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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friend BU and if so how would you respond

20 replies

PinkyOfPie · 18/04/2016 19:07

NCd for this as identifiable.

My best friend of 15 years is notoriously unreliable. She'll often cancel meet-ups last minute (TBF I have the odd time too). She has a 1yo DS and is a SAHM and has been saying lately how she's struggling a bit with the boredom of it. We've both said we need to see more of each other so we agreed to have a get together once a week on one of my days off.

I'd booked 3yo DD to start swimming lessons at a local private pool with a company who does lessons all over our region. The day after I booked lessons, my BF text me to suggest we do swimming classes with the kids, with the same company, but a venue closer to where her family lives (which is not the same place as she lives). This venue is 15 miles and a 40 minute journey from where we both live. She suggested this could be or weekly 'thing'. I agreed, and rearranged with the company (who were fine about it).

BF pointed out that, due to age differences, the under-2 class was on 30 mins before the over-2 class started, so we'd be in different groups. She said she'd be fine waiting in the cafe until I finished my class then would could have lunch and go to the park or nearby beach with the kids (weather permitting!). First lessons are tomorrow.

She text today asking what she thinks we should do afterwards as she 'usually walks her dog around the time we'll be swimming' Hmm I replied saying just meet me in the cafe as planned. She moaned a bit about the wait but said ok. I was a bit annoyed as she knew there was a wait, she had pointed it out herself!

She's just text me to say that actually she's gonna leave straight after her swim because she will really need to walk the dog.

I'm annoyed because I re-booked from the more convenient venue to fit in with her day and planned for this to be what I do every Tuesday. Now I have to unnecessarily travel 40 mins, to not even see her during or after swimming. AIBU to think this is selfish and thoughtless?

DH thinks I should ask the swimming company to go back to my original venue and that I need to tell her how cross I am (it will be no different any other week). He says I'm a doormat with her as everything we do is on her terms, at a time that's convenient for her (he's right) and that she no friend.

Sorry for the essay, I need to know if IABU in being upset and what should I say back to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 18/04/2016 19:10

OP title should say respond!

OP posts:
TheBakeryQueen · 18/04/2016 19:12

Just rearrange the lessons, I don't even think I'd bother wasting my breath explaining to her. She is a complete dim wit as well as being unreliable is she is unable to figure it out.

Coconutty · 18/04/2016 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RudeElf · 18/04/2016 19:12

Oh definitely change back to original venue if Possible. She is weird. why suggest it and then fuck off? What is the point? Confused

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 18/04/2016 19:12

Change back. Ditch flaky bird.

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 18/04/2016 19:13

She is a complete dim wit as well as being unreliable is she is unable to figure it out.

This is spot on. It probably hasn't even occurred to her how it affects me!

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 18/04/2016 19:14

Yanbu! Change the booking back to the place near you, and tell your friend why!

SeaCabbage · 18/04/2016 19:17

I'd text her saying, are you seriously telling me that after saying we would have this get together once a week, that you no longer want to get together?

What is the matter with her?

DontKillMyVibe · 18/04/2016 19:18

Change back to your original class and tell your friend why you are doing so. She doesn't sound much of a friend tbh

Gingerpig50 · 18/04/2016 19:23

Definitely change back to the original - she is being completley unreasonable and unthinking

Drowsybutawake · 18/04/2016 19:24

My parents did 50/50 with us and we got loads of comments (back in the 90s) but it worked great for us and we have one of the most positive experiences of divorce of anyone I know. Ignore the haters OP. If your friend can't empathise with you on this and feels she has the right to tell you so she is not your friend.

Drowsybutawake · 18/04/2016 19:25

Oops posted on wrong thread!

Gide · 18/04/2016 19:27

She's unreliable, I wouldn't arrange anything else with her unless it's super convenient for you. Go back to your original swimming lessons.

RaeSkywalker · 18/04/2016 19:33

Based on the above, I'd say change back and don't go out of your way for her again. That said, you don't think that her saying she's "struggling with boredom" is a sign of anything more concerning do you? Does she seem anxious or depressed?

RaeSkywalker · 18/04/2016 19:35

I'm just saying the above because I have a friend who really suffered with depression. She continually arranged to meet us only to cancel at the last minute because she couldn't face it. Just seems very strange that your friend has suddenly changed the agenda after all the planning involved!

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/04/2016 19:37

How to respond? My gut response would be to tell her to fuck off with her dicking you about. Not helpful, I know.

So maybe 'So I've rearranged DD's class at your request, added a 40 minute journey to my day, just so that you can change your mind on me again? I think I'm owed an apology from you.'

I hope you can change your class.

And if she has the cheek to contact you again (and it had better start with a huge apology up-front), I wouldn't make any arrangements with her that involved any effort on your part. She wants to see you, she travels. But I honestly would be too angry with her to see her any time soon.

plimsolls · 18/04/2016 19:38

Change back and be boundaried with her in future. I have some acquaintances who are just so impulsive and thoughtless when making decisions so they don't think through the ramifications of a plan and then later when they realise it's not convenient/possible/ideal for them, they cancel or change plans. I now just realise they are like this and don't treat their suggestions/plans as "real" anymore.

I really sympathise with you OP and don't think it would be U to rearrange if you can. Don't have any advice about whether to confront her about it- it depends whether she'd understand or care and whether you can be arsed with the potential hassle.

Hope your DD enjoys her swimming lessons.

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 18/04/2016 19:42

Rae I have thought that and asked her about it, she says she is fine but is used to having a more active week than she does now and is itching to get out the house.

I have rang the swimming lady and she is fine about switching back.

OP posts:
EvansAndThePrince · 18/04/2016 19:47

I know people like this and it really winds me up so I'd be quite cutting. If it's a trend s your DH seems to think then just rearrange and either don't bother to tell her (if she asks just say "well I wasn't going to see you really anyway" or just tell her straight "right, grand, I'll rearrange again so I can go where I wanted to in the first place..."

RaeSkywalker · 18/04/2016 19:53

I'd not go out of my way for her again then Pinky

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