Guests and keys

[leeds84]

I know I will probably get flamed here and I know I'm probably being unreasonable so I just need a bit of perspective really.

MIL comes to stay once a month for about 3 days. She's a nice lady, albeit with the usual minor MIL annoyances. I find her a bit grabby with DC, wants to help but only on her terms etc, but whatever, it's nothing major.

The issue is that I'm not brilliant having guests. I work at home plus really like my own space. DH has given MIL a set of keys and she now just lets herself in whenever she comes down. I know this is very petty of me, but for some reason it annoys me. I like feeling in control of my own space (realise this makes me sound like a highly strung maniac, but not IRL, honest) and my own mum and dad who I'm really close to don't just let themselves in.

I can see that there's no real harm in her doing this, but it just grates on me and adds to a sense of entitlement that I suspect she might already have.

Perspective please!

YANBU
As PP have said, it's fine for keys to be used in emergencies or if you are going to be out when she arrives but she should always knock if you are in! Definitely put the chain on.

Either that or pretend that she has made you jump out of your skin by appearing in your house and "jokingly" say something about how useful it would be to have her ring the doorbell...

Oh and I TOTALLY get what you mean about overnight making it all more intense. We are in a relatively similar situation where MIL lives further away and comes to stay for days on end. It means you have to cater all meals and be "on call" for want of a better word. If people just pop in and then go home, even if it's several times in a week, it's less claustrophobic as they aren't in your space the entire time - and they don't go into the more private spaces in your house like bedrooms and bathrooms.

Think you're right, some 'subtle' hints might be the way to go. Will probably just come out massively pass-agg knowing me.

No, don't be subtle, that will turn passive aggressive no matter what you do!

Tell your husband this has upset you and it's not ok - don't be rude or bolshy about it (obviously) but talk it out. You're allowed to have a space that is just yours, you presumably wouldn't give out keys without his consent - assert yourself and be absolutely calm and kind about it.

And get a chain!

2 suggestions from me.

1. Walk around naked when you know she's coming.

1. Leave your key in the door, always, so her key won't work. Then just ask her to knock and await a reply next time, as it freaks you out someone letting themselves in.

Mil has keys to our house as she checks on it when we're away. I would have them off her in a heartbeat if she started letting herself in uninvited and without knocking and DH would agree with me. She did go through a phase of dropping round unannounced but stopped after finding us not in or still in bed etc.

I'm afraid I'd have to be blunt and ask that she call ahead and/or knock and she's not to let herself in unless she has your specific permission.

why does she visit so often for that length of time? i'd find that too much.

your husband needs to understand and respect that your needs are just as valid as his. Some people are happy with an 'open doors' policy, but personally i would find that really uncomfortable, it would make me feel vulnerable because my space isn't my own. you need feel in control of your own space and feel safe there, other people just walking in like they own the place or have a right to be there would make me feel like i'm being pushed around in my own space, as though they're trying to lay claim to it - and then i'd have to get defensive about it

i think you're already making a big sacrifice and working with him to accommodate his mothers regular visits. Now he needs to work with you. MIL needs to respect your boundaries and that it's your home. it is not her second home by extension just because of how often she is there. keys for emergency use is acceptable....but not for letting herself in. tell her straight - and it doesn't have to come from your dh. Not like you were consulted about it? and get a chain on the door or an extra bolt-lock for the inside. so even if she tramples on that boundary she still can't get in. if she does take away her keys - no trust no keys to your home.

If it's the overnights that you find restrictive,do they have to happen? My mum used to stay over, and it was more difficult. We worked other ways around it.

Do you have keys for her place? And do you let yourself in to her house? If the answer to either is no, then I would speak to her and tell her you expect her to ring the bell first. However, if you just sit and fume and expect your DH to deal, then YABU. To be fair, she gives you a schedule, so you know when she'll be arriving.

Saying that, it would thoroughly annoy me, my parents have my keys but knock when they come down to stay.

Gosh, so nice to have so many replies and get such good advice! Thank you.

Some of your replies have really got me laughing.
DontmindMe that's EXACTLY how I feel. You articulated much better than I did.

DH does understand but think he feels very caught in the middle, and his family is SUCH a sensitive subject it's very hard to have a straightforward unemotional conversation about it all because he just gets very upset very quickly. Which is obviously very difficult.

She has to stay overnight Muskateer. Well she comes down for a hobby once a month, and so it's sort of become a standing arrangement.

It actually all started because she kicked up a stink because I was working at home on a deadline and my partner asked if she could hangout in a coffee shop until i had finished so that I wasn't disturbed. She got annoyed that she couldn't just let herself in....hence the keys, and it's now just become a 'thing'. Do you think that was unreasonable to ask her to hang out for a little bit?

I think keys in door and chain (which we've been meaning to get anyway), is a good way to go until I need to say something. Im not very good at being assertive, which I obviously need to correct. I just find it so awkward and confrontational to saythese sort of things. How do I get better? God, I sound rather pathetic.

How awful for you. Why do people think this is ok??? My PiLs used to do this or pop round and just loom their faces through the lounge window instead of ringing the doorbell, scaring the shit out of me. I did lots of subtle and not so subtle comments on the matter and now unannounced visits have almost stopped. My MiL used to try and give me a key for her house or say not to ring the bell and I repeated x 100 that I'd rather not as I'd absolutely hate it if she did that to me. And I probably over exaggerated the shock of them peering in a few times until this ceased too. Still can't trust them entirely though! What's wrong with texting or phoning beforehand? I can't stand a surprise visit, what makes them so important that they can just come over any time they like and I have to stop what I'm doing and make tea and chat shit for a couple of hours?

"if I'm feeling really vicious I'll lock the door and leave the keys in so they have to knock."

Nothing wrong with that. When I have guests I give them a spare key, but if I'm in and they're not, I bolt the door from the inside so that I can't be surprised.

I have the same MIL visiting pattern. I find it very demanding to do all the accompanying housework, cooking and hosting that goes with it. She doesn't have a key, though! I sympathise. Maybe just bolt the door so she has to knock, if you're in. You can do that without tackling it directly or being overtly rude...

I think she shouldn't have been asked to hang out in the coffee shop. However as you work from home and she visits frequently and to suit her needs, it should be acceptable for her to knock, you answer, greet her, tell her to make herself af home and continue to work undisturbed.
I would tell her from now on you expect her to knock before entering on arrival. If she goes out and returns when she's already staying with you, I would have thought then it's fine to use the key because she's now a guest I yswim. Would that be ok?

Yeah I think that sounds good Janecc. Thank you.

Is there a way to do it that isn't excrutiatingly embarrasing?Just so worried about it causing tension. Or should I just stop navel gazing?

I don't think it's ok for her to come round when you are working. My FiL has knocked on my door before when I've been wfh as he's seen my car on the drive and thought it was fair game. I've had to stand on the step saying "I'm working so I'll have to go".

Just ask her to knock and say it gives you the fright of your life when she lets herself in. And say you're working until x o'clock so anytime after that is fine

leeds how about of you say or text for next time (on the actual day) something like 'would you mind ringing the bell when you come over later? I'm going to be working with headphones on (or insert suitable scenario) and will get a fright if I don't hear you! Would you mind? Thank you.'

I know that's not long term but it may prompt her to ask for next time. Or just take to working with headphones on / other absorbing activity which would mean anyone coming in would be alarming. Hopefully she'll understand.

Failing that defo put a chain on or leave the keys in!

X post with Tubby but genuinely I'd jump out of my skin if someone just appeared and I hadn't heard them. It not unreasonable to use this as a reason.

Great suggestion torrential.

Good grief I'd shit myself if someone just walked in.

Me and DH often work fromhome and we have a rule that if you come home early you shout or use the doorbell or phone from the car and LET THE OTHER PERSON KNOW you are coming in. We have both mistaken eachother for burglars in the past until that rule was instigated.

YANBU

You don't have to explain yourself you know. You're an adult. It's your home. I would ask her to knock and simply tell her you are more comfortable with her knocking first if she asks for an explanation. She can draw her own conclusions from that. If she asks again I wouldn't elaborate and just repeat. It's about establishing boundaries and if she doesn't know the rules you can't expect her to get it right.

Yikes no I wouldn't like this. My own mum is my fabulous, love her to bits and she has a key, but she wouldn't dream of just letting herself in without checking with me first. It's usually to help out, pick something up etc.