck! FWIW, I think schools are much better on bullying these days than they were in the past. Fingers crossed it will all be handled sensitively.

That sounds very positive op. I think with girls this age, it very often can be changed by the teacher reminding them about acceptable behaviour. I have managed to stay on good terms with parents of dd's friends simply because I did deal with it via the school and they handled it sensitively. I hope things get better for your dd. At least the teacher is aware now and can hopefully provide her with some support.