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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being mean?

41 replies

SugarSnapPeas77 · 14/04/2016 17:33

I need some perspective on this situation as I am constantly re-visiting it and feeling guilty . I don't know if I should be or not .

DH and I have been married for 8 years .

In that time , there have been some epic fall outs with us and DH family . I understand my part in it - usually I have retaliated in irrational ways when I have been wronged by them or been hurt by their deliberate exclusions .

However, his family are truly awful towards me . I've been told I'm not blood therefore not family , told I'm nothing to do with them etc . They've made some quite hurtful comments , done petty things to prove a point to me , as well as excluded me from things , turned up deliberately late to events I've arranged etc .

I'm always the scapegoat during the fall out . I can honestly say I've tried to get along with them , be nice to them etc but it never works out .

If I'm in the same room as DH family , they rarely speak to me apart from "hello" . It's awkward and it is obvious they don't like me.

I'd had enough a few years ago and I decided to go no contact with his family . I no longer attend his family events . I am civil when I do bump in to them but I have no interest in any relationship with them.

The problem is , we have three children and there are five nieces and nephews on DH side . All the children rarely see each other , although they only live a short drive away . DH sees his family a few times a week , but the children are usually at school or clubs so he doesn't see them .

It's sad for the children but I have encouraged DH to take them to see his family . I never go . His family are not very pro active in trying to build a relationship with our children , but they will ask occasionally to take them out .

I do not invite his family to my children's birthday parties (nor my family) as I like to keep my distance and I don't want an atmosphere ruining the event . I always only ever invite my children's school friends (which reading on here is generally acceptable). My children never ask or mention wanting to see their cousins .

My children have just been invited to a family BBQ for one of DH's nieces birthday.

I will not attend but I have encouraged DH to take our children (he is reluctant as he hates family gatherings!)

So it has me thinking again , am I being mean by distancing myself in this way ?

I try to encourage a relationship for my children from a distance , but I think DH should be doing this as it is his family . I feel it is his responsibility , but if I don't encourage it, it doesn't happen .

I worry when my children grow up they will wonder why they don't know their extended family . Will they resent us ?

My family are not close and are scattered around the world and I do feel sad sometimes that I don't know aunts / uncles etc but I wouldn't say it affects me .

if you've read this far ! AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

SugarSnapPeas77 · 14/04/2016 18:58

Thankyou for the responses so far , I'm very conflicted about the whole situation and it bothers me from time to time .

DH has said he doesn't want to go to the BBQ as he wanted us all to go out for the day . He will decline the invite , but it's likely it will be me that will be seen to be "withholding the children" . I have always told his family they are welcome to see the children any time - they rarely try to arrange contact though .

I think I'm the only one feeling bad / sad / guilty in all of this

OP posts:

Pettywoman · 14/04/2016 18:58

Who invites family to kids' parties? I never have. It isn't unusual to be classmates/friends only. Don't feel bad about that. Don't feel bad about any of it, they obviously don't like you so whatever you do will be wrong in their eyes so do what you want.

FlyingElbows · 14/04/2016 18:59

Your situation is almost identical to mine. My stance is that while my husband's sisters are unpleasant to and about me they are not suitable to be in my children's lives. My husband has never defended me, ever. The result of that is the situation we have now where he rarely sees his family and his children have no relationship with them. He could have prevented this years ago. He could have told his younger sister to stop her shit when we first met. He could have told his older sister to fuck off when she told him I only wanted him for his money and his newborn child probably wasn't his anyway. But he never did and never has. So it's his to deal with. My children will not suffer by not having that type of people in their lives. Sharing dna does not give people the right to treat you like shit.

LindyHemming · 14/04/2016 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

SugarSnapPeas77 · 14/04/2016 19:07

My stance is that while my husband's sisters are unpleasant to and about me they are not suitable to be in my children's lives.

I said this to his family once when I was feeling brave - it was only after they had been particularly nasty and I did say that once their attitude towards me changed , I'd be happy for them to see the children ....

The result was , I was accused of using my children as weapons - and I am certain this is where my worry of being seen to be the bad cop is coming from .

OP posts:

BillyGoatGruff007 · 14/04/2016 19:10

Euphemia - spot on !

This "you're not blood" argument always makes me seethe - which of these idiots isn't "blood" to their in-laws I wonder.
And sugarsnap - of course you're not being mean - I wouldn't want any of my children tainted by this rubbish either; and it's high time your husband stood up to these low lifes.

BillyGoatGruff007 · 14/04/2016 19:12

And does it matter what they think of you ? They're not blood and, therefore, not important.....

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/04/2016 19:25

DH agrees that his family have been awful and his lack of ability to stand up for me at times, has caused enormous rows between us in the past

I'm not at all surprised - been there, done that and thank god it's over now

I'm sorry, but it sounds like he's sailing along leaving anyone else to take the flak as long as it's not him - maybe time to tell him to grow a pair?

Concerning the DCs, I'm inclined to agree with PPs that it's unwise to allow them to be poisoned too, especially as it doesn't sound as if he'd prevent that either

EweAreHere · 14/04/2016 19:42

You are being a heck of a lot nicer and more accommodating than I would be!

If his family can't treat you inclusively and with a reasonable level of respect, they certainly wouldn't be spending much time with my children, even if DH wanted them to.

Why on earth does DH allow them to treat you this way? He should be on your team, standing with you and your family as one. If they can't treat you well, he should tell them they won't be seeing him either. He nees to have your back.

ChihuahuaChick · 14/04/2016 20:19

I wouldn't give a toss about the kids not being close to their cousins, I couldn't even tell you how many I have as my DF and his sibs just aren't at all close due to age gaps and a fucked up childhood. The effect it's had is non existent as far as I can tell. Honestly, were I you I'd stop caring about these people as much as possible (yes, innocent kids as well) and start caring about my rather wet sounding DH taking the kids round to socialise with these arseholes when they're probably spouting all kinds of shit about you!

Original poster

SugarSnapPeas77 · 14/04/2016 20:20

ewe I completely agree with you .

We have had many arguments in the past over it .

It is at the point now though where I just don't get involved with his family at all and this works for me .

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 14/04/2016 20:33

Why is he turning down the invite? is it because he feels bad that you wont be there and thats his way and showing support for you? Or is it because he cant be arsed to look after the kids at a party without you there?

It really shouldnt be up to you to faciliate a relationship - it needs to be something he works at.
Please dont give them too much headspace (I do understand why you would) but you've made tough choices based on whats best for you - time for your DH to do the same I think. I suspect he's not online asking for advice.
It goes without saying that (unless you are incredibly awful to his family) that he should insist they treat you with respect and not inflcit their views anywhere near your children.

tillytown · 14/04/2016 23:40

Different situation but I still resent my DM for it. My dad left when I was very young, and my Mum decided she didn't have to bother with his family anymore so stopped us seeing them. They always tried to included us in everything, but DM refused to have anything to do with them, so wouldn't let us go to anything they had arranged. I still don't understand what she accomplished by making me a stranger to half of my family.

tillytown · 14/04/2016 23:45

BTW, I'm not suggesting you need to be the one taking the kids to see his family, he should.

HeddaGarbled · 14/04/2016 23:51

No you are not being mean. I think you are doing exactly the right thing

fatmomma99 · 15/04/2016 00:00

I'm a bit with Tillytown.... I grew up with a big extended family of cousins I adore (various ages) and I utterly value having grown up with and knowing them. [I've got some horrid family stuff going on with my DSIS, which is making me hermit-like at the moment, and I'm missing my cousins lots, although I do have plenty of friends, they're not the same as family and not the same as the opportunity to grow up together].

I'm not going to comment on your NC (or nearly NC) with HIS family, because you haven't wanted to say too much about why, and that's fine, but it means I can't give you any comment about it, other than it is as it is.

So what I would say is that I think it's a shame that your DC will grow up not really knowing their relatives. It's ties that bind us, and I think these shared experiences are important.

I totally note your DH's passivity in this, when he could be actively making a difference. That's possibly a different thread, or something for your to discuss/work on with him.

Whilst I grew up valuing my cousins, not everyone does. I think it's a shame for your DC, but what will happen is that they'll make other relationships to fill that void. It's not the killer of childhood. Like I said, I think it's a shame, but not more than that. There'll be loads of people on here who's DC (or they) were/are in touch with wider family they didn't get on with, and it didn't matter a fig.
To me, it slightly, slightly matters more if you are in some way a minority. EG if DH's family are refugees then that connection to their roots is a little bit more, because if you're NC then that family history is lost to an extent. Again, that's not necessarily significant.

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