Wedding fall out - feeling guilty

[Worriedthought2016]

A got married quite recently. I invited all my aunts, uncles and cousins on my mum's side. I have great aunts and uncles on my dad's side who I've met once. I don't know their names nor would I recognise their faces. I also have first cousins who I don't know on my dad's side - his sister is dead and he didn't stay in contact with herchildren (this happened before I was born)

So I invited 6 of my parents closest friends so that they'd have a fairer amount on 'my family' side.

Dad got offended I hadn't invited great aunts and uncles. I said that I didn't know them or their names which is why I hadn't invited them, apologised, and gave my parents the choice of who to invite - the great aunts and uncles, or their friends. They chose their friends.

In the end, lots of my family dropped out of coming. My DP had 25 on his side and I ended up with 16, out of an invited 22. 85 people came to the wedding altogether. My parents paid for 30 percent of the wedding

Now my mum is making passive aggressive comments about there being no one invited from my dad's side. I find it hard to talk.openly with her and don't want a huge argument to blow up.

I feel desperately sad for my dad, but equally this situation is partially due to his lack.of effort - I think it's easier for them to blame me rather than accept that they haven't stayed in touch with people.

Have I hugely misjudged this? Should I have invited them anyway as well as their friends? I am feeling very guilty.

"I feel desperately sad for my dad, but equally this situation is partially due to his lack.of effort - I think it's easier for them to blame me rather than accept that they haven't stayed in touch with people."
Yes it is easier for them to blame you, because otherwise they'd have to accept that they've been in the wrong for a very, very long time. Plus, I bloody hate how some men expect the women of the family to maintain the links to their birth family, abdicating all responsibility. I wonder if your dad did that and your mum decided not to be his social secretary and left him to it. Then come the wedding, you're supposed to be telepathic and reforge those links he (and she) tossed aside decades ago.

"Now my mum is making passive aggressive comments about there being no one invited from my dad's side. I find it hard to talk.openly with her and don't want a huge argument to blow up."
Well it's too effing late to do anything, if she had something to say about it, before the wedding was the time. You say she is hard to talk to - is she a regular pain in your arse?

Next time she makes a dig, just respond calmly that it was her and your dad's choice who to invite, they chose their friends. Then look meaningfully at her. And wait. And wait. And wait, until she has to say something. And just repeat repeat repeat that the choice was theirs. Don't accept this shit from her. She's in the wrong.

But you took the £40 - have you been to see that person since? Do you intend to?

Thanks all - very useful points about guilt and shame, and I think they are all very true.

Lulu - the £40 was posted to me via my parents address. I have printed out some of the photos to put in the thank you card, but I am waiting for my dad to text me their address.

I've also offered for me and DH to arrange a lunch in their town to meet up with them all - will be interesting to see how it goes!

You gave them the option, so that means it was their decision not to invite them.

YANBU.

If it's any consolation, my MIL started complaining about us not inviting her cousin 5 years after our wedding (and yes, I asked her to write us a guest list for the inlaws side and he wasn't on it - they weren't even speaking at the time)

Wow raptorina, that's another level!

In my utter, utter naivety, I invited family and friends that me and DH have a relationship with...I have come out of the other side of wedding planning very jaded and confused I must say!

sounds to me like your mother is controlling and she is using this to try and guilt you in to gaining some control over you.

She is more insecure than controlling, but I suppose it results in the same thing.

Thanks everyone, I'll try and stop stewing over it!

Hi Worried YANBU, you just need to ignore this and point out "Dad got offended I hadn't invited great aunts and uncles. I said that I didn't know them or their names which is why I hadn't invited them, apologised, and gave my parents the choice of who to invite - the great aunts and uncles, or their friends. They chose their friends."

You have offered (very generously) "I've also offered for me and DH to arrange a lunch in their town to meet up with them all - will be interesting to see how it goes!" If no one takes you up on this offer consdier the matter closed. Your dad has not stayed in touch with is side of the family and that is his choice. Maybe he wanted to but just was not able to.

Please do not wast any more time on worry. Your dad can still trace and see his family, he does not need the excuse of wedding.