To have told DM not to contact me again until DSis has moved out?

[JenniferYellowHat91]

To cut a long story short, DSis has form for staying at mum's and paying no board and is back again now paying the bear minimum while mum works as much as she can (minimum wage) to be able to pay the rent and bills while DSis is out every weekend, buying clothes, new tattoos and piercings etc.

Whenever mum has told sis to move out or asks about money, sis tells her that she feels suicidal and so mum backs off and instead comes to me or other family for loans which she has to then pay back.

Sis and I are very different. She does not mind using mum so that she can have spare cash for herself and laughed at me when I suggested that she pay mum more a few months ago and her stance is that so long as mum can still buy wine, she doesn't need any additional money from her (at the time she was just paying the additional council tax and has since agreed to pay £25 per week).

DSis and I currently are not talking as she accused DS of stealing something that was missing from her room. Her argument was that when he comes to their house, the first thing he does it go up to her room - but that's to see her because she lets him play on her phone. She continued with the blame and so I left. There was absolutely no reason to blame DS other than to piss me off and well, job done there.

Fast forward a few weeks and DS makes an easter card and lists all of his family inside, mum takes it to her house as that's where everyone goes, but he's missed off DSis. It's obvious what he's done, he's gotten carried away listing my DBro and cousin with their partner and children and just forgotten about sis. Just engrossed and being carried away. DSis, mum tells me within DS's earshot, was distraught at this, oh she was so upset. Explained that it seems obvious that he's just got carried away etc. Next time we visit mum's house, DS took down the card and wrote sis's name and another cousin that he couldn't remember her name (baby).

Yesterday, mum came round and was again going on about how upset sis is about this card with DS obviously listening upstairs (oh the silence). I don't really give a fuck about sis's feelings over this, I've explained why it happened, thought mum would have passed it on and care about my DS's feelings being hurt thinking he's upset his aunty who he loves by forgetting to write her name in a card when he was on a trip to a zoo - and told mum this.

I'm so sick of all of the drama, all of the begging for money, seeing her have no money and seeing sis in new clothes, hearing about her new tattoos, her new piercings, the nights out with friends drinking prosecco.

Went to mum's house, retrieved the card (because it's a lovely card) and gave mum her key back telling her not to contact me again until sis has moved out.

Mum and I always have had a difficult relationship, she has said before that she tells me things just to get a reaction out of me and I've often found things that she's told me not to be true. I think that I've seen it on here being called Gaslighting when you're told lies to deflect from the truth. I'm just so sick of being used to get a reaction and to enable the situation with sis by lending/giving mum money and giving her advice and energy.

Please tell me I'm doing the right thing

You don't have a right to dictate how your mum spends her salary. You do have a right to say you can't lend her any money. You don't have to have a reason, the answer is just no, and move on from the question.

I've a feeling your mum knows she's being taken for a mug by your sister, but the the alternative is too horrific to contemplate, and that alternative is your sister in the morgue following an overdose. It's every parent's worst nightmare that their child gets to that stage, but your mum is enabling your sister and you are enabling your mum to enable your sister. If you can't afford to do this then stop now. Your mum will continue to enable your sister in her ways but you can't do anything about it, sorry. You can do something to stop your part in that cycle.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you and your sister? From how you've described her I'd put your sister at about 20?

Yanbu

Boogers - thank you for being so frank. Sis is 24 and I'm 30. DS is 8 and I moved out at 16, whereas sis stayed at home until she moved out around 20 and have moved back about a year ago.

Your sister is acting like an entitled bitch. And she seems to be your mother's favourite (you left home at 16 because of your mother's treatment and now she says things just to get a reaction out of you, while your sister can do no wrong, and if she does, it doesn't matter because she'll cover it and ask you for help).

Seriously, stop it. Tell them that you aren't playing the game any more. It's not fair on you or your son.

Thanks DistanceCall It's so hard trying to break away from it all when mum and I have been enjoying a good relationship recently. When she gets stressed, she starts saying stupid shitty things and she could have had so much spare cash over the last year had she not have been paying for sis to live with her. It's difficult having spare time and spare money and watching her struggle when she really shouldn't be.

"Recently" meaning the months before the last 3-6 months when things have been slowly deteriorating

I agree with HP to a certain extent. You really can't control what your mother does or how she spends her money.

You can say that if she wants to see you it's at your house. You can tell her you don't wish to discuss money or your sister. You are perfectly entitled to refuse to lend her money.

But you are NOT entitled to tell her who can or can't live in her house and how much she should be charging them or try and emotionally blackmail her into doing what you want.

Set boundaries for your own relationships but don't get involved with theirs.

I agree with what you're saying and mum and I had previously discussed this. I can't agree to lend her £10 after her hinting that she has no money for food and then complain when she spends £7 of it on wine for instance. I had not transferred that rule to the current situation as mum had agreed that sis should pay her more but is frightened of asking her knowing it'll prompt sis to explode at mum or that she tells mum she feels suicidal and so mum drops it. What I said to mum last time she borrowed money from me is that it frankly takes the piss that she has to borrow money from me or other people that then has to be repaid when sis should be giving her, not loaning her, enough so that she can manage without constantly being in the red with everything.

Sis believes that as long as mum can still afford to buy wine that she doesn't need any more money from her. Which is an awful stance to take.

BUT mum and sis will not change. That's what I have to come to terms with.

But why is your Mum spending so much money on wine when she's apparently skint? If your mother is choosing to let DSis live there rent free that's up to her. But her spending money on wine that she needs for other things is a separate issue and it's not one that it's entirely fair to blame on your sister.

Does DM have a bit of a drink problem?

I agree with PPs who say it's not up to you how your mum spends her money. However, you DO have a choice about whether to lend or give her your own money.

However, the thing that jumps out most at me from your post is how this is all around the actions (or otherwise) by your DS, and how this ADULT argument (going deep and going back over history) is all concentrated at the moment by his actions.

I would beg of you that you keep your DS away from all this, and do your uttmost to ensure everyone else does too (which is a million miles away from: "yesterday, mum came round and was again going on about how upset sis is about this card with DS obviously listening upstairs (oh the silence).") and do what you can to reassure your poor child that this is NOT his fault or responsibility. This is a thing between the grown ups, and involving a child is wrong, wrong, wrong!

(sorry for rant).

Hi Op, as you know I am in a similar situation.

What you need to accept is that you can't change how your mum acts. What she spends on etc. You can only change what you do.

For me, it not the money that she spends on dbro. I am very independent and I prefer to be that way.

It's that fact that my relationship with mum often revolves around dbro. I have to listen to her moan about him and then defend him if I agree with her. When he has kicked off I have to pick up the pieces. Sit for hours on the phone while she cries and tell me all the awful stuff he has done. Then listen to her pretending it wasn't that bad and he needs help.

Then she says I have put her in the middle because I won't see them. Despite the fact that came around because they are awful to me and the kids. When they are awful to us, mum makes excuses.

I can't have a relationship with mum because she is all consumed by dbro and by extension, Sil.

This is usually manageable. But because they are living there, it's become all consuming.

The only way thing I can do, is take a huge step back. It was a huge lesson to learn that I can never change her. I thought I could make her see what she is doing.

For you, do what you need to for now if that's no contact for a while. Do it. Don't lend her money. Your mum is an adult and needs to be responsible for her own actions. While you are picking up the pieces, it's just going to continue and that's not good for you, her or your ds.

The trick is to go no contact for a month or two each time they behave badly. Just don't get involved with any of their crap at all. The card thing was a total over reaction on their part. We would hand all had a warm joke about it at our house but nothing upsetting. Their response over heard by your son was unkind. I think you need to let the £25 rent go as that's up to your mum. Don't lend or borrow cash.

By removing yourself for a few months each time they behave badly, you can train them. You need to be consistent though. Decide you can't have that crap in yours and your sons life and only see them when they are nice

I just wouldn't lend any money at all.... if your mum can afford to drink she is not skint. Just say no. End of.
The rest? Just take a backward step.

Unless you have been there it's easy to say turn the other cheek and ignore it.
My SIL is the same but we came to the conclusion that PILs are just as bad as they enable her behaviour. DS have given PILs things in the past and SIL has had such a paddy that there where not given to her that we have just taken the thing away.

It's hard OP and I wish I had a solution for you

The solution is to withdraw and thus avoid getting caught in the drama that is being played out by people with very established scripts. People who expect you to play to a defined role and who may also want to drag the next generation into the drama.

It isn't easy to withdraw, no, sometimes it takes several goes and only eventually happens when something happens that is so toxic or intolerable that the blinkers fall off and you realise you need to go NC for your own protection.

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable, you are asking a mother to choose between her children, you are being manipulative andlooking to validate your decision to go NC.

With regards to the card, it seems you are responsible and whilst you seem to have defended your child, perhaps you should have checked the card before it was given out and any oversight needs an apology for! I feel very son as he is being used as a scapegoat in this dispute.

You need to stop lending money, it's a private matter what you spend your money on and the same goes for your mum and sister. If your mum complains about a lack of money a simple "i am sorry to hear that" but do not engage in a bitching fest or being judgemental about choices which you do agree with. If you feel riled or manipulated, that is your feeling for which you are solely responsible, only you can make yourself feel bad / mad / guilty / angry.

I hope you get things sorted soon as I am sure your son is the biggest loser in this sad situation.

You can't make her choose between you and your sister. However you are enabling the abuse by lending money, so stop. It doesn't matter if she says I can't pay my rent etc as she is only doing what sis does to her. Same tricks. You need to train her as said.

That all sounds awful op and I can understand the frustration that led you to do that. But imo it was the wrong thing to do. Don't punish your dm for your sister's selfish, entitled, childlike petulance. By all means distance yourself, go nc with your sister but I'd be making it clear to dm that your door is open to her - but you won't be lending her any more money.

Yabu to manipulate your mum.how is she supposed to choose between her DDS? I do not believe for one minute your FD forgot she lived at the house, if as you say he always males a beeline for her room. I think you were pissed at him being accused of theft.
Others have said YOU are being dragged into their mess but I actually think your .ym is the one being dragged into you and your dsis's dramatics

Tend to agree cate, I don't think the missing name was entirely innocent and I don't think DM discussing it while DS was in the same house (but not the same room) is a big deal.

Definitely agree it's the dynamic between the sisters and the Mum needs to be left out of it.

I'm also wondering if the sister is reluctant to hand over money which DM is just going to use to fund a drink problem.

wow, catewood21 that is very harsh! OP as other posters have said back off and don't lend anything to your mum. Shut down any complaints from her and actually tell her how it makes you feel.

YANBU