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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex slept in my bed

39 replies

FluffyBunny123 · 16/04/2016 21:09

I've been away for two nights meeting up with uni friends & so ex stayed here to look after the kids as he has no space to have them at his.
I set up the sofa bed for him in the spare room but when I got home he said 'your new beds very comfortable' and I actually think the red mist descended, I'm not normally a cross , uptight type person but I feel so much rage!!! We normally get on well, aibu do you think? I feel like I need some validation for my anger!
I got rid of the 'marital' bed & bought a new one, maybe it's stupid but it's mine it's girly, it's got cushions, I love it. I hated sharing a bed with him he has poor hygiene
Also I've had to take in lodgers since he left to afford the mortgage so there's nowhere in the house that is just mine, my private space, except my bloody bed in my tiny lovely cosy room!!! Arrrr

OP posts:

NZmonkey · 16/04/2016 23:06

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP. I wouldn't be letting him stay again, I think I would be asking my DM to help next time. Or as a last resort locking my bedroom door.

EveryoneElsie · 16/04/2016 23:13

You're not mental and he's being a shit.
He's proved he's not trustworthy or kind, so he cant expect you to have to put him up ever again.

Result!

amarmai · 16/04/2016 23:43

does he enjoy stepping over boundaries ? poor hygene is a nose thumbing at society's expectations and standards. why does he refuse to have the cc at his? That also allows him access to your space.

Original poster

FluffyBunny123 · 17/04/2016 07:20

He lives in a flat share that's just not child friendly. It's also got mould where he drys washing but doesn't open the windows
He still joint owns the family home & has a key, lets himself in
Think I might get some legal advice on whether I have rights about that. I could sell and get my own place to solve that but I don't want too much disruption for the kids at the minute.

OP posts:

leelu66 · 17/04/2016 07:35

Has the divorce gone through? Is he paying half of the mortgage?

Doesn't sound right that he can let himself in.

I second Arf's suggestion of a lock on your bedroom door.

Ideally, you would change locks for house too, if you're allowed by law.

ohforfoxsake · 17/04/2016 09:32

Do you have a court order in place?

Although XH still pays the mortgage and will get a proportion of the house when it's sold, I have the right to live here until the youngest is an adult and he has no right to be here.

Like you his place isn't suitable to have all the DCs so if I want any time with new DP, XH has to stay here as he won't have the kids at his. (He chose a place which was all 'bachelor pad' and too small for his DCs to all stay in). Drives me fucking mad but I have to grit my teeth.

You have to set boundaries. If he doesn't respect them he doesn't set foot in the house. It was really hard but I had to toughen up.

I didn't want to disrupt the kids and it has worked, they have been very settled and secure since the split. That's the pay off.

notapizzaeater · 17/04/2016 09:34

If there's a next time I'd be booking him in a travel lodge !

ohforfoxsake · 17/04/2016 09:35

I couldn't bear to put a lock on my door to keep XH out. It would make me see red every time I saw it. It's an obvious solution but it would make my piss boil with resentment.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 17/04/2016 12:58

I understand why you're upset. When I split from partners I want to sterilise everything they've touched to get their essence out of my life, and it would make my flesh crawl to have an ex sleep in my bed. Even worse if it was a bed that they'd never "soiled". But I wonder of men feel the same repulsion as us over this sort of thing. I suspect not, and to them a bed is just a bed.

Original poster

FluffyBunny123 · 17/04/2016 18:34

Yes that's how I feel bollocks
Oh well at least I'm not the only one fox that sounds bad, I don't want that .
No I pay the mortgage

OP posts:

MillionToOneChances · 17/04/2016 18:39

You pay the mortgage but he joint owns it?

I'd be livid about the invasion of privacy, too.

DailyFailAreABunchOfCunts · 17/04/2016 19:18

Do you have a back door? If so then change the lock on the back door and put a security chain on the front door. When you leave the house use the back door. If he complains then tell him you lost the back door key so had it changed - no spare - and point out that extra security on the front door isn't a bad thing. That he might jointly own the house with you but he doesn't live there any more, so it's not appropriate to let himself in.

Hissy · 17/04/2016 19:43

He's violated your privacy, he resides permanently elsewhere, change the locks regardless.

When my ex stayed here last summer I stripped the bed in my room and told him my room is out of bounds.

Pixienott0005 · 18/04/2016 12:20

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