To throw out DD's new toy?

[Amnesiac]

DD (5) is in the kitchen throwing a tantrum. In order to get them out of Alton Towers yesterday I said they could choose a toy from the shop.

I felt conflicted about the bribe because I really don't want them to be spoiled and it seemed like they'd had enough treats for one weekend, but I was facing a four hour drive, not knowing what traffic would be like - it was after 4pm and we'd had a very full day - and just wanted to leave.

The toy she chose was a cuddly monkey with Velcro on its hands. She woke up at about 6am next to me (having come in in the middle of the night) and proceeded to stick and unstick the fucking Velcro until I was ready to burn the fucking thing it now doesn't work anymore. So she is very upset. I tried comforting her at first but now I'm just wondering whether they (she's a twin) are over-indulged. This sort of behaviour always seems to follow a glut of being given treats. Or maybe I'm being hard on her and she's just over-wrought I don't know.

Anyway I have thrown the monkey out. She doesn't know yet, she doesn't even know where it is, which just shows how attached she is to it. I'm just wondering if I'm going to do deep and lasting psychological damage or she will learn a valuable lesson regarding not complaining after lots of treats. I'm also thinking of poor Henwee and his rabbit ... my motivations are a bit different, though.

do you have older children or was the 4 hour drive for your fun?

Surely at 5yo she is old enough to understand, if you explain, that the velcro is broken because she stuck and unstuck it so much. She still has a lovely monkey toy, but no velcro.

I have a 4yo who would understand this. So she would be a little sad it no longer stuck together but she would get that it was because she stuck and unstuck it so much and tough luck.

Yes agree Barbarian I used to give them a certain amount to spend IN THEIR HANDS so they then have an idea to the value.

Well done for retrieving the toy Amnesiac you knew it wasn't a good idea .

The odd bribe is ok. If bribes are becoming the only way you can get them to do things then I think you do need to change your ways. Especially as you have said you notice a corelation between stuff and behaviour.

Leaving is difficult and I do sympathise. I've left many places on the verge of tears because you just want them to go now and they don't and it is draining. However
I have learnt always give my expectations before we get out the car, so today is a big treat and because of that we are not going to the gift shop today, or yes you each have £2 to spend in the shop. I expect no arguments when we have to go.
I do think the only way to leave is to gather all your strength and channel a kindly but strict school teacher. Give plenty of warning,
"X ride and Z ride then home time"
"Right Z ride then we are going home"
Hold hands, hoods or whatever and start a conversation about what a lovely day you have had, lots of questions to distract them. Empathise, "I wish we could stay longer too it's been a lovely day, maybe we could come again, if we come next time what would you go on"

As an aside I find AT quite easy because mine think the mono rail is a big treat.

I think the over excitement from treats does it, but who knows. I also have twins and mine are similar... One cannot cope at all with special days out and treats, she always flips out. Twins are such hard work, don't be too hard on yourself!

I think she is probably tired after a huge day out yesterday and waking ridiculously early so are you.

Oh OP don't be sad. I wasn't trying to sound smug at all. You do sound tired

I think the poster who said about a countdown etc and a cheaper, easier reward for behaving well and doing as they are told. It's a bit like a bribe but sold rather differently

What Notso said.
So you're five, at a wonderful exciting place with lots of fun going on, then all of a sudden meanie mum wants to take you away from it all for no reason at all... but no one said we wouldn't be here forever, no one said the fun would soon be over, so I'm upset about it & will tantrum about it.

Next day, I'll show mummy how much I love my new toy by showing her repeatedly, in case she didn't see it the first 100 times how it works.

Thanks everyone. Some really valuable advice here, which I will take note of.

I sort of knew I was getting it all wrong yesterday and this morning's episode confirmed it.

Particularly notso for

Actually just about to have a story with DD. Everything has calmed down now but I'm going to be a bit tougher because the bribes are becoming more and more frequent.

I don't think you need to be tougher with your children re: bribes, but clearer in your own mind what your alternatives are and then sticking to them. And having faith and determination not to fall back on to the "easy" (or not so easy - with hindsight) option of buying them stuff so they will do what you want.

Yeah I agree persicacia. The list idea you gave me earlier was very useful, thanks. I do try to use TV as a bribe and up to this point it's working.

But yesterday they would have had to wait a long time for the reward ...

I think upthread someone said gather them together, remind them of all the lovely things they've done that day and empathise with them re: not being able to stay longer, which was really helpful. Also the stuff about giving them actual cash (a small amount) then when they're older pocket money weekly, so that their taste for plastic tat diminishes.

Waves to BOOP and lynda from another thread. I'm fine, BOOP not sad for too long.

A good tip if you do give them pocket money is to go to the giftshop first. Firstly it's quieter and secondly you have the carrot ready for going home, " let's get back to the car quickly so you can annoy the hell out of me with the whistle you bought look at your lovely new train whistle."

Something else to remember with children is that that's what they are CHILDREN, they're learning and haven't the emotional maturity to empathise with anyone's need for a lie in or whatever.

So don't take them seriously, help them along, gee them up, be lighthearted, but caring, of course, with them . There's a book called "Don't Sweat the Small stuff" horrible American title I know , but it does speak good sense.

I think the difference between a bribe and a reward is subtle but essential

Bribe: if you don't actually kick off, or if you stop kicking off, I'll buy you a toy

Reward: because you've shown me how beautifully you've behaved, I will buy you a toy