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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about messy boyfriend?

24 replies

natty1982 · 13/04/2016 19:47

Truly just looking for some honest opinions here. This is my first post.
I have completely come to the end of my tether with my partner. I am seven months pregnant and work full-time in a very demanding job - very early starts and demands in the evenings sometimes too.
My partner is mainly a stay at home dad, but is also renovating our house and has a business he runs in the evenings which involves either working here or out of the house at customers' houses.
Basically I'm getting completely sick and tired of coming home to a complete dump of a house every day. It's a building site as it is but he just cannot keep it tidy. He does the washing and cooking but leaves it all for me to pack away and tidy up, there are toys everywhere when I come home, beds unmade, clothes dumped on the floor, messy bathroom. He just doesn't see it.
Tonight it all came to a head and he threw my dinner away so I had no food and I left the house for around an hour as I was too upset to stay.
We also have a toddler.
AIBU? Or hormonal? Or what?
I just don't know where to turn and if it is just pregnancy turning me into an unreasonable monster.
He really is generally good and does loads and loads for me but is it too much to ask to just tidy up a bit?
It's got to such a point now that if I even say the tiniest thing when I come home he flies off the handle.
Really want honest advice. Thanks.

OP posts:

TiredOfSleep · 13/04/2016 20:08

It sounds like you've both got a lot on your plates. Ideally he should be doing a lot more for you, but is it lack of thought/laziness that's stopping him, or he's so busy/tired?

Any chance you can afford a cleaner? £10 a week and we get an hour but also forces us to tidy regularly.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 13/04/2016 20:17

I would be seriously unimpressed by a partner who flies off the handle at me, or who would throw away a pregnant woman's dinner. Why on earth did he do that? What do you mean by fly of the handle?

Is he generally an attentive caring husband and this is a blip related to both being tired and stressed? If so I would consider a cleaner, declutter so it is easier to stay tidy, and consider starting mat leave soon as you are obviously shattered.

Or does he chronically not pull his weight and/ or dismiss your requests and wants? In which case I would reevaluate your relationship, or at the least his stay at home status.

Original poster

natty1982 · 13/04/2016 20:20

We could afford a cleaner but I don't want one because we are living on a building site. Most rooms are half done but most still need plastering, painting and there are a lot of tools and building materials dotted around.
We do both have a lot on our plates. I don't know how to move forward. It feels like a constant cycle of arguing.

OP posts:

Dutchess61 · 13/04/2016 20:21

Im also with Hopeless here. He threw your dinner away!

DoreenLethal · 13/04/2016 20:23

We do both have a lot on our plates

Unfortunately, nothing edible it would seem.

Why did he throw your dinner away? And why is the house a building site, is he actually working on this during the day or is he a lazy fucker whilst you are at work?

Original poster

natty1982 · 13/04/2016 20:23

@Hopelessly by fly off the handle I mean shouting, nothing more than that. It feels like a blip but it's a bit of a long blip because of things like the renovation and him working so much in the evenings making him tired and me being pregnant and working so much making me tired.
I can't start mat leave sooner as I get absolute basic mat pay and can't afford to take lots of time off.
It was the dinner thing that prompted this post as I have no idea why anyone would do that either.

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 13/04/2016 20:24

You are not being unreasonable.

Relationships should be 50/50 in terms of cleaning up etc or as pp suggested a cleaner if you can afford? We have a cleaner but do tidy up between ourselves as well.

How horrid of him to throw your dinner away, why would he do such a thing?

Original poster

natty1982 · 13/04/2016 20:27

Doreen he does do stuff but it's not really going at a fast enough pace I feel. To put it into perspective - we've changed the whole downstairs layout of the house, he's dug up floors and put underfloor heating in, made new windows himself (listed building), made doors, redone all the plumbing - he's not lazyy. But he finds it hard to make decisions about things. Our son goes to playgroup in the mornings and then he is at home with him meaning he can't do renovations in the afternoon.

OP posts:

VoldysGoneMouldy · 13/04/2016 20:30

Why is the house a building site, especially if you have a toddler and soon a newborn? It sounds like there's a lot of work that still needs doing, and that is becoming a huge stresser.

That said, being stressed is no reason to throw away someones dinner for goodness sakes.

DoreenLethal · 13/04/2016 20:36

Can you both sit down, and draw up some sort of plan for how you are going to get this finished? It can't go on forever. And how you are going to tackle arguments in future. It seems that if you can't afford to take time off then you can't afford to throw away dinners, let alone the fact that it is disrespectful to do so.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 13/04/2016 20:37

Throwing away your dinner is mean. I really can't understand that.

I don't think he should be shouting at you. All couples argue sure, but shouting at your heavily pregnant tired wife? No way.

On a practical level, how much longer will the renovation take, what state will the house be in when baby arrives? Do you have some rooms that are finished and can be kept tidy? Is it safe for your toddler with tools lying around- shouldn't they be put away when not in use?

someonestolemynick · 13/04/2016 20:38

If a woman had posted this, there would be messaged along the lines of: looking after a toddler is a full time job and you couldn't possibly expect him to do any cleaning.
He also is renovating your house and running a business in the side.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 13/04/2016 20:39

It sounds like a huge renovation project. Can it be scaled back so the house is in a decent state when baby arrives, and not a building site? What actually needs to be done?

Original poster

natty1982 · 13/04/2016 20:41

Hopelessly it's fine and totally safe for our toddler - the living room just needs painting, bathroom the same and bedrooms need another coat of plaster but all rooms are more than liveable - just some a bit more 70s than others and the back hasn't even been touched yet so mismatching scraps of carpet and an 80s kitchen...
Tools are mainly tidied away by me and put upstairs. This is another bugbear. Things left lying around...

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 13/04/2016 20:41

Work to each other's strengths. He's looking after a toddler and working whilst he's not. He's probably knackered.

So many people on MN come to share their housework woes but why not get a cleaner? You said you can afford it.........

Alternatively give him a list of jobs that he could do everyday

Benches, hoover, laundry, tidy toys maybe but I don't think he should be expected to do it all

someonestolemynick · 13/04/2016 20:42

I meant: if a woman had posted about her partner coming home and complaining about messy house.

Mrstumbletap · 13/04/2016 20:50

I also agree, get a cleaner. For the sake of £10-15 a week it could remove so much stress.

My husband and I often say if throwing a bit of money at a stressful situation makes it go away, then that's why we work isn't it? If you can afford a cleaner get one, it doesn't matter if your house is a building site. Someone can still, Hoover, Polish, clean the bathrooms and get the bulk of it clean.

Your husband is at home IN a building site, with a toddler, cooking and doing the washing and as you say, still doing a lot for yoy, so doesn't sound like a bad guy. You are working, knackered, pregnant and have a toddler, get a cleaner.

Mrstumbletap · 13/04/2016 20:52

I would also hate it if my husband came home and moaned that the toys were not put away after I had washed his clothes and cooked his dinner, I would probably chuck his dinner in the bin too.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 13/04/2016 20:52

I wouldn't let the need for painting and plastering put you off getting a cleaner.

Eeeek686 · 13/04/2016 21:01

Does he do the cooking? Not excusing it at all but maybe wondering if an explanation for him throwing away dinner might've been a (admittedly slight over) reaction to your coming home from work and having another go at him for not tidying up enough for you... A kind of "well you can shove your dinner I made you in the bin then you ungrateful moo"?! You obviously both have loads going on at the mo and you clearly have the added strain of being pregnant but I have to say as a sahm, without also doing renovations, and without being self employed, if OH came home pre-bedtime and complained that the house wasn't tidy enough for him (& he did do once or twice) he'd get short shrift! I find it quite an exhausting whirlwind coping with young children and tend to not tidy properly till after they've gone to bed - and after the tidy/organise time all I want to do is collapse for an hour or so before bed! If he's then going on to work, as it were, it must feel pretty non stop as it is without feeling judged wanting... Maybe he might just benefit from some gentle 'tidy as you go' tips? IME that's the only way to keep a day with a small child even half manageable by teatime but if it's not his MO it wouldn't've even occurred to him, I'll bet...

Eeeek686 · 13/04/2016 21:04

X posted with many!

Original poster

natty1982 · 13/04/2016 21:06

Maybe I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Mrstumbletap · 13/04/2016 21:46

Not unreasonable, just normal. Housework is boring, relentless and crap.

You have a job, he has a job (SAHD) you are decorating and sorting your house=stressful. You are pregnant=exhausting, you both have a toddler=exhausting. Neither of you have it easy, neither of you is saying "gee I have so much energy at 6pm I can't wait to do the hoovering".

Just meet in the middle, if you love him and he is a good bloke, come to a solution together, that is fair and manageable for you both. So 'you do bins, washing and hoovering', I will do 'cooking, bathrooms and polishing' for example and maybe on a Sunday you both have a cleaning hour.

That's what me and my DS do, so I tackle upstairs and he does downstairs for an hour. Or if one cooks the other cleans it up, or one cooks while the other does bed routine etc.

TheNaze73 · 13/04/2016 22:05

I think you're being a bit harsh on him

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