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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell MIL to not bother with presents anymore?

43 replies

Buddahbelly · 16/04/2016 11:31

Dp thinks i'm being ungrateful but my history with mil and her shopping habits have at best been random.

I've been with him 16 years now, for our first christmas together I received a CD walkman - a lovely gift you might say, if only for the fact I hadnt been there the week before when it turned up alongside her littlewoods order as a freebie for ordering so much stuff from them. it was boxed when it arrived, when i received it, it had been shoved in a gift bag addressed to somebody else and was open with a cd in it. i faked pleasure and thought nothing more of it.

Following xmas I received a large A3 sized box, inside was a see through babydoll nighty with matching thong. Can you imagine having to open such a present in front of your in laws all gathered around to see what it is. It was either a present shed actually gone and bought specifically for me or something she hadnt wanted so passed it to me.

Moving on to my birthday, it was Sil's birthday a few weeks before, I had bought he vouchers for boots as she requested (this was when they actually gave vouchers rather than gift cards), so for my birthday I received one of the £5 vouchers back - it had been living at the bottom of someone's handbag, crumpled up and covered in pen, along with a bracelet from the local market that was already broke, both of these were shoved inside a card.... and its been like this ever since.

My birthday was last week, she called to say happy birthday and she would call down with my present, she has taken to just buying me a bottle of wine the last couple of years (i don't drink wine and she knows this but i smile politely anyway), this year she arrived with a garden ornament from the poundshop. its a weird little boy metal ornament with the tiniest wheelbarrow, ds is scared of it and wont eat his breakfast in the same room without a blanket being put on it, I darent put it in the garden, its hideous, she laughed whilst giving it to me so i thought it was a joke present, but then she said how much shed loved hers, she could watch it all day and is going back for the little girl to have a matching pair. I cannot stress how hideous it is.

Apart from anything shes now retired and only has her pension to live on, she is wasting her money on these things that I usually pass to the charity shop, I think she knows whatever she buys isnt my kind of thing (and for the record she does this to other family members, she openly admits she hates shopping, but i think feels a duty to hand something over) i think it would be better to say lets leave presents for each other, or if she feels she must put it in a charity box somewhere? Would someone saying this to you offend you in anyway?

OP posts:
diddl · 16/04/2016 13:26

Unless there is something cheap that you/your husband could tell her & she would definitely get, I would think it best to no longer bother.

She's said that she doesn't like shopping for others & obvs seems to buy stuff that she would like.

mustnotgrumble · 16/04/2016 13:30

Excellent photo! Thanks for the laffs!

MattDillonsPants · 16/04/2016 13:30

I always think it's a bit off to get offended or upset by crappy or weird gifts. A gift is a gift and dropping hints about what you need or like is tacky unless asked directly.

JuneBuggy · 16/04/2016 13:37

Hmm So no one is allowed to be a bit "wtf" about "crappy or weird gifts" then MattDillons?

As for dropping hints being "tacky", my family are all quite open and don't have any problems with it, they appreciate the guidance and do often actually ask - I simply gave a polite option for the OP. IMO saying that in a nice and polite way is much better than binning an unwanted gift, but each to their own. I suppose you keep all the crappy and weird gifts you receive? Wink

MattDillonsPants · 16/04/2016 13:38

June I didn't say that. I just said that it's off to complain or take it seriously. It's just a gift.

I think dropping hints is fine if your family like it. But if it's not been asked about, then it's not on.

cruusshed · 16/04/2016 13:41

My aunt once bought me the hideous cat cushion that my MIL had given me and I had given immediately to the local charity shop.....

I hate the whole gift thing - it is all just commercialised shite. I don't want any more things - I can buy what I need myself - I hate the tedium of gift shopping - trying to work with a budget, trawling around shops, making decisions, finding wrapping paper & card - etc etc. Would pref to spend the time and money on an experience with that person.....

Italiangreyhound · 16/04/2016 13:41

Just tell her you won't be exchanging gifts because it is better all round not to waste money on lots of gifts. Then stick to it. If she turns up with a gift smile sweetly accept and say 'well we didn't get anything for you as we agreed but thank you and lets stick to it next year!

In my humble opinion only do his if your dh supports it. If he does not then say it is up to him to buy for his mum and you will smile and pass on to charity shops anything that you do not want. If he knows this, then so be it. It is his mum.

BUT I would have been mortified by the nightie and thong! And I would get rid of the tiny wheelbarrow man if you kid is scared of it. If she asks where it has gone, be honest.

JuneBuggy · 16/04/2016 13:43

But again, surely being a bit forward (even if it ventures into your "not on" category) is better than simply binning the unwanted gift?

Rebecca2014 · 16/04/2016 13:44

I think its funny, she's not spending much money and it makes her happy so what harm is it doing?

MattDillonsPants · 16/04/2016 14:07

June...we didn't bin my Aunt's ridiculous gifts. We displayed them when she came round! We also wore them when we visited her. :) Made her happy.

ample · 16/04/2016 14:48

Buddahbelly, I wouldn't be offended by your idea and I think the charity donation is a lovely gesture if your MIL actually goes ahead and parts with her money that way (something tells me she wouldn't?)

My MIL has given me chunky jewellery (as in hideously chunky) bangles, necklaces and huge dangly earrings for past birthdays and Christmases, none of which I have ever ever worn (nor do I wear anything like them). All have been donated.

She has given used birthday cards with paper glued over the previous birthday wishes inside. I've had sympathy and happy easter cards, again used and passed on to me with the front greeting crossed out and 'happy birthday' scrawled above it. She is a very wealthy widow and likes to keep her money close Hmm.
When DD came along, on her side of the family we jointly decided to only exchange presents for DD and dozens of young cousins. Gifts are not exchanged from 21 years and up which still works out well for everyone. After that, special milestone birthdays usually a naice bottle of wine is given.
It's different on my side of the family because, well, we have good taste Grin.

No, I wouldn't continue as you are. Your MIL might not consider her gift-giving as wasting money on you but it sounds like you are wasting your money (and time) looking for suitable gifts for her.
I enjoy gift-giving and don't give to receive but when the other party starts taking the piss it's really not about the thought that counts at all. Put a stop to it and if she continues as she is then just let her. But I wouldn't be exchanging gifts with her in future. Put your money elsewhere.

mummymeister · 16/04/2016 15:34

we bit the bullet and told fil to stop buying gifts for all of us. with the kids he just asked us to get something, wrap it up and say it was from him. he would usually remember eventually to reimburse us but the whole point of a present is that you have given some thought to it and he never did.

with us it was worse. hugely lavish and expensive presents for his other children and their partners and we got the free cds/dvds out of his newspaper one year, then all the jokes and toys from Christmas crackers he had collected at his various pre Christmas dos and finally a book which he had been given with his name in the front which he had obviously read and passed on. the unfairness of it all was so embarrassing for my dh's siblings that we called time. to be honest it feels like one huge relief at not having to fake gratitude for the free bottle of wine he got given on a flight (along with the free socks and eye patches)

ample · 16/04/2016 15:50

mummymeister that would be funny if it wasn't sad.
Sounds as if your FIL and my MIL would be perfect gift-giving partners-in-crime.

I remember the 1st birthday gift MIL gave my DD. It was a clown puppet, clearly secondhand. You could see it was secondhand - and smell it too. Definitely not preloved! I remember how I wanted to vomit there and then. It was binned but not before I had shown my DM

junebirthdaygirl · 16/04/2016 15:57

Does everyone get presents from their mils. Mine didn't even know when my birthday was. She had enough to do to keep up with her own family. She gave dh a present and my own dm gave me one. They usually brought us our for a meal when they came for a few days. I couldn't be bothered with all that inlaws giving you presents stuff and expecting them to remember your birthday. Maybe it's the big families in Ireland we'd go bonkers.

Cornishclio · 16/04/2016 16:12

I think I would suggest you abandon exchanging gifts and don't buy for her either. We have done this for xmas for adult friends and relatives except our DC and each other. Just buy for children. I hate tat and the waste of money. Alternatively give her the bottle of wine back for her birthday that she gives you.

DementedUnicorn · 16/04/2016 16:13

Sounds like my mother. Buys me something she knows I hate every birthday and a bastarding xmas ornament every Christmas when it's well known I don't decorate the house Angry

Madbengalmum · 16/04/2016 16:22

Whilst gifting shit presents to those you recieve them from is childish, it really works sometimes! My father and step mother used to regift me the worst things ever, one year a pair of pea green velour gloves with a pink flower on them🙄, and then a brown satin,jewelled pouch,bag thing! So i decided to make it a mission to find the most perculiar shite presents i could to send them back, childish i know, but great fun!!

FavaBeans · 16/04/2016 16:39

I wouldn't say anything right now as it will look pointed. Maybe wait till November and bring it up. Just say we think we should keep to cards from now on for adults.

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