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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Guests at weddings

50 replies

NotReallySureNow · 16/04/2016 15:56

I'm getting married next Spring. My parents are very traditional and my Dad sees it as his responsibility to pay for the wedding. We have discussed the budget and options with him and agreed a venue etc, all fine and he's very happy with it and excited about it all. My DF was part of it too of course. So my Dad is paying for the wedding breakfast (sit down meal etc and quite expensive) plus my parents are giving us a cash sum to pay for other things like clothes, DJ, evening reception etc. My DF and I will pay for some things though and are saving for this.

We can invite about 100 people to the full day in total but my parents have family friends and distant relatives they want to invite. That's so problem for me I understand if they're paying they get a say. However say my Mum and Dad have 20 people to invite should they come out of my side or leave my fiancé and I with 40 guests each?

I don't like saying "my family is paying so I get dibs on guests" but equally should we give my parents a few extra as they're paying?

OP posts:

TeddTess · 16/04/2016 17:53

i don't think you can have it both ways tbh

if your parents are paying, they are effectively hosting your wedding. they get to decide the guest list, of course they will be happy to include your friends as guests and your fiance's family, friends etc as guests but generally they should expect to be in control of it in conjunction with you, your df and his parents.

if they want too many friends that it is too one sided or doesn't allow enough space for both your friends then you may want to have a less traditional arrangement and pay yourself. talk to them - they may be entirely reasonable (like mine were) and we worked out a list together.

DinosaursRoar · 16/04/2016 17:57

Unfortunately, you are coming up against 2 traditions - the old version of it being the parents who hosted, so it wasn't the bride and groom's 'day' - but the parents hosting and deciding the list. This is hitting against the newer tradition of "your big day" that also assumes the bride and groom are paying, and so make all the decisions.

Right, so your family comes to 20 places or is it more? (Include yourself and both your parents and bridesmaids in this!) How many family members does your DP have that they want/need to invite? What's left? Start then drawing up a list of joint friends and then devide what's left. If it's not enough for all the firends you want there, you might have to tell your parents you will pay for X extra places because you want your friends at your wedding and it won't be your "dream day" if it's just extended family gathering, not the people who are important to you.

Get the family invites out early, there's a good chance many will RSVP decline.

Jessbow · 16/04/2016 18:07

Sort the priorites together with BOTH set of parents-
Your own siblings, if any
Grannies/ Granpa's etc.
Then close Aunts/Uncles from both sides
Cousins? Depends what sort of a family you are.

Then 'must have' friends from both sides

I doubt you'll have many left over , 100 isn't a huge number,
Maybe pay yourselves for extra evening guests

OwlinaTree · 16/04/2016 18:12

Me and dh did the guest list first so we knew an approx number we wanted before looking at a venue. Appreciate this isn't possible for everybody, but helped us plan.

NapQueen · 16/04/2016 18:22

I think you and dhto be need to each do a list of Non Negotiables. This fills the first batch of places. Then have a list of people you would like there. Maybe put a little star beside those who you would cut if you had to.

The places left are for your parents (which is why I paid my own, no need to host their friends). If its 20, grand. If theres only 14 seats left, ask them for 14. You can then negotiate slightly using your starred names.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/04/2016 18:44

As previous posters have said make lists, his list, your list and your parents list.

See how many you both have + the parents, some will be the same, soem will be must haves, then skim from that point.

But IMHO you can't start married life demanding that he cuts important people from his list, without compromising on yours.

budgiegirl · 16/04/2016 18:54

That works if you are paying. Doesn't work so well if the parents are paying.

A1Sharon · 16/04/2016 19:00

My folks paid for our wedding. We could have 120 guests, and I had no problem with my parents inviting who they wanted. I mean, most of it was family on my side (big Irish family) DH doesn't have much family. My parents invited a few friends they wanted there, I was able to 'cut back' if you like by having my work friends there as a group, without partners etc. So 10 from work as a group instead of 20.
In the end we had a few cancellations and had 113 on the day.
Is there any way you cut back on. I need this way?

KingscoteStaff · 16/04/2016 19:26

We did thirds.

One third of guests were my family / extended family / family friends - including my godparents

One third were DP's family + family friends - more family on this side, so less family friends

One third were our friends. We had been together for 5 years, so most were mutual friends.

My dad paid for the reception and my FIL paid for the band and the cars (because he likes bands and cars!)

And we paid for flowers, bridesmaids' dresses, invitations and some other bits and bobs that I've forgotten.

herecomethepotatoes · 17/04/2016 05:03

I think they get to decide who to invite, what with them paying the lion's share.

The alternative is to follow the idea that if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for it yourself.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 17/04/2016 05:10

So basically they are buying seats at your wedding. Inthinknits reslly controlling and I wouldn't dream of going that to my kids.

A gift is a gift - it's not supposed to come with strings

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 17/04/2016 05:10

I think *

Original poster

NotReallySureNow · 17/04/2016 06:55

Thanks for all the replies. My parents are NOT buying seats or being controlling in any way. For them a wedding is a celebration of family and a chance to see distant(ish) relatives you wouldn't usually see. Me fiancé and I have said this is 100% fine as in my experience a wedding is paid for by the bride's father and that's the way it is! (I understand not everyone does this but it's the way I know weddings to be.)

I have no qualms at all about my parents inviting who they want, after all, they're paying so why should I? I also think a wedding is a family event and I want them to enjoy it.

My question is, if my parents choose 25 guests, how do my fiancé and I split the remaining 75 between us? 25 for me so each family side has 50 each or 37 each acknowledging my parents contribution. We both have loads of people to invite and could easily fill the spaces of we wanted. Those who aren't invited to the full at will come to the evening.

OP posts:

JackandDiane · 17/04/2016 07:23

I actually think your parents go get yo invite their mates if they pay

JackandDiane · 17/04/2016 07:24

Why do you and your fiancé need to count and split. Just make a list and see how it goes. Who do you go out with ? Who are mates you text regularly. Don't invite thousands of work colleagues is my tip. Who would visit you if you were ill

Goingtobeawesome · 17/04/2016 07:30

Your parents 25 should come from your share I think.

CodyKing · 17/04/2016 07:39

DH family is PIL and sister - mine is 3 sibs plus partners and kids, GP etc is 27 V 3

We have joint friends and individual friends

So I would list - must have family joint friends, and then divide the remainder -

Wolpertinger · 17/04/2016 08:49

Don't count and split and minimize the work colleagues - think about people you will genuinely still be in touch with in 30, 40 years time.

Plus find out who it is your parents want to invite - it could just be 5 friends and family you were inviting anyway.

TheCrumpettyTree · 17/04/2016 08:54

Just make a list of people you really want to be there for the full day then go from there. It doesn't need to be complicated.

iamjustlurking · 17/04/2016 09:03

This is what happened with me my parents insisted on paying for the wedding lovely gesture except I had the wedding they wanted. Albeit I was only 20 so not strong enough to stand up for what I wanted.
So I ended up with full on top hat and tails vintage cars expensive venue for wediing breakfast and we were able to invite 4 friends between us.
I wish we had taken more control and if necessary paid for ourselves

Gide · 17/04/2016 09:06

OP has said she is happy for her parents to invite a certain amount. The question she wants answered is how to split the remaining number. One of the easiest ways to split is to write the essential list then trim as needed. Don't think of it in terms of strict numbers.

middlings · 17/04/2016 09:14

As a starter I think you need to view it as 50/50 on the basis that you might like to invite Cousin Mary as you're close to her but she's family and a discussion about whether she becomes part of your list or your parents is a faff.

However, if your future ILs have a very big or a very small family/friendship group in comparison to yours, that gets a bit more complex.

My parents paid for our wedding.My mother initially said she didn't want loads of her friends and distantish relations at our wedding but as the planning proceeded and she got increasingly excited, the numbers went up. DH's dad died a long time ago and has one surviving brother. DMIL has one sister. For a variety of complicated reasons, none of his cousins were coming and DMIL invited one friend who couldn't. I wasn't prepared for the day to be the 'middling's mum's show' (which it could have very easily turned into) so she and I agreed a list of family and then they had one table of friends, all of whom were very important to me growing up.

Seven years on she still moans about a further eight she wanted to invite and wasn't allowed to.

My point? Each situation is different and you have to have a conversation about it. At the very least that needs to involve you, your parents and your fiancé.

Hope you have a lovely day

Janecc · 17/04/2016 09:31

As with other posters I think you are overanalysing. Get your fiancé and you to make a list of essential people and another of like to invite people. For the family, I would run it by both your parents to ensure you didn't accidentally miss out great aunt X. I think what I would want to emphasise to your parents is that you should be able to have your close friends prioritised. I would also really only want your parents close friends - hopefully you know all of them - otherwise it becomes a circus. If they are talking about inviting 20 friends, it seems like quite a lot for a total of 100 guests unless you both have small families. And what about the grooms parents friends?

Cheby · 17/04/2016 09:53

It depends on whether your parent's 25 people are family from your side who you would invite anyway, or just their friends who you wouldn't be inviting if you had free choice. If it's the former, they should come out of your 'allocation'. If it's the latter then I would split the remaining seats equally.

But I would start by getting everyone to write out their ideal list. Cross reference and remove any duplicates. Then see how many in total you have.

Personally, I would pay for any extras myself. That way everyone is happy. If you're not willing or can't afford to do that then you need to start cutting from the total list in as fair a way as possible.

I would think it a bit weird if your parents invited people you don't or barely know. sp hopefully their choices are just your family who you would choose to invite anyway.

tinyterrors · 17/04/2016 16:18

My parents also paid for our wedding which was very generous. Luckily the guests my parents really wanted to invite were the ones I wanted to invite as well.

We didn't split the maximum number of guests by x amount for dh and x amount for me. We just drew up a list of family we wanted to invite and a list of friends we wanted there all day.

It ended up with me having more guests because I come from a very big family and most live overseas. I know it's not popular on mn but we had extra guests invited to the evening were mostly dh's work mates and cousins who he doesn't really see much even though they don't live too far away.

I'd do as pp have suggested and you each write a list of those who you really want to be there, and a list of those you'd like to be there if you have space. See how many are on your must have lists and see if there's space for the 20 your parents want to invite. if there's space, great, if not you'll have to negotiate.

20 doesn't sound a lot but if the 100 limit is inclusive of you, your fiancé and both sets of parents that only leaves you 74 guests to invite, if you both have siblings it doesn't leave much space for the guests you want at your wedding.

Yes you do have to take into account that your parents are paying but the vast majority of the guests should be those who you and your fiancé want there, not old friends of your parents who you might not even know.

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